Shattered Glass
by Loveandcoffeeandsimplicities
Summary: Snowbarry College AU. What happens when ideals and expectations start falling through for one Caitlin Snow? I do not own the Flash.
1. Chapter 1

**Trigger warning: EATING DISORDER**

Caitlin stared at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. Too fat. That's what her mother had said to her after dinner. Caitlin had never even considered that possibility before but now? Now, that was _all_ she had thought about. Her mother's words resonating something deep inside of her. Looking at herself in disgust, she marched out of her room and down the stairs to where her father was preparing breakfast.

"Just in time, Caitlin," he murmured as he plated up her breakfast. She shook her head, knowing her mother would have something to say about it.

"I actually said I'd meet Felicity for coffee since she's in town," she muttered and her father looked at her.

"Alright," he replied simply. She smiled gratefully before getting her car keys and heading out the door. She tightened her sweater around her and was that a _tightness_ she felt pulling across her stomach?

Sighing, she made her way to her car and got in. After mulling over her thoughts for another moment, she drove to the center of the city and made it to the place she said she'd meet Felicity for coffee. She knew the two girls wouldn't have time to catch up when Felicity went back to college, and then when Caitlin went off to her own school. She knew that coming home for the Christmas holidays was always going to be a gamble, what with her mom breathing down her neck about every little thing she wasn't doing right. Her 4.0 GPA wasn't enough, nor was the fact that her teacher, Dr. Wells, had personally invited her to be on his team. The school had also entrusted her to be the tour guide of some new guy named Barry Allen who was transferring over for the spring semester. It wasn't like she was wasting away her college experience. She did _a lot_. It just never seemed to be good enough for her mother.

Once she made it into the quaint coffee shop, she spotted Felicity at their usual table.

"Hey. Already got your coffee," Felicity smiled at her.

"Thank God," Caitlin muttered as she took a much needed sip.

"Things that bad with your mom, huh?" Felicity winced

"I don't even want to talk about it," Caitlin groaned as she took another sip.

Felicity looked at her for a moment before smiling.

"At least you only have three more days and then you can return back to your safe sanctuary," she added softly and Caitlin nodded her head.

"I'm going to need you to be my escape plan for the next three days, Felicity," Caitlin muttered and her best friend laughed.

"Aren't I always?" Felicity checked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Too true," she replied. The girls exchanged a few more words before falling into a comfortable silence. That's what Caitlin loved about Felicity. While incredibly outgoing and radiating bubbliness, Felicity never required Caitlin to talk too much. Caitlin had been painfully shy since birth, something that had developed into a low grade anxiety over the years. Felicity had always stuck by her side, even when things got really tough over the years, never pushing her out of her comfort zone.

Sighing, she finished the last of her coffee and got ready to go order a second cup.

"Can you grab a couple of bagels while you're up there, Cait?" Felicity asked and Caitlin thought it over momentarily. The coffee _was_ enough to give her fuel for a while, and, still hearing her mother's words echoing in her head, she decided she really didn't have to have this particular snack.

"I had a big breakfast with my parents," she lied quickly, "but I'll be happy to get you one."

Felicity accepted that and smiled gratefully. Caitlin went to go refill her cup and ordered a bagel for Felicity. Once she made her way back to the table, she handed over the food and sat back down.

"How's Oliver?" Caitlin asked curiously and watched as her best friend's eyes lit up.

"Great! Seeing him this break has definitely been good for my soul. I miss him," she replied earnestly and Caitlin laughed softly.

"I know he misses you, too," she murmured and Felicity bobbed her head in agreement.

"It's tough being away from him, even though it's only a couple of hours,' she muttered. Caitlin would say she understood but she really didn't, having never had a serious boyfriend. There was Ronnie in high school but that had ended before it really began and she didn't have anyone else to compare it to. She remembered how happy her mom had been when she came home and announced the fact that she had a boyfriend. She had nearly given her dad a heart attack but her mom told her they finally had something to talk about. She also remembered how disappointed her mom had been when it ended two weeks later. She pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind and focused back on Felicity who was still chatting happily away about Oliver.

"What about you, Cait? Anyone on campus catch your eye?" Felicity asked curiously and Caitlin snorted.

"If they had you know you'd be the first person I'd tell, Licity," Caitlin laughed.

"And no, no one has. I'm just too busy at the moment, with everything that's going on. I thought Cisco was going to have a meltdown over _my_ meltdown during finals week," she added with a grin that Felicity matched.

"I'm glad you two ended up going to the same college. It's nice someone's there to look out for you when I'm not around," she replied and Caitlin scoffed.

"I do not need anyone to look out for me, Licity. I'm a grown woman," she protested and Felicity just rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. I still think it's great he's there. Someone you trust and are comfortable with talking to," she replied and Caitlin dropped it, knowing her best friend had her best interests at heart. She glanced at her watch and sighed.

"I should get back and see if my mother has found another thing to be angry with me over," she muttered and Felicity smiled at her sympathetically.

"Three more days," she encouraged and Caitlin nodded her head.

She could survive these last three days.

She had to, for her sanity. Ignoring the soft rumbling in her stomach, she hugged Felicity goodbye and grabbed one more coffee to go. She had some things to get done for Dr. Wells and wanted to be able to pull an all-nighter if need be. After parting ways, Caitlin drove back to her house where she hoped her mother would be in a good enough mood to leave her alone. How wrong it seemed she would be.

 **Author's note:** A college AU with Barry and Caitlin! (No powers). This is an idea I've had for quite some time and would love your feedback.


	2. Chapter 2

Once Caitlin made it back home, she eased her door open and walked back into her house. Her father was sitting in the den, reading the newspaper and her mother was nowhere to be seen. She smiled softly.

"Caitlin, I left you a plate of breakfast. It's warming in the oven," her father called to her and she frowned softly. She didn't have time for breakfast, nor did she particularly want it. Shaking her head, she looked at him.

"I grabbed something with Felicity at the coffee shop," she lied and she wondered why it was so easy to lie about whether or not she ate. Lying never came easy to her, but here she was, lying to her father and her best friend about eating. Her dad nodded his head absent mindedly.

"Alright," he chimed and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"I have some things to work on for Dr. Wells," Caitlin added, "I'll be in my room."

Her dad smiled at her. "That's my girl."

Caitlin smiled slightly before making her way up the stairs and to her room. It was always easy to please her dad. Everything she did seemed to make him beam with pride. She wished it was the same with her mother. Once she was in her room, she changed into a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and glanced at herself in the mirror. She couldn't say for certain but it _looked_ like her sweatshirt hugged her body tighter and she sighed, knowing that if her mom saw her, she'd have something to say about it. Avoiding her mirror completely, she sat down at her computer and began to work on the report Dr. Wells had assigned for over the holidays, drinking from her coffee periodically.

A couple of hours later and she looked up when there was knock that echoed around her room.

"Come in," she called out curiously and then resisted the temptation to roll her eyes when her mom stepped in.

"Mom," Caitlin muttered and her mom smiled tightly at her.

"Caitlin," she acknowledged before looking at her curiously.

"What are you working on?" Jane asked and Caitlin sighed.

"A report for Dr. Wells," she muttered.

"Who's Dr. Wells?" Jane asked.

"The professor who invited me to be on his team. I _told_ you this," Caitlin replied and she had. She had called her parents with excitement when Dr. Wells had personally asked her to join his team. Apparently her mother had forgotten or had never really paid attention in the first place.

"Right, I knew that," Jane replied and Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes for a second time.

Caitlin looked at her mother expectantly. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Her mother went and sat down on the edge of her bed before smoothing out her skirt.

"I was just wondering if there was anybody you had met on campus?" Jane asked with a raised eyebrow and Caitlin sighed.

"Not yet, mom. School was really demanding all of my attention last semester," Caitlin stated. This was a conversation they always had: how Caitlin was too busy with her schoolwork to be focused on finding a boyfriend.

"Well dear, maybe if you dropped the books everyone once in a while and went to a party or something you'd meet someone quicker," Jane said smoothly and Caitlin stared at her.

"Are you seriously suggesting that I give up my studies to go meet some guy at a frat party?" Caitlin asked incredulously and it was Jane's turn to sigh.

"Well, maybe not a _frat_ party, no. But there's got to be some group on campus that gets together every now and then. You could take your friend, what's his name…Charles?" Jane asked hopefully.

"His name is Cisco," Caitlin snapped through gritted teeth. They had been good friends since middle school, Caitlin had even invited him to her house on multiple occasions to study. Trust her mom to not pay attention enough to not even get his name right.

"Yes, him," Jane clarified.

"Cisco is also a scientist who is on Dr. Wells' team with me. I doubt we both have time to go to a _get together_ ," Caitlin frowned and her mom nodded her head slowly.

"Well, maybe you can join a gym or something? Focus on getting your body in shape?" Jane asked and there it was. Another under the table comment about her mom not thinking her body was good enough. Caitlin hesitated for a moment as she frowned. This was the second time her mom had called her out because of her body and it was starting to wear Caitlin thin.

"I…might take up yoga?" Caitlin replied uncertainly. The gym had never been Caitlin's forte, not even being able to pass the class she was required to take in high school. Thank God her principal didn't punish her for that and she had still graduated at the top of her class.

"You should really take _something_ up," her mom agreed, "It'll help you meet someone faster if you're looking your best."

Caitlin sighed. Her mom was pretty adamant about her meeting someone.

"Well, don't let me keep you any longer from your _important_ work," her mom emphasized before standing up and leaving, shutting the door softly behind her. Caitlin stared at her closed door before pinching the bridge of her nose. She hesitated a moment before walking down the hallway to the bathroom she shared with her parents. In the far corner was a scale, something Caitlin had never bothered herself with to begin with; she never found the need to. Now, stepping onto it slowly, she was curious to see what had her mom so bent out of shape over.

She waited for the numbers to settle before taking a deep breath and looking down. 115. It didn't _look_ like her weight had changed from high school but she glared at the red numbers as if they had caused her a personal offense. Sighing, she stepped down and went to the mirror before placing her hands on her stomach and stared critically at herself from every angle. No matter which way she turned herself, all she saw was excessive weight. Dammit.

She made her way down the stairs quietly and poured herself another cup of coffee before glancing at the clock on their kitchen wall. Four in the evening. Sighing, she left her coffee black and headed back upstairs to finish her report, praying this holiday would be over soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Caitlin had survived the last three days without too many difficulties. It was easy to keep herself locked in her room, with coffee and her report to distract herself. She didn't come down for meals, saying she'd heat her food up later when she had a chance to take a break from her report. Her mom was only too happy about that. She was proud about the work she had made on her report and had face timed Felicity a lot since she hadn't been able to get out of her house as often as she would have liked. Felicity said she had understood and was pretty busy herself; Caitlin expected Oliver had a lot to do with that. Once the morning of the day she would be driving back arrived, Caitlin woke up to an empty stomach and smiled slightly at the hunger pains that were shooting around her stomach. She was proud of herself, she hadn't eaten anything since her mother told her she was too fat. Getting up, she felt a wave of dizziness wrack through her body, leaving her light headed for a moment. She waited for it to pass.

"No pain, no gain," she muttered to herself once it passed and she stood up. After getting changed into some jeans and a sweatshirt, Caitlin made her way to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. She stared curiously at the scale before sighing and stepping on it. Once the numbers settled, she peeked down at. 111. Not a huge transformation but enough to make her smile slightly. Getting off, she made her way back to her room to grab her duffle bag and any odds and ends she would need for her drive then headed downstairs.

Her parents were waiting for her and she smiled as best she could, relieved to be getting away from them for a while. Well, she'd miss her father, she always did, but it was nice to be saying goodbye to her mother until the summer holidays. She had already planned to stay at the school during her spring break with Cisco.

"I should get going," Caitlin muttered and her dad nodded his head as he pulled her into a tight hug.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat before you leave?" Her dad asked and Caitlin shook her head.

"Long drive, I'll grab something on my way out. I just need coffee," she muttered and her dad chuckled before handing her a thermos.

"Figured you might," he murmured and Caitlin smiled gratefully.

"Thanks, Daddy," she replied softly and he kissed her cheek.

"Have a good term, sweetheart, and see you for summer vacation," he said. She hugged him tightly before looking at her mother.

"Remember, Caitlin, try to get out and join some groups with Charles," her mom said and Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

"It's Cisco," she replied for what felt like the millionth time but her mom just shrugged a shoulder.

"Whatever his name is," she dismissed and Caitlin nodded her head, too tired to fight her on the matter.

After staying a few more moments, she tightened the strap of her duffle bag on her shoulder and got ready to head out.

"Bye guys," she murmured, "I'll text you when I make it safely." She was mainly telling that to her dad, the only parent who would truly be worried about her on the roads. He smiled gratefully and Caitlin made her way outside and into her car. She paused after starting it and sent a group text message to Cisco and Felicity.

 _Guys, heading out now. Felicity, thanks for making time for me. Cisco-see you in a few hours; oh, by the way Cisco, my mom thinks your name is Charles. –Caitlin_

Caitlin waited a few moments before her phone dinged with two alerts.

 _That old bat -Cisco_

 _Your mom is a real piece of sunshine. Drive safe. –Felicity_

Caitlin couldn't help but laugh as she turned some music on lowly and began her drive, sipping from her coffee as she made her way through the winding roads and back into the city. Her drive lasted about three hours, with only two stops for coffee. She had made it in good time. Smiling as soon as she pulled up to her dorm, she got out of the car and grabbed her duffle bag and made her way into the building. She spotted Cisco right away, who was leaning against the door, waiting for her.

"Cisco!" Caitlin called excitedly and his head snapped up, beaming grin on his face.

"Cait!" Cisco called back and engulfed her into a tight hug that Caitlin readily returned.

"God, I've missed you. Holidays were boring without being able to work on my report with you," he said and Caitlin smiled softly. Cisco had opted to remain at the school this year for the holidays, considering his parents had gone to visit his older brother in a different state.

"Holidays were…rough for me," Caitlin muttered and Cisco frowned in sympathy. He knew all about the strained relationship between her and her mother.

"Mom that bad?" Cisco asked softly and Caitlin hesitated, torn between being honest and not wanting to get into the comments about her body. Shrugging, she told the half-truth.

"I just never seem to be good enough for her," she muttered and Cisco squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

"Well, you're back where you belong now, with three hours separating the two of you. I think this calls for a celebration. Pizza?" Cisco asked and Caitlin sighed, shaking her head.

"Already ate a big breakfast with my dad and I'm still full from it," Caitlin lied and it was harder to lie to Cisco than anybody else.

"And you've probably had about thirteen cups of coffee," he laughed and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Three," she replied and Cisco shrugged his shoulder.

"Same thing," he dismissed and Caitlin swatted his shoulder.

"Rude."

"You love me."

"Too true," Caitlin agreed.

"At least go to the dining hall with me?" Cisco asked hopefully.

"Sure, I need more coffee anyways," Caitlin shrugged her shoulder and Cisco nodded his head.

"Figured," he agreed and Caitlin laughed.

"Let me just go deposit my duffle bag and I'll meet you down here," she murmured. She made her way up the stairs and to her room, forgoing the elevator, especially since her room was only on the third floor. She sighed happily as she walked in and noticed her roommate, Lisa, gone. It wasn't like the two of them didn't get along; they just didn't have anything in common. Lisa liked to spend her weekends at frat parties, Caitlin liked spending her weekends in Dr. Wells' lab with Cisco. There really wasn't anything more left to say about the matter.

After placing her duffle bag down on the chair, she made her way back down the stairs to where Cisco was waiting for her.

"Let's go, I'm starving," Cisco stated and Caitlin laughed.

"When are you not?" Caitlin deadpanned and Cisco rolled his eyes.

"Fine, never," he agreed, "now let's go. One large, supreme pizza is calling my name."

And Caitlin let herself be dragged out and to the dining hall where she filled up on coffee yet again.

After securing their favorite table, Cisco dug into his pizza with flourish and Caitlin sipped her coffee. She was getting better at ignoring the rumbling in her belly.

It wasn't too long before a voice interrupted them.

"Ms. Snow, Mr. Ramon," Dr. Wells called to them and Caitlin looked up to see him walking towards them, with some guy in tow.

They paused at their table and Caitlin looked at them curiously.

"Hello Dr. Wells," she smiled before looking at the guy.

"This is Barry Allen, the new transfer," Dr. Wells introduced him and Caitlin bobbed her head.

"Oh yes, of course. I'm Caitlin, your tour guide. I thought I'd be meeting you when classes started on Monday?" Caitlin asked quizzically and she watched as Barry gave her a small smile.

"I came a few days early to get acquainted with the campus," he replied and Caitlin nodded her head in understanding.

"I hope you don't mind but Barry is going to be joining our team. One of the main reasons he transferred. Barry is a superb scientist," Dr. Wells filled in and Caitlin smiled encouragingly.

"That's great," she murmured and Barry mirrored her smile.

"Thanks," he replied with a dip of his head before looking at Cisco.

"And who are you?" Barry asked politely.

"Cisco," Cisco replied as a piece of pizza fell out of his mouth.

"Chew with your mouth closed," Caitlin and Dr. Wells reminded him and all four of them laughed.

"Mind…mind if I join you guys?" Barry asked hesitantly and Caitlin nodded her head encouragingly.

"We'd love to have you, Barry," she smiled and he sat down next to her.

Caitlin felt some anxiety bubble up inside her at having to sit next to a new guy but knew Dr. Wells would never leave her with anybody he didn't trust so was able to combat it pretty quickly. Dr. Wells smiled at them for a moment.

"Well, I better head back to my office. See you all Monday morning. Barry's in your class, Caitlin ad Cisco," Dr. Wells added and they nodded their heads before he left them alone.

The three fell into easy conversation, and Caitlin was reminded of how happy she was to be back home, where she belonged.


	4. Chapter 4

Caitlin spent the rest of the afternoon and Sunday with Cisco and Barry, Barry quickly becoming a good friend. She politely declined each offer to go get something to eat, saying she had already eaten or had to work on her report for Dr. Wells. Cisco, bless him, didn't raise any suspicions and Barry still didn't know her well enough to voice any of his own, if he had any. Caitlin would retire to the library whenever they went to go eat, one time even getting off campus to go buy a scale. She had promised herself she would never become one of those girls who were obsessed with their weight, and she wasn't. She was just disciplining herself when it came to how much she ate, never mind the fact that she hadn't eaten or drank anything in the past six days besides coffee and water.

Before slinging her bag over her shoulder to go to the library, Caitlin pulled her scale down from the top of her closest shelf and stood on it expectantly. 109. Smiling in satisfaction, she pushed it back to the top, despite the protesting from her shaking hands.

Once out of her dorm, she headed in the general direction of the library, popping into the coffee shop on campus and grabbed a cup of coffee to go. The heat warmed her up significantly against the harsh winter winds and she bundled her coat tighter around her, feeling as if she was shaking from the inside. After she had reached the library and navigated her way to the table that was in the secluded corner in the back, Caitlin sat down and took out her laptop, placing her coffee next to it. She then pulled up her report and began editing it, making any adjustments she deemed necessary. She got so lost in work that she didn't even hear anybody else in the library until somebody approached her.

"Do you _ever_ stop drinking coffee, Cait?" Barry's voice was teasing as he sat down next to her and she looked up, startled, before laughing.

"Not really, I have an unhealthy addiction to it," she replied and Barry nodded his head.

"I can see that," he said with a grin and Caitlin tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear.

"What brings you here?" Caitlin asked conversationally, pushing her laptop to the side.

"Well, to tell you the truth, seeing Cisco chew with his mouth open for the hundredth time is really not my _thing_ ," Barry joked and Caitlin couldn't help but laugh.

"You get used to it," she smiled warmly and Barry grinned in return.

"Speaking from experience?" Barry asked and Caitlin chuckled.

"Definitely."

The two fell into a comfortable silence as she took another drink of coffee before shaking slightly.

"You're trembling," Barry noted in concern and she shrugged a shoulder.

"It's just cold in here," she replied as she tightened her coat around her. Barry bought her excuse without any question.

"So, anyone in Dr. Wells' group I should watch out for?" Barry asked her a moment later and Caitlin smirked.

"Besides me?" Caitlin challenged.

"Obviously." Barry replied with a chuckle.

"We're all very good at what we study. There really is no competition, Dr. Wells admires us all equally," Caitlin said and Barry nodded his head.

"That's good, as much as I love a healthy competition, I don't much look forward to competing with you or Cisco," he replied softly and Caitlin couldn't quite make out the tone he was speaking in. It sounded almost…tender. Smiling slightly, she shook her head softly to clear herself of the thoughts.

"Well, you're in luck. Cisco and I don't even compete with each other and he's one of the most competitive people I know. No, it's all very much balanced when it comes to the group that Dr. Wells has put together," she said and Barry smiled.

"Good," he murmured. He peeked at her coffee cup.

"Looks like you're almost out of coffee. Fancy going for another cup and putting the report on hold for a couple of hours?" Barry asked hopefully and who was she to deny such a bright offer? Smiling, she shut her laptop softly and placed it back into her bag before standing up. A wave of dizziness hit her and made her stumble slightly.

"Whoa there," Barry murmured as he stood up quickly and placed his hand on her back.

"Are you alright, Cait?" Barry asked in concern and she nodded her head, waving him off.

"Yeah, just stood up too quickly," she muttered before straightening back up. She gripped the table as she waited for the dizzy spell to pass before looking at Barry with a smile.

"Ready?" Caitlin asked and he hesitated before nodding his head.

"Let's go," he agreed and let his hand drop back down to his side. They walked next to each other in comfortable silence and Caitlin couldn't quite believe that she was hanging out with a guy that wasn't Cisco or Oliver just for the fun of it. As they got ready to walk out of the library, their hands accidentally brushed, sending a jolt of electricity from the top of Caitlin's spine down to her toes. Barry, however, noticed something else.

"God, Cait, your hands are like ice," Barry said and Caitlin frowned. She hadn't really noticed.

:"I just get cold easily," she said and Barry looked at her a moment. Caitlin couldn't quite read the expression he wore but he almost looked…questioning. As soon as she had that thought, Barry's face transformed into a smile and she was sure she had imagined it.

"Good thing for you, I have gloves," he replied softly and she watched as he drew a pair out of his coat pocket and handed them to her. She slid them on with little protest from her shaking fingers, instantly feeling some of the numbness thawing out. She smiled.

"Thank you," she said warmly.

"Of course," Barry returned the smile and the pair made their way to the coffee shop.

Once they got there, Caitlin secured them a table as Barry went and ordered two coffees.

After arriving at their table, he sat down and placed her coffee in front of her, along with a chocolate chip cookie and Caitlin stared at it.

"Figured you'd need the fuel for when you get back to working on the report," Barry chuckled and Caitlin smiled hesitantly, fear bubbling up in her stomach. She hadn't eaten in six days and _this_ was the first thing she was expected to eat? No. No way.

Painting a smile on her face, she placed the cookie in her bag and looked up at Barry.

"Thank you," she said softly as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "I'll save it for when I do sit back down to the report. Refuel then."

Barry looked at where the cookie had disappeared to before looking at Caitlin.

"You're sure you don't want it now?" Barry checked and Caitlin kept the smile firmly in place.

"Definitely want to enjoy it right before I get back to the hard stuff." She sighed dramatically and Barry dropped the subject with a chuckle.

"Alright," he replied and Caitlin sighed in relief.

"What's your story?" Barry asked a moment later and Caitlin looked at him.

"My story?" Caitlin asked in confusion and he nodded his head.

"Yeah, you know, do you have any brothers or sisters? A pet waiting back home for you? Parents who adore you, etc. etc. "

Caitlin thought her answer over as anxiety danced around in her belly. She could do this. She could open up to someone who wasn't Felicity or Cisco, However, she still held back and Barry must've seen enough fear in her face because he was backtracking immediately.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Barry murmured and there was a certain….gentleness to his voice that made Caitlin feel safe and warm. Also made her feel like she could cry. She cleared her throat before shaking her head.

"No, it's-it's alright," she said and began talking.

"Only kid, no pets, very close to my father….and working on a relationship with my mother," she mumbled, not wanting to get into the topic of her mother too much.

Barry nodded his head.

"Favorite book?" Barry moved onto the next subject and Caitlin smiled gratefully.

"Pride and Prejudice," she murmured and Barry smiled.

"Fan of the classics?" Barry asked and she nodded her head.

"Always have been," she replied softly.

"Favorite movie?" Barry ploughed on and Caitlin thought about it.

"I…don't really have one?" Caitlin said uncertainly and Barry's eyes bugged out.

"You don't have a favorite _movie_?" He asked incredulously and Caitlin shrugged an apologetic shoulder.

"I watch Star Wars with Cisco?" Caitlin asked and Barry laughed.

"Could be worse," he decided.

"Favorite show?" Barry carried on.

"Definitely the Walking Dead," she smiled and Barry nodded his head in approval.

"Good show," he hummed and Caitlin laughed in agreement.

"I watch that with Cisco, too." Caitlin added lightly.

"That doesn't surprise me," Barry said and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

The two continued to talk, and Caitlin felt herself relaxing significantly. She knew that if she wasn't careful, her anxiety could cost her new friends, something that Cisco and Felicity had pointed out on multiple occasions, even going as far as suggesting to talk to someone about it. Her mother would never let her hear the end of it if she did. She glanced at her watch eventually and was surprised she had spent about three hours with him.

"I completely lost track of time," she murmured as she stood up.

"I'm going to get a refill and then I have to head back to the library," she muttered apologetically but Barry just smiled comfortingly at her.

"That's alright, Cait, I should probably go see if Cisco is still eating half of the dining hall," he laughed and Caitlin smiled warmly.

"Too right you should," she replied and went and got her refill, with Barry waiting for her. Once they made their way back outside, Caitlin bundled herself in her coat and handed over his gloves.

"Keep them, I'll get them from you in class tomorrow," he said and she nodded her head.

"Also, enjoy that cookie," he added and she smiled.

"I will," she said softly, waiting for him to walk off. Once he did, she took the cookie out of her bag and tossed it into the trashcan before taking a sip of her coffee and making her way back to the library, to spend another night working on the last of her report, ignoring the constant pains in her stomach as she did so.

 **Author's note:** This story is very near and dear to me, something I want to do justice. If there's anything you guys want to see, leave it in a comment and I'll see if it can incorporate it into the story. Also, still working on The Art of Staying in Love. XOXO


	5. Chapter 5

Caitlin had finally made it to Monday morning, the day classes started again. Also, it marked her first full week of no food and she couldn't be more proud of herself. She glanced at her alarm and wondered why she woke up at three in the morning instead of when her alarm was supposed to go off at six. Then she realized it was her stomach that had woken her up. It was screaming for food. She twisted and turned, trying to get it to settle down and eventually, the rumbling grew fainter. Sighing, she wondered what she would do now that she was up an extra three hours. She thought briefly about what her mom had said to her about joining a gym and deliberated. The gym would be empty at this hour. Easing out of bed and grabbing onto her desk to support her limbs for a moment, Caitlin made her way to her closet, before pausing and turning back to stare at Lisa's bed. Empty. She must've crashed at her boyfriend's apartment again. She flipped on the light once she was sure she wasn't going to wake up her roommate and headed back to her closet.

Once there, she rifled through her shirts until her fingers landed on an old college shirt of her dad's that was too small on him now. She put it on before changing out of her pajama pants and into some of her most old lounge shorts. Then she grabbed her tennis shoes that she saved for days in the lab with Cisco and Dr. Wells. After putting them on, she grabbed her keys and made her way out of the room. Luckily the gym was right across from the coffee shop and the coffee shop was about a two minute walk from Caitlin's dorm, so she really wasn't worried about walking across campus by herself at this hour.

Once she made it to the gym, she badged herself in and walked around, looking at all of the machines. She knew she couldn't lift weights to save her life, nor run on a treadmill; she'd just knock herself to the ground. She glanced at one of the cardio machines and smiled. _That_ she could do.

Walking up to it, she climbed on it cautiously and stared at the buttons on the screen. After selecting cardio, she selected start and began to work out. At first, she felt like an idiot, trying to move her arms and legs in a smooth rotation but she learned quickly enough and soon had a steady rhythm going. Glancing at her phone for the time, she came to the conclusion that she had just long enough to be on the machine for an hour before she needed to get back in time. So that's what she did; she stayed on the machine for an hour, pumping her legs and sweating profusely. Also, smiling in satisfaction as she watched her calorie count grow higher. By the time her hour was up, she had burned five hundred calories and two hundred fat calories and Caitlin felt proud of herself. She stepped off the machine on legs that shook and felt like jelly and took a steadying breath to help calm her heart. Once she felt like she was ready to walk back to her dorm, she did.

Once there, Caitlin let herself back into her room and grabbed her stuff for a shower, happy that she'd get the whole bathroom to herself instead of sharing it with the other six girls who lived on her floor.

She made her way down to the bathroom and stepped into a stall, immediately feeling her muscles relax under the hot water. She never dawdled in the shower for too long, knowing she had other things to do and this morning was no different. After about ten minutes, she stepped out and dried off, then slipped on a pair of clean shorts and a shirt, before walking silently back to her room. A quick glanced at the clock told her it was five and she smiled. She was still right on track to make it for coffee with Cisco on time.

Before getting ready, Caitlin pulled her scale down and weighed herself. 107. She knew she wasn't losing weight at an alarming rate by any means, but it was still nice to see the changes each day. Two pounds down from yesterday left a smile on her face and flushed with pride.

"Look at me now, Mom," Caitlin muttered as she lifted the scale back up to the top of her closet.

After she was ready for the morning and it was a suitable time to leave in order to meet Cisco, Caitlin slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way out of her dorm and down the stairs to their main lobby. Once there, she spotted Cisco talking to Barry and navigated her way over to them.

"Hey, guys," she murmured and looked at Barry curiously.

"Are you joining us?" Caitlin asked and he nodded his head.

"If that's alright with you," he replied softly and she smiled.

"Sure," she agreed and he matched her smile.

"C'mon guys, I need some bagels," Cisco exclaimed and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

"And I need coffee," she added and it was Cisco's turn to roll his eyes.

"If you end up in the hospital due to a caffeine induced coma, I'm definitely never letting you forget it," he warned and she laughed as the three of them made their way out of the dorm house.

Once they reached the coffee shop and had gotten their coffee, and two bagels for the guys, they picked a table and sat down.

"Not hungry, Cait?" Barry asked and she shook her head.

"I had a banana in my room," she lied easily and it was dropped.

Caitlin sipped her coffee, periodically wrapping her hands around the cup to steal some of its warmth as she listened to the guys' conversation about what their class with Dr. Wells would be like.

Caitlin wasn't too worried; it was never too challenging on the first day back from a holiday of some sort and the three of them had already finished their reports, so it would be exceptionally easy for them. When it came time to leave, Caitlin signaled that she was going to get a refill. After making her way over to the coffee pot, she picked it up and felt her hand shake uncontrollably. She sat it back down hastily as she looked at her hand. It was like there were fine tremors coursing through it; her other hand in much the same way.

She felt a soft hand between her shoulder blades and looked around to see Barry staring at her.

"You alright?" Barry asked softly and she nodded her head with a faint smile.

"Apparently, there is such a thing as _too_ much caffeine," she laughed weakly and his eyes looked at her hands.

"Oh, wow," he murmured as he watched them shake. She tucked them against her rib cage and shrugged a shoulder.

"It's fine, just had a lot of coffee over the past couple of days," she muttered and he laughed softly.

"Well, I'm not about to suggest that you quit cold turkey because I'd hate to see what withdrawals look like for you, so…" he trailed off as he refilled her cup for her and handed it to her with a soft smile. She returned it and took the cup, making sure she had an extra tight grip on it.

"Thanks," she murmured and he nodded his head.

"Don't mention it," he replied. The pair then made their way back to Cisco, who was watching the interaction curiously but didn't mention anything about it besides a joke about a coffee induced coma. Rolling her eyes, Caitlin smiled slightly as they made their way to the science building, hoping her shaking hands would calm down long enough to be able to complete whatever assignment Dr. Wells gave them. Sighing, she knew she was in for a long day.


	6. Chapter 6

Caitlin's first day of classes after the holidays weren't nearly as tiresome and difficult as she expected. She had a suspicion coffee played a huge factor into that. Sure, she felt lightheaded the majority of the day but it didn't interfere with her ability to focus. Especially in Dr. Wells' class. The only thing she did notice? The fact that she kept catching Barry watching her out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't entirely sure what he was doing but she never asked.

Speaking of Barry, it was also the day that she was supposed to give him a tour of the campus and that turned out to be surprisingly easier than she thought it would be. It was mainly because he had been there for a few days and had already walked around the majority of the campus so all she had to do was show him where his classes were. Turned out that they had three more classes together and she was rather happy about that. Would be nice to be able to know _someone_ in her classes.

As they day drew to a close, Caitlin smiled softly, feeling tired but very pleased with how the day turned out.

"I don't know about you, but all of that walking has made me hungry. Care to go get a bite to eat?" Barry drew her from her thoughts and she blinked up at him.

"Oh, I was hungry earlier and got a bite to eat while you were in your afternoon class. Hope you don't mind," she frowned and he shook his head.

"Nah, that's alright. Glad you got something to eat. You haven't really been coming to meals with Cisco and myself, so I wasn't sure when you were actually eating," Barry murmured and that made Caitlin's heart thump harshly against her ribcage.

"Trust me, I've been eating. I can just usually last on a several cups of coffee before I need to eat," she lied and Barry nodded his head.

"I've noticed," he laughed and Caitlin felt her cheeks warm.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about!" Barry hastened to add. "I just want to make sure you are actually eating from time to time. You can't actually survive on coffee alone."

Caitlin chuckled as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Yeah, I know."

The conversation was left there for a moment and Caitlin took the opportunity to yawn into her hand, her early morning finally catching up with her.

"You look like you could use a nap," Barry commented and she laughed slightly.

"I probably could but instead, I'm going to get some coffee and retire to the library to work on the assignment Dr. Wells gave us," she replied softly and Barry nodded his head.

"Of course you are," he replied fondly and his tone warmed Caitlin from head to toe.

"Well, I _am_ me," she teased and Barry chuckled.

He walked with her to the coffee shop and to make it look like she actually did eat, she ordered a bagel to go along with her coffee and caught him smiling softly out of the corner of her eye. Instead of commenting on it, she made her way out of line and back towards the front door once she had her food and drink.

"Well, I suppose this is where I leave you," Barry murmured and she nodded her head.

"I suppose so," she agreed and he looked at her for a moment before hesitantly brushing some of her hair back behind her shoulder. She watched him as he did so before a smile took over his face.

"Have fun studying," he murmured, "who knows, maybe I'll join you sometime later this evening."

She nodded her head.

"I'd like that," she replied softly. Barry smiled at her one more time before they went their separate ways. Once Caitlin reached the library, she made her way to her favorite table and secured it with a smile. As she pulled out her books, she realized she still had the bagel in her hand. Looking at it for a moment, she got up and tossed it in the nearest trashcan before returning back to her table and began working on her studies, sipping periodically from her coffee. She still wasn't sure at which point she fell asleep.

Feeling someone shaking her shoulder softly is what tugged Caitlin back awake.

"Cait. Hey, Caitlin, wake up," a soft voice murmured in her ear.

"Hmm?" Caitlin asked as she blinked her eyes open. Her back felt incredibly stiff and sore from the position she fell asleep in and she looked around, trying to locate the person who was speaking to her. She noticed Barry and Cisco crouched down on either side of her and she stared at them.

"W-what time is it?" Caitlin mumbled sleepily and Barry laughed quietly.

"About eight. Why don't you go back to your dorm and call it a night?" Barry asked softly but she shook her head.

"I can't, I have to finish studying," she replied. Cisco shook his head.

"You fell asleep at the table. That's never happened before. You're obviously exhausted so I am hereby banning you from studying anymore tonight," he stated quietly and Caitlin frown unhappily.

"But Dr. Wells assignment…" she trailed off.

"Will still be there tomorrow. And it's not even due for three more weeks. You've got plenty of time," Cisco replied gently and Caitlin rubbed her eyes tiredly. She couldn't _believe_ she fell asleep. That wasn't like her at all.

"Alright," she muttered as she began piling all of her books back into her bag. She glanced at her coffee but realized it would be ice cold by now and sighed.

Cisco followed her line of sight and shook his head. "No more coffee for you tonight."

He then proceeded to throw it away in the same trashcan she had tossed her bagel into hours before. She frowned.

"Such a waste of a perfectly good cup of coffee," she mumbled and both Barry and Cisco chuckled.

"I'm sure you'll survive," Barry said and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Hopefully," she muttered before standing up and stretching, not aware that her shirt was rising up while she did so.

"Oh my god, Cait," Cisco said and she frowned at him.

"What?" Caitlin asked softly.

"Since when are your ribs that pronounced?" Cisco demanded and Caitlin looked at him in confusion.

"What are you talking about, Cisco?" Caitlin asked sleepily then held up a hand.

"You know what, never mind. I'm too tired to even ask," she laughed and slung her bag over her shoulder.

"And I doubt they're as "pronounced" as you claim. They've always shown," she added. Cisco looked like he wanted to say something but she beat him to it.

"Thanks for waking me up, guys. I really should go sleep in a proper bed. See you tomorrow," she said softly and walked off without another word. The quietness behind her clued her into the fact that neither one of them had followed her, and she was relieved about that. Once she made it to her dorm and had gotten ready for bed, she looked curiously at her mirror before lifting up her shirt. She saw three of her ribs showing and smiled slightly before crawling into bed and letting sleep overcome her.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, Caitlin felt like she could barely lie still, she was shaking that much. She woke up about ten minutes before her alarm went off at its new time and laid in bed, trying to control the tremors running through her hands. After getting used to them, Caitlin eased herself out of bed and waited until the lightheadedness passed. It took a couple minutes longer than normal, but that too finally passed as well. Smiling, she walked towards her closet and pulled out an outfit similar to the morning before and her tennis shoes, then headed out of her dorm and then her dorm building, making her way to the gym. Once again, it was empty, the way she preferred it and she headed towards the cardio machine she was on yesterday. She had exactly an hour allotted to work out before she had to get back and get ready.

Once her hour was up, Caitlin got off the machine on shaky legs and stood there for several moments, willing herself to not pass out. After calming down her heartrate, Caitlin left the gym and headed back to her dorm to get ready.

After her shower, Caitlin went back to her room and stood in front of the mirror, studying her image critically. Her cheeks still had too much fat on them, something her mother would surely comment about, and her collar bone could be more apparent. She then lifted up her shirt and traced her fingers along the ribs that were showing. While proud about it last night, she knew she could do better. She'd have to if she wanted her mother to stop breathing down her neck. Sighing, she lowered her shirt and finished getting ready. She eventually made her way down to the lobby where Cisco and Barry were waiting for her yet again.

"Hello," she murmured and they stopped their conversation and looked at her. She suddenly got the feeling they had been talking about _her_.

"What?" Caitlin asked anxiously as she shifted around on the balls of her feet. Cisco smiled quickly.

"Nothing, Cait," he replied, "We were just saying how we thought it'd be cool to actually go to the dining hall for breakfast this morning since we have enough time."

Caitlin felt her heart beat unevenly as she licked her lips.

"We can't just do coffee like normal?" Caitlin asked cautiously and Barry stared at her for a moment before shaking his head.

"I thought it'd be a good idea if we all had something more filling than a bagel," he clarified casually and Caitlin bit her lip. How was she supposed to get out of this one? She couldn't very well say she had already eaten, she had just come from her dorm and would have to say _why_ she had eaten before seven in the morning. Sighing, she nodded her head as she saw no other alternative.

"Alright," she muttered and Cisco smiled hesitantly at her.

"Thank you," he breathed out and Caitlin wasn't quite sure why his tone sounded like he was relieved. She resisted the temptation to frown as she nodded her head.

"Let's get this show on the road," she sighed and Barry led the way out, with Caitlin in the middle, and Cisco bringing up the end of the group. Caitlin was thinking furiously fast. It had been about nine days since she had last eaten; she wasn't even _sure_ what her stomach would do with food. She could just get some coffee and fruit and pick at it, keep the boys talking so they didn't notice. She smiled slightly as she realized that's exactly what she would do. Once they got to the dining hall, they picked out a table and spilt off to different sections of the hall to get their food. Caitlin reached the fruit bar and stared at it uneasily. She took her time deciding what she wanted, letting other students go before her so she didn't hold up the line. Eventually, she got a banana and three strawberries, and then made her way towards the coffee machine. Once she was satisfied with her meal, she made it back to the table where Barry and Cisco were waiting for her. Their eyes fell to her plate and then looked up at her.

"That's all you're going to eat, Cait?" Barry asked and there was a gentleness to his tone that she didn't understand. She shrugged a shoulder as she took a sip of her coffee.

"Yeah, I'm not feeling too well for some reason, don't want to overwhelm my stomach right before Dr. Wells' lab," she lied.

Barry frowned. "Are you okay?"

Caitlin nodded. "Yeah, just a bit off today."

"Maybe you need a bigger meal, something to balance an illness if you're getting sick," Cisco chimed in and she resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

"I'm good," she replied and the subject was dropped.

The guys went back to talking about whatever they had been talking about but Caitlin could've _sworn_ she saw Barry stealing glances at her plate and then her. She didn't know if she was just being paranoid but it left her feeling uneasy. Caitlin peeled back her banana peel and looked at the banana for a moment before tearing off a tiny piece and eating it. She chewed it as slowly as she dared before swallowing it and fighting back a grimace. She couldn't do this; she _wouldn't_ do this. When she was sure the guys weren't looking, she tore off a bigger chunk and dropped it in the napkin that was on her lap. She repeated this process periodically until all the food but one bite of strawberry was gone. Barry looked up as she popped it into her mouth and he smiled.

"Feeling any better?" Barry asked softly and she nodded as she swallowed.

"Yeah, I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I ate that," she murmured. She took a sip of her coffee to get rid of the remaining taste of food in her mouth before smiling hesitantly.

"We should go," she murmured as she crumpled up her napkin and set it on her plate.

"Are you sure you don't want seconds or anything, we still have half an hour to go before Wells' class," Barry offered but Caitlin shook her head, horrified at the thought.

"No, thank you, I'm good. I'll wait until lunch," she said softly, already coming up with a plan to be away from the guys for lunch and dinner.

Barry stared at her for a moment, analyzing something, and then nodded.

"Sounds good," he replied lightly. They all stood up and went to go throw away their trash. Caitlin sighed once they were outside of the dining hall and on their way to class. She felt horrible for even having those few bites and knew that she would probably go back to the gym tonight just to work it off. She wasn't, _was not_ going to give her mother the chance to tell her that her body did not look good ever again. She was going to show her that she was good enough as she was, even if it meant she had to restrict herself. She would do whatever it took to get her mother's approval.


	8. Chapter 8

Caitlin made it to Dr. Wells' class before things went south. It was about halfway over when she was hit with a dizzy spell that was so powerful it left her feeling out of sorts.

"Ms. Snow, are you alright?" Dr. Wells asked quietly as he walked up to her. She spotted Barry and Cisco pausing what they were doing and look up at her. She swallowed as she tried to fight passed the dizziness.

"I'm a-alright," she stuttered out as her hands clenched the table, forcing herself to keep standing upright. Dr. Wells frowned.

"Do you need to sit down for a moment?" Wells asked softly but she shook her head, too afraid that if she sat down, she'd never get back up again.

"I'm good," she murmured. Just then, the darkness started tugging at her vision and black pinpricks popped up along her vision, threating to pull her under.

"Uh, maybe I will sit down," she muttered and tried to ease herself down. She missed her chair completely as she collapsed onto the floor. The last thing she saw before the darkness took over was Barry trying to catch her. Then she succumbed to the darkness completely.

"Cait? Hey, Caitlin, can you hear me?" A soft voice is what pulled her back to consciousness in the first place. Blinking her eyes open, she glanced around and spotted Barry sitting to the left of her, with Cisco taking the seat on her right.

"What happened?" Caitlin asked in confusion.

"You fainted," Barry replied quietly.

Caitlin blinked again as she looked around. She was in the on campus nurse's office. Of course. She tried to sit up but Barry placed his hand against her shoulder and pushed her back down gently.

"You need to lie still," he murmured and Caitlin nodded her head. Just then the nurse came bustling in.

"You gave your friends quite the scare, sweetheart," she said and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder sheepishly.

"Sorry," she murmured.

The nurse nodded her head before looking at Barry and Cisco.

"I'm going to need you two to leave now while I talk to Ms. Snow," she addressed them and Caitlin frowned. Talk to her about what?

"We'll be right outside, Cait," Cisco promised softly but she shook her head.

"Go back to class," she murmured.

"Class is over," Barry said quietly and Caitlin sighed.

"Then go back to Dr. Wells and pick up the work I missed?" Caitlin asked and Cisco nodded his head after sharing a look with Barry.

"I can do that," he replied and Caitlin smiled at him.

"Thank you, Cisco," she said softly.

After they had left, the nurse looked at her.

"When's the last time you've eaten, dear?" She asked and wow, this woman didn't beat around the bush.

"This morning," Caitlin replied automatically.

"And before that?" The nurse asked.

Caitlin frowned. What was this woman getting at?

"Uh…" Caitlin trailed off and the nurse sighed. Caitlin took a look at her name tag and realized her name was Karen.

"I'm going to need you to get on this scale," Karen said and Caitlin sighed.

"Alright," Caitlin muttered as she stood up.

"Take off your shoes, please," Karen added. Caitlin kicked them off before standing up on the scale. Caitlin watched as the numbers settled and smiled triumphantly as they landed on 105. Karen, however, tutted.

"You're severely underweight for your height, dear," Karen said gently and Caitlin frowned.

"No I'm not," she replied but Karen shook her head.

"It says here in your charts that you're 5'5. You need to be weighing at _least_ 120-125 for your height and you weigh 105. That's considered "severely underweight"", Karen said.

Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. She still didn't know what this woman was getting at.

"Can you please lift your shirt up? Karen asked and Caitlin narrowed her eyes.

"What for?" Caitlin challenged and Karen sighed.

"I want to show you something," she replied and Caitlin looked at her suspiciously before doing so.

Once she had her shirt lifted up and Karen had directed her to the mirror, Caitlin watched as Karen pointed to her ribcage.

"That's definitely not healthy, dear," Karen said softly.

"My ribs have always shown," Caitlin defended but Karen shook her head.

"I doubt that much," she murmured.

"What's your point?" Caitlin asked in annoyance.

"You're not the first student I've seen in here who has an eating disorder," Karen said gently and Caitlin felt her eyes bug out.

"An _eating disorder_?" Caitlin asked incredulously and Karen nodded her head simply.

"I do not have an eating disorder! I just watch what I eat," Caitlin protested.

Karen sighed.

"I think it's a little more than that," Karen said softly and Caitlin felt her irritation grow. She pulled her shirt back down and turned away from the mirror.

"Are we done here?" Caitlin asked and Karen sighed.

"Just consider talking to someone, alright?" Karen asked. "Our campus has an on-sight therapist who has helped plenty of students before you and he can definitely help you," she murmured. Caitlin stared at her, tired of this conversation.

"Alright," she muttered in the hopes of Karen dropping it. She did.

"Alright," Karen murmured before jerking her head towards the door.

"You're free to go," she murmured and Caitlin nodded her head and slung her back over her shoulder.

"Thank you," she replied and marched out of the room only to see Barry standing there, looking at her.

"Barry?" Caitlin asked in fear.

"I thought you went with Cisco?" Caitlin asked and he shook his head.

"I stayed back to make sure you got back to your dorm okay. An eating disorder, Cait?" Barry asked gently and Caitlin sighed.

"Can we not do this here?" Caitlin muttered and Barry nodded his head.

"Let's go," he murmured and led the way out of the office. Once they were outside, he turned to look at her expectantly. Caitlin sighed.

"I do _not_ have an eating disorder," she clarified. "I just watch what I eat."

"Caitlin, I haven't seen you eat since I've been here except for today and that was just a few pieces of fruit," he said and Caitlin bit back her impatience, knowing it wasn't going to help the situation at all.

"I'm eating, alright?" Caitlin muttered but Barry shook his head.

"I don't think that you are," he murmured and Caitlin sighed.

"Let's say, for argument's sake, that you're right. It's still my choice," Caitlin replied.

"Do you have any idea how _dangerous_ that is, Cait? I mean you fainted in Wells' class," Barry said gently and Caitlin wondered why he was being so gentle with her.

"I just got tired!" Caitlin exclaimed.

"No, I think you got dizzy," Barry countered and damn, Caitlin hated the fact that he was right.

Caitlin shook her head. "Whatever."

Barry sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "Well, Cisco went to go get your work. I don't care what you have to say about the matter, we're going to the dining hall and you're going to eat something more than fruit and not drink coffee."

Caitlin stared at him.

"You can't force me to eat," she replied stubbornly.

"I thought you didn't have an eating disorder, Cait? If you truly don't, then you'll have no problem eating," he replied and Caitlin was stuck. On the one hand, she didn't want him breathing down her neck about this; on the other, she really didn't want to eat. Realizing that she'd just have to go to the gym, she nodded her head.

"You're right, I don't. And I'll just get a salad," she confirmed.

"Not the best but I'll take it," Barry smiled at her.

Caitlin nodded her head. Little did he know, she planned on doing what she did at breakfast and tossing the majority of it into her napkin when they weren't watching. Smile slightly at her clever plan, she nodded.

"Let's go," she muttered and he led the way to the dining hall, with her following.


	9. Chapter 9

Caitlin and Barry made it to the dining hall with no more discussion about whether or not she had an eating disorder. Which she _didn't_ and would vehemently protest that crazy idea. They went to their usual table and spotted Cisco already there, waiting for them.

"Hey, Caitlin, how are you feeling?" Cisco asked quietly and she shrugged a shoulder.

"Like I just passed out," she replied tiredly and he frowned in sympathy.

"Yes, well, let's get some food in you and you'll begin to feel better," Barry murmured and Caitlin sighed. Apparently, there was no way around this obstacle. Nodding her head, Caitlin stepped away from the table.

"I'm going to the salad bar," she called over her shoulder as she walked away.

"That's all you're getting?" Cisco called after her but she didn't respond.

She heard Barry mutter something about "not pushing their luck" and rolled her eyes. Once she made it to the salad bar, she took a long look at it before walking hesitantly up to it. She put a few pieces of lettuce onto her plate, added two carrot sticks, skipped the croutons and shredded cheese altogether, and then doubled back for a few tomatoes. Looking at the plate, she sighed. She would have to be careful about how she ate this in front of her friends, who, she had the feeling, would be watching her like a hawk. She went and got a glass of water and then made her way back to the table and sat down. Barry and Cisco had already beaten her to the table and were digging into their significantly larger dinner plates.

Barry looked up as she sat down and opened her cutlery and smiled encouragingly.

"You can do this," he murmured and Cisco nodded his head.

"You can," Cisco added and Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. It was a meal, of course she could do this. She didn't have an eating disorder.

She took her fork and knife and cut her tomato into two halves, before cutting one of the halves into an even smaller piece. She took that piece and popped it into her mouth and chewed for an immeasurable amount of time before swallowing. Then she took a sip of her water. When Barry and Cisco were talking again, she picked up a napkin and swiftly tossed in all the tomatoes before crumpling it up and setting it in her lap.

She then picked her fork back and repeated the same process with her two carrots, taking tiny bites here and there and then throwing out the rest when the guys weren't looking. Then came the hard part; the lettuce. Caitlin carefully cut her lettuce and took a bite when Barry looked up at her and smiled. She returned it before going back to cutting up her lettuce.

When she was sure he was engrossed in his conversation once again, she picked up three out of the five pieces of lettuce she had gotten and wrapped them up in a napkin before eating the remaining two. Well, as much as she could manage. Once she felt reasonably satisfied with herself, she cleared her throat to get the guys' attention.

"I'm done. How about you two?" Caitlin asked after they looked up at her. Barry eyes dropped down to her plate and he nodded his head approvingly.

"Good job, Cait," he murmured and Caitlin smiled as much as she could. Lying to Barry wasn't quite like lying to her other friends and she wasn't sure why. He didn't know her all that well yet, and she him. They had only been friends for going on a week and a half now and yet, he still looked so proud to see her empty plate. Sighing, she stood up and threw away all of her trash before going to get a cup of coffee.

"I thought you were going to relax on the coffee, Cait?" Cisco frowned but she shook her head.

"No, I need to start working on the assignments for Dr. Wells so I'll be in the library tonight," she replied and Barry studied her.

"Maybe one more night off won't hurt?" Barry asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Look guys, it's okay. _I'm_ okay. I promise to take better care of myself and eat more food and drink less coffee. I just really need to get to the library and start on my assignments or I'll fall behind and then my mother will have even more reason to hate-"Caitlin cut her ramble off with wide eyes. She couldn't _believe_ she had just brought her _mother_ into her freak out. Shaking her head, she stood up.

"I got to go, please let me go," she muttered as she blinked back tears. Barry stood up and handed her bag to her. He nodded his head.

"Alright," he murmured gently and Caitlin could see the curiosity burning in his eyes. He wanted to know more about the mini freak out she just had. Shaking her head, she slung her bag over shoulder, picked up her coffee, and waved.

"See you two tomorrow," she muttered and walked off briskly. Once she was out of the dining hall, she walked quickly to the library, dodging people as she went. What the hell happened to her? Why would she even dream of bringing up her mother in front of them? She wasn't as worried about Cisco since he already knew about their broken relationship but Barry? He did not need to know nor did it do her any good to tell him. Her stress and anxiety had just skyrocketed and now that was just one more thing that was going to alienate herself from him. Sighing, she reached the library and made a beeline for her favorite table, praying nobody was there yet. Thankfully, it was empty when she got there. She glanced at her watch that was now slipping down her wrist and frowned. Since when had it been too big for her? Sighing, she tightened it a notch and went back to glance at the time. Seven. She had exactly eight hours until three and that gave her eight hours of studying time, one hour of working out, one hour to get ready, and then coffee with Barry and Cisco. She wasn't sure when exactly she planned on sleeping but realized she didn't care. Unbeknownst to her, Caitlin had set out on a path to achieve perfection. Even if it killed her.

 **Author's note:** So a few of you guys expressed wishes for Barry to catch her putting her food in her napkin but I still want her ED to slowly spiral out of control before friends have to step in and help her. I'm really interested in writing about Caitlin's perfectionism so, bear with me! Thanks for all who have reviewed, favorited, and followed this! Means a lot.


	10. Chapter 10

Caitlin managed to study for the full eight hours and she was proud of herself for not falling asleep. Plus, she made excellent progress on Dr. Wells' assignment. She packed all of her things up and left the library, walking briskly back to her dorm. Once there, she made her way up to her room and opened the door softly in case Lisa had decided to finally come back. Nope. Still with her boyfriend or someone else from her group of friends. Smiling slightly, she turned on her light and began to get ready for her hour at the gym, determined to work out since she _did_ eat dinner.

Once she was back at the gym, she began her workout, pushing herself hard to help burn calories faster. After her hour was up she peeked down at the screen and grinned triumphantly. Six hundred calories and two hundred and fifty fat calories. Getting off the machine on shaky legs, Caitlin left and headed back to her dorm to get ready. When it was a suitable time to meet Cisco and Barry, she made her way out of her dorm and down to the lobby where, sure enough, they were waiting for her.

"God, what's with the excessive bags underneath your eyes?" Cisco demanded once he spotted her.

"Good morning to you, too," Caitlin deadpanned as she shrugged her sweater on.

"I just had a hard time falling asleep last night," she added. No need to tell them she had spent the whole night in the library and had yet to get any sleep.

"Well, we're about to go get some coffee so that should help," Barry said and she smiled gratefully.

"Absolutely,' Caitlin replied and the group made their way out of the lobby and outside. Caitlin fell into step next to Barry, smiling as their fingers brushed against each other periodically, sending bolts of electricity from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes.

Once they made it to the coffee shop, Caitlin felt instantly warmed from the cold outside. She smiled as she got a large coffee and then went to the table they usually sat at. As she sipped her coffee, she noticed Cisco ordering two bagels and shook her head slightly. The guy was _always_ hungry. Laughing quietly to herself, Caitlin wrapped her hands around her cup to attain some heat. Her hands were always cold for reasons unknown to her and she was desperately trying to warm them up. Just then, Barry and Cisco sat down on either side of her and Cisco slid one of his bagels over to her. She frowned.

"What's this?" Caitlin demanded.

"Your breakfast," Cisco replied and Caitlin shook her head.

"I'm not hungry," she said but Cisco was stubborn.

"Caitlin, eat the stupid bagel," he said forcefully. Caitlin stared at the bagel, already calculating how much she would have to work out at the gym. Then another idea came to her. One so brilliant it left a small smile on her face.

"Alright, you're right. I am a little hungry," she agreed lightly. She picked up the bagel and began eating it, still sipping from her coffee periodically. Once it was all gone, she smiled at Cisco who smiled at her in return.

"Ready to go?" Barry asked and she nodded her head.

"In a minute, I just need to use the restroom really quickly," Caitlin replied and they both signaled that they'd wait for her.

She walked to the bathroom and, after checking around for other people, locked herself in a stall and lifted up the seat. After getting down on her knees, Caitlin took a steadying breath before pushing one of her fingers against the back of her throat. It took her about three attempts before the bagel came tumbling out. She kept pushing her finger down her throat until she was sure there was nothing else to throw up. She flushed and exited the stall. After washing her hands and rinsing her mouth out with water, she stared at her reflection. She couldn't necessarily believe that she had just done that and hoped she wouldn't have to do it again but she still felt proud of herself.

Once she made her way back to Barry and Cisco, she smiled.

"Ready to go?" Barry asked gently and she just jerked her head to the coffee machine.

"Let me get a refill really quickly," she murmured and Barry rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

"Of course, coffee addict," he teased and she laughed.

After getting her coffee refilled, she walked back to them a second time and slung her bag over her shoulder.

"Now I'm ready," she verified and they made their way out of the coffee shop and out into the cold winter morning. Caitlin handed Cisco her coffee cup and then tightened her sweater around her shoulders. She noticed that it hung more loosely on her frame and smiled slightly about that before taking back her coffee cup.

"Figured we could get dinner tonight before you go to the library," Barry said casually and Caitlin blinked up at him. On the one hand, she didn't want to have to do what she just did again; on the other, if she declined it would raise suspicions with both Barry and Cisco. Sighing slightly, she nodded her head.

"That sounds like a good idea. I'll have a salad again," Caitlin responded softly and Barry smiled gently at her.

"Sounds good," he murmured and Caitlin returned his smile as best she could. She knew she had no choice now but to get rid of her dinner in the same way that she got rid of her breakfast. She just hoped they wouldn't catch onto that particular side of her diet. Snuggling into her sweater a little more for the extra warmth, Caitlin nodded her head as she lead the way to Wells' class, already feeling her sleepless night catching up with her. Sighing, she took another sip of her coffee and prayed she'd be able to survive the day without falling asleep in any of her classes.

 **Author's note:** Alright guys, I'm about to be on vacation so chapters may not be posted as regularly. I'll still try though. Thanks to everyone who is following this story! Means a lot.


	11. Chapter 11

"Ms. Snow, a moment if you please," Dr. Wells called to her at the end of class and Caitlin looked up at him curiously. She nodded her head and waved Barry and Cisco off, who offered to hang back and wait for her.

"I've got to go to the library anyways, I'll meet you guys for dinner," she murmured and they nodded their heads and left her alone. She waited until he was alone at his desk before making her way up to him.

"Yes, Dr. Wells?" Caitlin asked softly, wondering what it was that he wanted. He took a moment to study her and she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear nervously.

He sighed as he took off his glasses and wiped them down with a cloth he kept in his coat.

"I was just wondering if you were feeling better?" Dr. Wells asked and she smiled as she continued to ignore her hunger pains.

"Oh, yes, definitely feeling a lot better," she replied and he nodded his head.

"Good," he agreed lightly and she wondered if there was any more that he wanted to say on the matter.

"You won't be surprised to know I went and talked to the nurse after she released you," he began and Caitlin felt her heartrate spike up.

"Did you?" Caitlin questioned uneasily and he nodded his head.

"I did," he confirmed.

"And?"

"And, we talked about what could've caused you to faint like that. Her and I share the same thoughts," he murmured gently and suddenly, Caitlin didn't want to be having this conversation anymore. She fiddled with her bag strap before clearing her throat and jerking her head towards the door.

"I should get going," she muttered but he stopped her with a question.

"Are you eating, Ms. Snow?"

"Yes." Caitlin replied back defiantly and he studied her for so long she felt like she was being x-rayed. He eventually nodded his head.

"Alright. Just know that if that's something you have difficulty with, there are programs on campus that could help you, should you need it," he said softly and she swallowed around the lump that had lodged itself painfully in her throat.

"T-thank you, but I'm fine," she whispered, "I just got dizzy for whatever reason."

He left it alone after that and she all but fled his classroom and raced to the coffee shop to get a coffee before making her way to the library.

Who _were_ this people? Asking her such ridiculous questions and demanding to know whether or not she was eating. She slammed down her bag on the table in irritation and dragged out her books and spiral for Wells' class. She glanced at her watch and realized she had three hours until dinner, and planned on studying for all of them. Then a small salad followed by a bathroom visit, back to the library for eight more hours, work out, get ready, done. Again, it'd be a night filled with no sleep and lots of coffee. Smiling slightly, Caitlin flipped to the page she needed in her book and began studying, taking notes every now and then and refueling with coffee. Once her three hours were up, she smiled at the amount of progress she had made and carefully marked her page. She then headed out for the dining hall, finishing her coffee as she went.

She spotted Barry and Cisco at their usual table and smiled at them.

"Hey, sorry I'm a little late; been in the library." Caitlin greeted them. She deposited her bag and jerked her head towards the salad bar.

"I'm just going to get a plate and then meet you guys back here," she added and they nodded their heads and went back to their conversation.

Once she made it to the salad bar, she took a steadying breath before making a plate in much the same fashion as the night before. Afterwards, she headed back to their table after grabbing a glass of water. This time, they didn't look up as she sat down, still too engrossed in their conversation so it was easier to hide the food in bigger chunks. She ate a little bit of the vegetables and pushed some of the food around on her plate, waiting for the two of them to hurry up and finish. Once they were done and were getting ready to leave, Caitlin headed to the restroom. Much like it had been that morning, it took her a few tries before she expelled what little food she had in her stomach. Smiling, she left the stall and cleaned herself up before going to meet her friends.

"I suppose this is where we lose you for the night, Cait," Barry teased and she laughed.

"I suppose so," she agreed as she tightened the strap on her bag before slinging it onto her shoulder.

"Oh, what did Wells want?" Cisco asked before they parted ways and she frowned.

"To know if I was okay after yesterday," she half lied. There was no way she was going to tell them that Wells and the nurse had talked and he _actually_ asked her if she had a problem with food. What was it with everyone in her life being concerned with how much she ate?

Cisco nodded his head. "Figured as much. And, I'm glad you are."

Caitlin smiled softly at him. "Yep, good as new."

Cisco laughed as Barry smiled warmly at her.

"Don't spend _too_ long in the library tonight, you're looking a little tired," he said gently and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Barry, I'm fine," she said fondly and he laughed as he rubbed a hand on the back of his neck.

"Just, still consider taking it easy for a few days, alright? All I'm asking of you," he countered and she looked at him briefly before nodding her head.

"I will," she lied softly and damn, Caitlin _hated_ all the lying she was doing. She knew it was for the best, though. Not as many people would be breathing down her neck as if she were being honest.

Sighing, she tilted her head to the entrance of the dining hall.

"I better get going," she murmured and they nodded their heads.

"Alright, see you in the morning, Cait," Cisco said.

"Try to at least get _some_ sleep tonight," Barry added softly and she smiled as much as she could.

Yeah right. "I will."

They went their separate ways after that, with Caitlin popping into the coffee shop one last time before succumbing to another long night of studying and working out.

"Whoever said coffee isn't a food group clearly hasn't met me," she muttered to herself before laughing. She didn't have a problem. Not really. And that? That was good enough for Caitlin.


	12. Chapter 12

Caitlin managed to stay at the library for the full eight hours without falling asleep once. Smiling in pride, she made her way back to her dorm to change for her workout. She was tired, to say the least, but also incredibly proud of all of the work she had achieved. She knew she was nowhere near the level she wanted to be on but it was _progress_. Once she got back to her dorm, she opened her door cautiously and spotted Lisa lying in bed. Sighing, she moved around her room as quietly as she could, trying her best to not wake her up.

"Where have you been?" Lisa's sleepy voice filled the room. Damn.

"Library," Caitlin muttered.

"At," Lisa peered at her clock on her nightstand, "three in the morning?"

Caitlin nodded her head.

"Yes, studying for Dr. Wells' class. Go back to sleep," she murmured but Lisa flipped on her lamp and stared at her as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"You've lost weight," Lisa commented and Caitlin gritted her teeth.

"No, I really haven't," she replied back. Lisa just stared at her and Caitlin grabbed her workout clothes and tennis shoes and made her way back to their door.

"Now where are you going?" Lisa asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Gym," she mumbled.

"At this hour?" Lisa demanded and Caitlin wondered why she was suddenly interested in her life. Sighing, she nodded her head.

"Yes, I can't sleep and it usually helps me relax," she muttered and hoped she'd drop it. Luckily, she did.

"Alright, I'm going back to sleep," Lisa murmured and Caitlin could tell that her eyes were already closed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Caitlin left her dorm and went to the bathroom to get ready. Once she was finished, she stared at herself critically in the bathroom mirror. Her cheeks still looked too puffy for comfort but her collar bone was getting more defined and there was one more rib that was beginning to be exposed. Smiling slightly, she left and headed to the gym.

After her workout, Caitlin peeked at the numbers on the screen. Six hundred and thirty calories and three hundred fat calories, It was nowhere around the numbers she wanted it to be but it was progress and that was good enough for her. She stepped off the machine and stumbled, catching herself on the handle of the machine. Her heart was racing and her stomach was grumbling loudly. Sighing, she waited for it to calm down before she moved away from the machine and out of the gym.

Once she was back in her dorm, she glanced at Lisa's bed and realized the girl had fallen back into a deep sleep and wouldn't be bothering her. Smiling, Caitlin made her way around her dorm with the aid of the light from her cell phone, gathering her clothes for the shower. When she was finished, she made her way to the shower and reveled in the silence, trying to take her time so she didn't have to go back to her dorm right away. When she was sure she had stayed in there for as long as she could, she made her way back to the dorm, glancing at the time on her phone as she did so. Lisa was still sleeping so Caitlin flipped on her closet light and began getting ready. She pulled down a t-shirt and slipped it on her frame and smiled as it hung around her loosely. Then came jeans and a pair of flats. Finally, after she was ready, she grabbed her sweater and made her way out of the dorm and down to the lobby. She spotted Barry and Cisco waiting for her as usual and smiled at them.

"Again, what's with the excessive bags underneath your eyes?" Cisco greeted and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Nothing a little coffee won't cure," she murmured and Cisco sighed.

"I'm concerned about your caffeine intake," he muttered and Caitlin laughed sleepily.

"It's _fine_ , Cisco," she insisted and he wise enough to drop it.

The three made their way out of the dorm and down to the coffee shop, as was becoming tradition. Caitlin didn't really partake in the conversation, too busy focusing on keeping her eyes open. Once they were in the coffee shop, Caitlin tugged her sweater around her frame more tightly as she tried to fight off the coldness that was wrapping itself around her body.

She ordered a large coffee and, after spotting Cisco watching her, a bagel. He smiled encouragingly and Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

After they were sitting down, Caitlin took a sip of her coffee and tore off a small piece of her bagel before popping it into her mouth and chewing slowly. She tried to listen to the conversation Cisco and Barry were having but her second sleepless night was catching up with her and she was focusing on not falling asleep at the table.

"Caitlin, can you hear me?" Caitlin was pulled out of her sleepy state and blinked as she looked at Cisco. She noticed Barry was no longer with them and she frowned.

"Where did Barry go?" Caitlin asked and Cisco sighed.

"He had to leave to go talk to Dr. Wells about something; he said goodbye to you but you were so absorbed in your thoughts that you didn't hear him. Where's your head at this morning?" Cisco replied and Caitlin sighed.

"I must've just zoned out," she murmured and Cisco frowned.

"That's not like the Caitlin Snow I know," he murmured and Caitlin felt anxiety bubble up into her stomach. If she wasn't careful, she was going to end up making Cisco disappointed in her.

"Sorry," she murmured and Cisco shook his head.

"Nothing to be sorry about, I'm just concerned about you," he replied quietly and Caitlin shook her head.

"Nothing to be concerned about. I'm fine," she stated and Cisco shook his head.

"I don't think you are. You look dead on your feet and like you've lost weight at an alarming rate," he said gently.

"What the hell happened over the Christmas holidays?" Cisco asked softly and Caitlin forgot that her best friend could be really observant when he wanted to be. She frowned and shook her head.

"Nothing. Same stuff, different day. Mom breathing down my neck about how I'm not good enough, blah blah blah," Caitlin replied.

"You know you are right? Good enough, I mean," Cisco clarified and Caitlin swallowed against the lump in her throat.

"I-I can't do this," she muttered as she stood up.

"I'm going to get a refill on coffee and then can we just _go_? Caitlin begged quietly and Cisco stared at her for a long moment before nodding his head slowly.

"Alright," he replied softly.

"Thank you," Caitlin breathed out before going to get a refill. If she wasn't careful, her best friend was going to find out that she was pushing herself incredibly hard and that thought terrified her more than anything else Barry or Wells would ever be able to say or do to her.


	13. Chapter 13

Caitlin thought about Cisco's words and frowned. She _wasn't_ good enough. Never had been. She didn't know what he was playing at, telling her lies like that. Sighing, she wrapped her sweater more tightly around her and continued her walk around campus. She knew that she wasn't anywhere near being good enough; her mother was right to constantly berate her. Sighing, she ended up at the coffee shop. It was as if her feet carried her there on their own accord. She walked in and headed straight for the corner to get her coffee. Once she got her cup, her hands were shaking so much that she had to sit it back down on the counter for a moment. She watched as her hands trembled and shook and wondered if they were always going to do that. Sighing, she picked her cup back up and held it tightly in her hands, trying to ignore the fine tremors wracking inside of them.

She left the coffee shop and made her way back to the library, ready to retire for a third night. She pulled out her books and spiral before getting to work. She knew she had made a lot of progress for Dr. Wells' assignment, would probably get it turned in early. Smiling to herself, Caitlin flipped her book open to the correct page and began jotting down notes in her spiral. About an hour later she was out of coffee but had made excellent progress. She peered into her empty coffee cup while thinking about going and getting another one. It wasn't much of a question if she were being honest with herself.

As she made the trek across her campus, her mind veered towards Felicity and she wondered if her mom had ever said anything as awful as being too fat to her. She doubted it; Felicity's mom adored her. When she made it to the coffee shop, she got in line behind a few people and waited her turn patiently.

"Caitlin Snow, right?" A voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she blinked as she looked at the guy who spoke to her.

"That's right," she murmured anxiously, wondering why he was talking to her.

"Hartley. We're in Wells' class together." Hartley replied and Caitlin suddenly recognized him.

"Oh, right, you sit in the back," Caitlin replied and he nodded his head.

"You're friends with Cisco and that new guy, Barry, right?" Hartley asked and Caitlin tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"That's right," she said softly.

"You look different than you did last semester," Hartley commented and Caitlin frowned tiredly.

"I do not," she muttered and walked up to the counter to place her order.

When she was through, she moved to the side while Hartley placed his.

"Where you headed to?" Hartley asked after he was standing next to her while they waited for their orders. Caitlin wondered why he was talking to her.

"I'm headed back to the library," she said and tapped her fingers against the counter.

"Interesting, so am I," Hartley smiled lazily at her and Caitlin just nodded her head.

"Hmmm," she hummed and left the conversation there.

"Studying for Wells' class?" Hartley continued on conversationally and she sighed.

"Yep," she replied.

"Want some company? I know I'm not Cisco or Barry but you can never have too many study buddies," he said and Caitlin thought it over for a moment.

"Alright," she caved, "but know that when I study, I don't chit chat."

Hartley grinned appreciatively. "Neither do I."

Caitlin left the conversation there as their drinks where placed in front of them. Their hands accidentally brushed when she picked hers' up.

"Your hands are like ice," Hartley frowned.

"It's cold outside," Caitlin replied simply before walking off. Hartley wasn't too far behind her and they didn't exchange any words on their walk to the library.

Once there, Caitlin immersed herself back into her studies and, after a moment, Hartley followed suit.

Several hours later, Hartley snapped his book shut with a sigh.

"Well, we put in three hard hours. I think we've earned a break," he murmured but Caitlin shook her head.

"I don't have time for a break," she muttered without taking her eyes off the page she was on. She saw Hartley frown out of the corner of her eye.

"Caitlin, we just spent three hours studying nonstop and I'm sure you have already been in here for several hours before that. You need a break."

"No," Caitlin ground out through clenched teeth. Who did this guy think he was, telling her she needed a break?

He let the conversation rest there for a moment and Caitlin concentrated back on her page.

"You fainted the other day," Hartley brought up randomly and Caitlin froze before looking up at him slowly.

"And?" Caitlin prompted, unsure of where this conversation was going.

"And I know what you're doing; my cousin had the same problem that you do," Hartley stated frankly and Caitlin pinched the bridge of her nose.

"What exactly am I doing?" Caitlin muttered and Hartley tutted.

"Well, let's check the list shall we? You have lost about fifteen or twenty pounds,"

"Ten," Caitlin interrupted and Hartley laughed softly.

"Still ten pounds you didn't have to lose," he said.

"Then you fainted in Wells' class. And I've seen you in the dining hall. You don't eat. And the food that you do try to lie about eating gets disposed into your napkin. There's a name to your problem: it's called anorexia," he said quietly and Caitlin stared at him.

"Whothe _hell_ do you think you are, trying to act like you know me?" Caitlin demanded in a harsh whisper and Hartley just smiled.

"I think I'm a guy who's seen this before and wants to help you before you spiral even more out of control than you already are," he replied gently.

"I'm not out of control on anything, I'm just on a diet," Caitlin snapped.

"Being on a diet and starving yourself are two different things," Hartley stated and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Let's say you're right, let's say for argument's sake I _am_ anorexic; how do you even know about this stuff?" Caitlin demanded.

"One, my cousin dealt with it when she was younger. Two, my boyfriend is studying to be an eating disorder therapist; I've picked up things from him," Hartley replied softly.

"Well as great as I think your boyfriend is for wanting to help people, I don't have that problem. I'm just a light eater," Caitlin said nonchalantly as she closed her book. She glanced at her watch. Six in the evening. She had to go or she'd be stuck having this conversation with this guy even longer than she already had.

"I have to go," she stated as she stood up and put her sweater back on. It slipped loosely off her shoulders and she tugged it back in place. Hartley stared at her for a moment before nodding his head.

"If you think you ever want to talk to anyone about your "non-problem", my boyfriend, Charles, knows some good therapists on campus. Just don't let it get so out of control that you end up in treatment or something," Hartley advised and Caitlin snorted. This guy definitely had a flare for the dramatics.

"Will do," she muttered and slung her bag over her shoulder. Hartley stood up after her and placed his hand on her shoulder, locking her in place.

"I also had Charles pick this up from the community guidance center," he murmured and handed her a pamphlet. On closer inspection it had a national eating disorder crisis line and tips on how to seek help for any eating disorder.

"I don't need this," Caitlin said and tried to hand it back to him but Hartley stilled her hand and pushed it firmly back into hers'.

"Just in case you ever do," he murmured and she nodded, too tired to deal with this.

"Thanks," she muttered and he smiled.

"See you in class, Caitlin. Remember, come to me if you need me to talk to Charles for you," he said before walking off. Caitlin watched his retreating form with a frown before looking at the pamphlet in her hand.

She did _not_ have an eating disorder and she was getting really tired of everyone asking her about it. Sighing, she slipped the pamphlet into her bag before walking off to her dorm, dinner be damned. She wasn't in the mood to have Cisco and Barry make sure she ate some small, stupid salad anyways.

 **Author's note:** I wanted to bring Hartley into the story because Caitlin needs an outside opinion. Hope you enjoy.


	14. Chapter 14

There was a soft knocking on Caitlin's door that made her look up.

"Cait, are you in there?" Barry's voice called through and she blinked. What was he doing here? She stood up out of her desk chair and made her way to her door. Her limbs felt weak and shaky and it left a smile on her face. Sighing, she opened the door and peered at Barry tiredly.

"Hello, Barry," Caitlin murmured and walked out of her room and into the hallway.

"We got worried when we didn't see you at dinner," Barry frowned but Caitlin just shrugged a shoulder.

"I'm not feeling too well and thought I'd get any early night," she replied softly and Barry studied her for a moment.

"Well, I can't force you to eat if you don't want to," he muttered and Caitlin nodded her head. Damn right he couldn't.

"Thanks," Caitlin said gratefully and Barry's frown became more pronounced. Instead of asking about it, she shook her head.

"Well, now that you know I'm alright, don't let me keep you," she said and jerked her head towards the stairs that led to the entrance of the dorm building. Barry rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"I was kind of wondering if we could maybe talk over a cup of coffee." Barry replied hopefully and Caitlin didn't have to be asked twice. She nodded her head.

"Sure, just let me get my sweater," she murmured and ducked back into her dorm. She pulled her sweater off the back of her chair and slipped it onto her frame before siding her flats on. Once she was ready, she popped a piece of gum into her mouth and headed back out of her room.

"Is Cisco joining us?" Caitlin asked as she led the way down the stairs and to her dorm lobby.

"Not this time," Barry murmured and there was something sitting underneath his tone that she couldn't quite figure out. Nodding her head, she made the journey to the coffee shop in silence, not having the energy to keep a conversation going. Luckily, Barry seemed to be too absorbed in thoughts to want to talk either. Once they made it into the coffee shop, they headed up the counter where Caitlin ordered a large coffee and waited for Barry to make his order, too. There was no way he was going to order her a cookie this time. Once he placed his order, they moved to the side and waited for their coffee. It wasn't too long before they were sitting down at a table tucked into the corner of the shop. Caitlin sipped her coffee before popping another piece of gum into her mouth. It gave her the opportunity to chew on _something_ , and that was good enough for her. She glanced up and saw Barry watching her.

"What?" Caitlin asked as she tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ear nervously.

"Is that a nervous tick you have?" Barry asked quietly and she blinked.

"Is what a nervous tick?" Caitlin questioned.

"You always tuck your hair behind your ear when you seem uncomfortable about something," Barry clarified and Caitlin wondered just how much he had been paying attention to her.

"I-I don't know. It's just something I do," she mumbled and Barry dropped the subject. She took another sip of her coffee as she waited for him to collect his thoughts on whatever it was that he wanted to talk to her about.

"How much sleep are you getting, Cait?" Barry asked quietly and wow, where did that question come from?

"What?" Caitlin asked.

"How much sleep are you getting?" Barry repeated and Caitlin frowned.

"Well, I usually leave the library around ten or so and then head back to my dorm," she replied uncertainly, wondering why he was asking this.

"I don't think you're being honest," Barry replied and he was always so gentle with her.

"I'm not following your thought," Caitlin mumbled, heart beating harshly out of her chest.

"Your roommate…Lisa? She came up to Cisco and myself today and told us that you usually don't get back from the library until around three and that's only long enough to grab workout clothes before going to the gym," Barry murmured and Caitlin felt her heart stop. Lisa had _told_ on her? What the hell did she care about what Caitlin did with her time? The two girls had never been friends before.

"That was one time," Caitlin lied but Barry shook his head.

"We're friends Caitlin, so please stop lying to me," he said quietly and Caitlin bit her lip.

"Lisa said you've been doing that for the past four nights and you've had bags underneath your eyes since the second day of classes. We're in our second week." Barry stated and Caitlin knew she had been caught.

"Fine, I'm not sleeping," Caitlin muttered, unhappy that the truth had been exposed. Barry stared at her for an immeasurable amount of time before nodding his head slowly.

"Skipping meals, fainting, working out after being in the library all night, and not sleeping? Cait, I think you have a problem," Barry said gently and Caitlin blinked back her tears.

"I do not have a problem, Barry. I wish everyone would stop saying that," Caitlin whispered.

"We're just worried about you," Barry replied softly.

"Barry, you've known me for two weeks. Why do you even care about this?" Caitlin asked and Barry shrugged a shoulder.

"There's something about you, Cait," he murmured and Caitlin blinked at him.

"W-what?" Caitlin whispered and Barry smiled slightly.

"There's something that I like about you," he repeated. "I don't know if it's your passion about science, or your dedication to your studies, or your fierce determination; it might be all three. There's just _something_ that draws me to you. And I want to help you, if you'll let me."

Caitlin stared at him before exhaling slowly.

"Nothing to help with," she smiled and took a sip of her coffee, wishing they were having any other conversation but this. Barry looked her square in the eye before shrugging.

"Maybe you have to hit rock bottom before you'll accept help and that's fine. But Caitlin? If you lose too much more weight, I will make sure you get help," he promised softly.

Caitlin felt like she had got the wind knocked out of her as she stared at him. Did he just threaten her? She played with her sleeve of her sweater as she dropped eye contact. They sat there for several minutes in silence before Barry cleared his throat.

"Think you can eat something now?" Barry asked.

"No," Caitlin replied stubbornly and Barry sighed.

"You have to eat _something_ , Caitlin, you're killing yourself," he said.

"It's my life, Barry, I can do whatever I want. Plus, my mother wouldn't be too sad about that," she snapped and why the hell did she have to drag her mother into this?

Sighing, she took a sip of coffee to avoid the conversation altogether.

"Tell me about your mother?' Barry asked softly and Caitlin shrugged her shoulder.

"Not much to say. Wishes she had a different daughter," Caitlin mumbled. Barry hesitantly placed his hand over her cold one and she felt it warm up. She looked at their hands before looking at him. There was nothing but gentleness in his eyes.

"What did she _say_ to you?" Barry whispered and Caitlin felt her heart clench.

"Nothing unmanageable," Caitlin replied.

"Clearly something unmanageable if it's caused you to stop eating," Barry murmured and Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut. She felt exposed and vulnerable, on display for the world to see. She drew her hand back towards her and tightened her sweater around her, trying to shield herself from his prying eyes.

"Barry, I really can't do this right now," she muttered as she stood up, grabbing her coffee.

"I'll see you around," she added but he stood up to, stopping her.

"Please, just think about talking to someone, alright? I get if that can't be Cisco or myself. Maybe Wells?" Barry asked but Caitlin shook her head, horrified at the thought.

"I can't talk to Wells! Do you know how much he relies on me? I can't disappoint him. I can't disappoint _anyone_. I _have_ to be good enough," Caitlin exclaimed and Barry hesitated for only a moment before pulling her into his arms.

"Your mother really did a number on you but I promise you, I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this. Just let me help you," he murmured and Caitlin sighed before nodding her head.

"Alright," she agreed, knowing maybe things were beginning to spin out of her control.


	15. Chapter 15

Barry and Caitlin stayed in the coffee shop until it closed, watching as other students came in and then trickled out. Caitlin finished her coffee and was just about to get a refill so she could go to the library and study when Barry stilled her hand.

"Maybe one night of sleep wouldn't hurt you, Cait," Barry murmured and Caitlin was torn. She had just promised Barry she'd accept his help but still wanted to study. Biting her lip, she came up with a proposition.

"How about I only spend a couple of hours at the library and then leave?" Caitlin asked

"And?" Barry prompted.

And, I'll skip the gym and go straight to bed," Caitlin sighed and Barry nodded his head, pleased.

"Good, let's go," he agreed and stood up.

"You're coming with me?" Caitlin frowned and Barry just smiled.

"Of course I am, want to make sure you actually stick to your promise and then get safely back to your dorm," he murmured and Caitlin sighed before standing up.

"Let's go then," she muttered and went to go refill her coffee before heading out. They walked to the library in silence, with their fingers brushing every so often. Caitlin fought to keep the smile off her face whenever that happened.

Caitlin realized once they were at the library she didn't have any of her stuff with her and sighed.

"Looks like I'll have to use one of the computers the library has," Caitlin grimaced and Barry chuckled.

"How will you ever go on?" Barry mocked and Caitlin swatted his shoulder playfully.

"You hush, Barry Allen," she chided and Barry grabbed her hand before interlocking their fingers together. Caitlin glanced down at them before looking up at Barry who was looking at her.

"Is this alright?" Barry asked gently and Caitlin took a deep breath before nodding her head with a smile.

"It's fine," she murmured and Barry rubbed soothing circles against the back of her hand with his thumb. Once they made it to the computers, Barry untangled their fingers as she sat down but placed his hand against her lower back and she smiled softly as she began to work on the assignment from Wells that she had emailed to herself. True to form, she stopped after two hours and stretched before turning to look at him with a grin.

"My time is up," she said softly and saved her work before shutting down the computer.

"Thanks for keeping your promise, I was afraid I was going to have to drag you away from the computer," Barry joked and Caitlin laughed.

"Not this time, Mr. Allen," she replied gently and he smiled softly at her as they stood up. He held her hand again as they made their way out of the library and walked at a leisurely pace back to her dorm. It was about half way there that Caitlin felt light headed and had to stop.

"Cait, are you okay?" Barry asked in concern and she nodded her head.

"Just got dizzy, nothing new," she muttered and tried to get the lightheadedness to pass. She saw Barry frown out of the corner of her eye and ease her into a sitting position on the ground.

"I brought something in case this happened. You don't have to eat all of it, just a few bites, sweetheart," he murmured and Caitlin blinked at him as he pulled a sandwich out of his bag and held it in front of her. She stared at it for a long moment before shaking her head.

"Too much," she mumbled and Barry nodded his head.

"Alright," he soothed as he tore the sandwich in half and then offered it to her once again. She stared at it.

"Just a few bites, sweetheart; just enough to help you stop being dizzy," he promised and Caitlin nodded slowly before picking up the sandwich half he was offering her with shaking fingers, She stared at it before taking a small bite and chewed it slowly. She repeated the process for three bites before looking at him.

"All I can eat," she muttered and he nodded before handing her a bottle of water which she drank from eagerly.

"Good job," Barry praised as he went and tossed the remaining sandwich in a nearby trashcan before walking back to where she was still seated on the ground.

"Think you can walk back to your dorm now?" Barry asked softly and she nodded her head.

"Just help me up, please?" Caitlin asked and he nodded his head before lending her a hand to help pull herself up with. Once she was standing up again, she sent him a smile.

"Thank you," she murmured and Barry smiled back before taking her hand again.

"Let's go," he said softly and they continued on with their walk back to her dorm. Once they were outside of it, they looked at each other.

"This is where I leave you. Can I trust you when you say you're going to go to sleep and not the gym?" Barry asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Yes, but I don't feel like going to bed yet. Do you…do you maybe want to stay and talk?" Caitlin asked quietly and Barry nodded his head.

"Of course, Cait," he murmured and so that's how the two found themselves sitting in her dorm lobby, talking.

"So, want to talk a little bit more about your mother?" Barry asked gently once the conversation hit a lull. Caitlin studied him for a brief moment before nodding her head.

"My mother has always been….very hard on me. Unnaturally hard." Caitlin said and Barry waited for her to carry on.

"When I went home over the Christmas holidays, she started drilling into me the importance of having a good body; she said it'd help me meet a guy faster," Caitlin said quietly and Barry frowned.

"That's horrible," he whispered and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"That's my mother," Caitlin chuckled humorlessly before ploughing on.

"I don't know, normally her comments don't get to me but this one did. I thought that if I could lose weight, it'd maker her appreciate me more," Caitlin muttered and Barry squeezed her hand.

"Only seemed to hurt me," she added with a sigh.

"Cait, I'm so sorry that your mother doesn't appreciate you but that doesn't mean that everyone else in your life doesn't either," Barry said gently and Caitlin looked at him.

"I know for a fact that Wells, Cisco, and myself have all come to love and adore the nerdy scientist that you are," he teased and Caitlin let out a watery chuckle.

"You can't keep killing yourself," he murmured and Caitlin nodded her head. She knew that. She _knew_ that. It still didn't make her want to stop.

"I know," she breathed out. She glanced at her watch and realized it was one in the morning. Sighing, she stood up.

"I think this is where we part ways for the night," she murmured and Barry followed suit.

"I think you're right," he agreed quietly. He hesitated, torn about something, before brushing his lips against hers' softly. This was very different from any kiss her and Ronnie had ever shared and she smiled when they pulled apart.

"Goodnight, Cait," Barry whispered against her lips.

"Goodnight, Barry."


	16. Chapter 16

Caitlin went to bed with a smile on her face that night, after setting her alarm to her normal time of six am. She knew she couldn't break her promise to Barry about working out, not when he seemed so genuinely proud of her. Sighing, she slipped into a peaceful sleep, ignoring the constant hunger pains. When she woke up the next morning, she was still smiling. Glancing to her right, she spotted Lisa's bed empty and figured she was either in the shower or had gone to meet her boyfriend. Sighing quietly, Caitlin got out of bed and walked towards her closet, hesitating only for a moment before pulling down her scale.

Once she was standing on it, Caitlin peeked cautiously at the numbers before letting a wide smile take over her face. 100 pounds. She had lost fifteen pounds. She knew she _shouldn't_ be happy about that, knew that Barry and Cisco wouldn't be happy but she couldn't help it; she was proud of herself. Stepping off the scale, she lifted it back up onto her top shelf and made her way to the shower after getting all of her stuff. Since she had a little extra time to spare, Caitlin took a bit longer in the shower before finally toweling off and stepping out. She didn't hang around too long in the bathroom and made her way back down to her dorm. After analyzing her body in the mirror for a full ten minutes, she slipped on a pair of jeans and t-shirt, followed by her flats and sweater. Once she was ready, she popped a piece of gum in her mouth and left.

As usual, Barry and Cisco were waiting for her when she made her way down into the lobby. Caitlin hesitated for a moment, not sure what the protocol was now that she had kissed Barry. She looked at him shyly but he seemed sure of himself as he walked towards her and kissed her softly.

"Finally!" Cisco shouted and they pulled apart, confusion mirroring their faces.

"What?" Caitlin asked.

"I've been waiting for you two to get together since basically the first day you guys met," Cisco said excitedly as he fist pumped the air. Caitlin felt her cheeks grow warm as she glanced at Barry who looked far too amused with the situation.

"Cisco, you're a nerd," Barry laughed before interlocking his fingers with Caitlin's and smiled warmly at her.

"Breakfast?" Barry asked gently and she hesitated for a moment before nodding her head. She _did_ say she'd try to eat more.

"Breakfast," she agreed. She caught Cisco staring at her and looked at him.

"What?" Caitlin asked softly.

"Nothing. You just look really small, Cait," Cisco murmured worriedly and she frowned as she glanced down at her body. She _didn't_ feel small; she felt huge. Glancing up when Barry kissed the side of her head, she smiled.

"Nothing to worry about," Caitlin promised softly and Cisco looked like he wanted to say more but Barry shook his head slightly and he dropped it. Caitlin breathed a sigh of relief as she felt Barry rub soothing circles against the back her hand. He led the way out of the dorm block and the three of them made their way to dining hall. Once there, Cisco left them to go his favorite section and Caitlin got ready to go to hers'. Barry held onto her hand as he followed her to the fruit bar. She stopped just shy of it when she felt him tug on her fingers.

"Sweetheart, I'm not saying you have to eat a five course meal but do you think you can try to eat more than three pieces of fruit this time?" Barry asked softly and Caitlin studied the fruit bar for a moment before nodding her head slowly.

"I'll try," she breathed out and he smiled encouragingly before letting go of her hand. She walked up to the bar and grabbed a plate before staring at her options. She grabbed a banana, a few strawberries, and a handful of grapes before turning to look at Barry with the plate held out in front of her. He looked it over carefully before nodding his head.

"It's a good start," he said approvingly and she smiled slightly before going to grab a cup of coffee. Once done, they made their way to a table once Barry had gotten his own plate. They met Cisco just as they were sitting down. Caitlin took a long sip of her coffee before starting to slowly eat her fruit. She alternated between picking little pieces to nibble at and drinking her coffee. Every so often she caught Barry glancing down at her plate and smiling slightly at the slow progress she was making. When she had eaten half of the plate, she pushed it back and smiled.

"Done," she murmured and Barry looked at her plate before smiling softly.

"I'll take half of that plate of food being gone over none of it," he said and Caitlin nodded her head as she drummed her fingers against the table. She was impatient to expel it from her system. She took a drink of coffee before glancing at her watch. They had about ten minutes before they needed to leave and she stood up.

"I'll be right back, I just have to use the restroom," she murmured and Barry nodded his head as he went back to his conversation with Cisco.

She walked briskly to the restroom and, after making sure no one else was in there, locked herself quickly in a stall and pushed her finger down her throat. It took her a few attempts but soon enough all of the contents in her stomach came tumbling out. After washing out her mouth and washing her hands, she exited the bathroom and made her way back to the table where Cisco and Barry were waiting for her.

"Ready," she smiled as she picked up her coffee.

They left without any other stops on their way to class and Caitlin grinned, feeling sneaky and proud of herself.

 **Author's note:** Just a short one since I have a lot of stuff to do tonight. I'm going to try and write another chapter for the AOSIL and post that as well. Hope you like it! Also, if there's anything you want to see, remember to leave it in the comments and I'll see if I can incorporate it into the story. I have a rough idea of what I want to happen in this story and the amount of angst vs happiness I want to add in. XOXO


	17. Chapter 17

Caitlin was happy to reach the weekend after a long week of classes and studying. She was beyond exhausted and wanted nothing more than to curl up with a good cup of coffee and a good book and to forget who she was for a while. So, that's exactly what she did starting Friday afternoon. She sent Barry and Cisco a text, stating that if they needed her she was locking herself in her room for the weekend, only coming out for coffee and food here and there. They were wise enough to leave her be. Barry checked In with her periodically to remind her to eat and she did on occasion. She'd mainly fill up on coffee though, not really needing the food at the moment. She figured the few bites of food she had eaten over the week were enough to keep her going until Monday morning where she would have no choice but to eat something since Barry was going to be with her. It also helped that Barry had decided to go home and visit his parents for the weekend.

Sighing happily, she turned a page just as her door opened. Looking up, she spotted Lisa walking in and resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. She still hadn't forgiven her roommate for meddling in things that didn't concern her.

"Hey, Caitlin," Lisa said softly and Caitlin nodded her head in acknowledgement of the greeting but didn't say hello back.

Lisa hesitated, clearly wanting to say something but Caitlin still didn't look up. If she wanted to speak her mind, Caitlin wasn't going to get the conversation started for her.

"So," Lisa began after a moment and Caitlin paused the turning of her page.

"I'm assuming you know I spoke with your friends, Barry and Cisco?" Lisa carried on quietly and Caitlin nodded her head curtly.

"I do," she replied in a clipped tone.

"I'm sorry," Lisa murmured and Caitlin could hear the regret burning her tone. She sighed.

"Why'd you feel like that was necessary, Lisa? _We_ don't even talk, so why go to my friends behind my back?" Caitlin asked.

Lisa sighed. "I was concerned about you. You weren't sleeping, had lost weight, and were going to the gym at random hours of the morning,"

It was Caitlin's turn to sigh.

"All of those things were my choice and not any of your concern, Lisa," Caitlin stated and she wondered if she was being too hard on her.

"No, I get that, I do. I just didn't know if you realized you are going down a dangerous path," Lisa said softly and Caitlin finally lifted her eyes from her book and onto Lisa's face.

"A _dangerous_ path?" Caitlin snorted. "There's nothing dangerous about a diet!"

Lisa shook her head sadly. "It's more than a diet, though, isn't it?"

Caitlin was rendered speechless as she stared at her. Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Why do you even _care_ , Lisa? You and I have never even talked and then the one time you could talk to me about something, you turn to my friends. What's up with that?" Caitlin exclaimed and Lisa had the decency to look ashamed of herself. Good. She should.

"I know I should've talked to you about it, I just didn't know if you'd listen to my worries," she said quietly and Caitlin frowned.

"You were worried?" Caitlin asked softly and Lisa nodded.

"Incredibly so. I know what a strict diet can turn into," she murmured and Caitlin bit her lip, wondering if Lisa had been through something similar when it came to diets.

"I'm sorry," Caitlin said gently and she was. She knew that it didn't matter if she ate or not but she didn't want to see other people not eat; even if it was people she didn't particularly like.

Lisa studied her for a moment before nodding her head.

"Just…be careful, okay? Don't take food for granted," Lisa said and Caitlin nodded her head in return.

"I won't," she replied. The conversation was left there as Lisa packed a bag.

"Going back to your boyfriend's?" Caitlin asked hesitantly, wondering if she and Lisa had the potential to be friends.

"There's a party tonight at his friend's frat house. I'd ask if you want to go but I know those really aren't your cup of tea," Lisa replied and Caitlin thought about it.

"Well, maybe one party can't hurt," Caitlin said uncertainly and Lisa raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?" Lisa smiled.

"Yeah," Caitlin smiled back.

That was how Caitlin found herself at a party three hours later, with Lisa and her boyfriend.

"Look, these things can get a bit overwhelming but just find a quiet corner to go to if you get anxious. Also, there's drinks in the fridge if alcohol isn't your main choice," Lisa said and Caitlin nodded her head. Then Lisa walked off with her boyfriend to some other part of the house and Caitlin was alone.

Caitlin sucked in a wavering breath, trying to combat her anxiety. Her mother _had_ wanted her to go to a party and she thought she should at least try and do something her mother wanted her to do, besides lose weight.

Caitlin walked towards the kitchen and went straight for the fridge where she pulled out a bottle of water and took a sip. It felt nice and cool against her throat. Sighing, she placed herself against the counter and watched as people came walking in and out of the kitchen.

She stayed for as long as she could, growing increasingly bored of the drunken shouts echoing around the house. Once her water was finished, she tossed the bottle, tightened her sweater around her and made her way to the front door. Just as she was about to open it, an arm flung out, blocking her exit. Blinking, she looked around, startled.

"Where you headed to, gorgeous?" Some guy smirked at her and Caitlin felt her heart thump unevenly against her ribcage.

"Home, I'm tired," she said as calmly as she could but the guy crowded in on her space.

"C'mon, the party is just getting started," he said and she could smell the alcohol on him. She shook her head and tried to walk around him but he had her truly blocked.

"I'm tired," she said but he merely grabbed her arm and squeezed, smirking all the while.

"Come on, it's barely eleven," he whispered against her ear and Caitlin trembled.

"Jeff, leave her alone," a voice called out and both Jeff and Caitlin looked up to see Lisa and her boyfriend standing behind them; Lisa with a dark look crossing her features.

Jeff dropped her arm and Caitlin rubbed at the marks that wrapped around her wrist.

"Seriously, Jeff, go sleep it off," Lisa snapped as she walked up to them and placed herself between the two of them.

Jeff muttered under his breath as he stalked off and Caitlin exhaled slowly.

"Caitlin, are you okay?" Lisa asked quietly and she swallowed around the painful lump that had lodged itself in her throat as she nodded.

"I'm fine," she mumbled. Lisa placed her hand on her shoulder and rubbed it soothingly.

"C'mon, let's get you back to the dorm," she murmured and Caitlin nodded her head. That sounded like a good idea. She wasn't even sure _why_ she left the dorm in the first place. Wrapping her sweater more tightly around her, she held her arm tightly to her chest as Lisa navigated their way out.

"Expect a call from Barry later," Lisa said quietly as they walked back to their dorm.

"Barry? What does he have to do with this?" Caitlin asked in confusion.

"We may have exchanged numbers when I told him about your gym obsession. He wanted to be able to reach me if he needed to. So I texted him when we decided to go to the party and then when I lost you and then again when I found you, being harassed by Jeff. So, expect a phone call tonight," Lisa replied.

Caitlin nodded her head. She knew Barry was going to be less than thrilled and sighed. It was going to be a long night.


	18. Chapter 18

Caitlin and Lisa made it back to the dorm just around the time Caitlin's cell phone started ringing. Glancing down, she smiled half a smile.

"That's Barry," she murmured and Lisa nodded her head.

"I'll give you some privacy," she said before walking out of the room. Caitlin closed the door behind her and locked it before walking to her bed and sitting down. She answered her phone.

"Hello, Barry," she murmured and she couldn't quite explain the butterflies that danced around in her belly as she said his name.

"Are you okay, Cait?" Barry demanded and Caitlin nodded her head before realizing he couldn't see her.

"I'm fine," she promised softly.

"Can you let me inside your dorm block, it's freezing out here," Barry said and Caitlin blinked, confused.

"You're on campus? I thought you went to visit your family?" Caitlin asked as she stood up and left her room and made her way down to the lobby.

"Well, I _may_ have decided to come home a day early after hearing about what happened," Barry muttered and Caitlin frowned.

"Barry, it's important for you to see your parents," she chastised as she spotted him standing outside of the building. She rolled her eyes as she clicked off the phone and let him in.

"Yeah, well, I needed to see for myself that you were okay after some creep wouldn't leave you alone," Barry murmured as he pulled her into a hug. Caitlin laughed slightly as she hugged him back.

"I'm alright," she promised but Barry shook his head.

"Let me see your arm, baby," he murmured gently and Caitlin frowned.

"My arm?" Caitlin asked in confusion.

"Yes, Lisa said that guy had a pretty tight grip on you and I wanted to see if he left marks," Barry replied in a gentle voice and Caitlin wondered if he was just a gentle person or if he was solely that way because of her. Nodding her head with a sigh, she pushed her sweater sleeve up to her elbow and showed him the exposed skin.

Barry hissed at the finger like bruise wrapping itself around her arm.

"How dare him," Barry ground out through clenched teeth while he rubbed his thumb soothingly over the bruise. Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"It'll fade," she replied softly and Barry looked like it was taking him a lot of effort to stay calm. He sighed before placing his lips against her forehead and holding them there for a few moments.

"What made you even want to go to a frat party, sweetheart? That's not your idea of a fun Saturday night," he said softly and Caitlin nodded her head.

"No, you're right. I just thought I'd try something new," she replied and Barry looked at her funny.

"Your idea of trying something new is going to a party where the main drink of choice is stale beer?" Barry laughed and Caitlin laughed, too.

"It does seem kind of silly when you put it that way," she chuckled and Barry smiled warmly.

"You're a mess, Caitlin Snow," he teased and Caitlin swatted his shoulder.

"Oh, quiet, you," she laughed and Barry caught her hand and interlocked their fingers.

"Did you happen to get the jerk's name who did that to you?" Barry asked softly a moment later.

"Lisa called him Jeff, but that's all I can tell you. I didn't get a last name," Caitlin muttered and Barry nodded his head.

"I know a Jeff from a fraternity; I'm sure it's him," Barry said.

"And what, exactly, do you plan on doing?" Caitlin questioned and Barry shrugged a shoulder.

"Nothing. Just give him a friendly reminder to not manhandle a woman again," Barry grinned and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

"I think we're both messes, Barry Allen," she repeated his words back to him and he smiled.

"I can handle that," he murmured.

The two fell into comfortable silence for a little bit, each absorbed in their own thoughts. It was only when Barry's stomach rumbled did Caitlin pull herself back to the present moment.

"Time for a midnight snack," Caitlin stated.

"For the both of us?" Barry asked hopefully and she hesitated. She hadn't eaten since dinner Thursday night. She knew Barry would start to get worried if she went back to skipping meals all the time. She exhaled before nodding her head slowly.

"Just a small one," she confirmed and Barry squeezed her fingers gently.

"I can live with that," he murmured.

"Can we go to the coffee shop?" Caitlin asked and Barry laughed quietly.

"Of course, coffee addict," he replied fondly and led the way out of her building, all the while holding her hand.

Catlin burrowed herself further into her sweater against the winter night and smiled as she watched her breathe come out in frosty puffs.

She let her mind wander as they walked, getting lost in the fact that she maybe had a boyfriend and how that realization didn't scare her at all. She cleared her throat softly.

"Barry...what are we?" Caitlin asked as she looked pointedly at their hands. She caught Barry smiling out of the corner of her eye when she looked back up.

"I'd like for us to be in a steady relationship, Cait," he murmured and Caitlin felt her heart soar. She tried to keep her smile from taking over her whole face.

"I'd like that, too," she hummed and was surprised that her anxiety was nonexistent in that moment.

Barry squeezed her fingers as he returned her smile. "Good."

They left the conversation there as they walked into the shop and ordered their coffee and a scone to share, something Caitlin was rather happy about considering she wasn't forced to eat a whole one by herself.

When they sat down, Caitlin took a sip of her coffee to warm herself up before tearing off a small piece of the scone and chewing on it.

"Hey, Cait?" Barry asked hesitantly.

"Hmmm?"

"Can I ask you something?" Barry carried on softly and she blinked at the gentle tone he used. She nodded her head.

"Sure," she replied.

"Have you always had anxiety?" Barry asked quietly and she thought about his question for a moment before nodding her head.

"For as long as I can remember," Caitlin said softly.

"Have…have you ever thought about talking to anyone? About your anxiety or eating disorder?" Barry asked and she sighed.

"Cisco and Licity, a friend from home, have always encouraged me to speak to a therapist about my anxiety. As for the eating disorder, you have to have one of those in order to talk about it," she replied with a shrug and Barry frowned.

"Still in denial, sweetheart?" Barry asked.

"Maybe," Caitlin hummed and that part of the conversation was dropped.

"My dad has anxiety," Barry carried on and Caitlin stared at him.

"He sees a therapist for it and says it's one of the best decisions he ever made," Barry added and Caitlin thought it over.

"I don't know if it's me not wanting to see a therapist as much as it's my mother not wanting me to see one," she breathed out and Barry rubbed his thumb along her knuckles comfortingly.

"And why don't you say to hell with what your mother wants and do something for yourself, baby?" Barry asked gently and Caitlin laughed humorlessly.

"If only it were that easy," she mused.

"Sometimes it is," Barry said softly and Caitlin wanted to cry at how gently he was speaking to her. No one had ever been that gentle with her; they had expected too much out of her.

"I can't disappoint my mom, Barry," Caitlin whispered as she blinked back the moisture that had gathered in the corner of her eyes. Barry studied her for a long moment before nodding his head.

"Well, if you ever _do_ decide to talk to someone about either of those things, know I wouldn't be disappointed in you," he murmured and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

"Thanks, Barry," she replied softly. He dipped his head in her direction with a soft smile before falling into a comfortable silence as they finished their drinks.


	19. Chapter 19

Caitlin and Barry stayed in the coffee shop for a couple of hours before deciding to call it a night. Barry walked her back to her dorm, proving himself to be the gentleman she thought he was. They stopped when they were outside of her dorm lobby and looked at each other. Caitlin smiled shyly at him and he traced his thumb across her upper lip before leaning in slowly and kissing her. She felt that kiss in her toes and it sent bolts of electricity through her body. She hummed happily when he pulled back.

"Have a good night, sweetheart," Barry murmured before brushing his lips across hers' once more. She leaned into the kiss eagerly and sighed contentedly when he placed his lips at the corner of her mouth, then her cheek, and finally her forehead.

"Goodnight," he said softly.

"Goodnight," Caitlin replied back equally as soft.

She let herself into her dorm lobby once he had walked off and made her way up to her dorm. Lisa's bed was empty and she figured she was still either at the party or had crashed at her boyfriend's place. Hesitating for only a moment, she walked to her closet and pulled out her scale. She wanted to know how much she weighed since eating that scone. Once the numbers settled she peeked down and smiled triumphantly. 99. She had gone lower than the 100 mark. Smiling happily, she placed her scale back up on the shelf and made her way down to the bathroom where she planned on expelling the scone. She did so after a couple of attempts.

Once she was done, she made her way back to her room and slipped on a pair of pajama pants that slipped down her waist and a shirt before going to study her reflection in the mirror. Her collar bone was definitely more pronounced and she had one more rib showing, rounding the number off to four. Her hip bones were also protruding out and that made her content. Smiling happily, she crawled into bed and let sleep overcome her.

The next morning, Caitlin woke up from her phone alerting her with a new text. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table and frowned. Who'd be texting her at seven in the morning?

 _Care for breakfast, Cait –Cisco_

Caitlin read the text through two more times before sighing. She knew that this was inevitable; Cisco would of course want to make sure she was eating. She quickly typed out a response to him.

 _Sure, meet you at the coffee shop in thirty –Caitlin_

She laid in bed for another five minutes before getting out. She got ready and realized that she'd need to buy a belt; that realization left her incredibly happy.

Once she was content with the way she looked, she put on a sweater and made her way out of her room and down to the lobby before remembering she said she'd just meet Cisco at the shop, so she passed straight through the lobby and out of her building altogether. She shivered against the cool morning and burrowed even further into her sweater as she made her way across campus.

When she arrived at the coffee shop, she headed in and spotted Cisco sitting at the table they usually sat at. She smiled at him before jerking her head to the counter, indicating that she was going to get some coffee first. He nodded his head with a fond eye roll and she laughed. After she had ordered her coffee and a bagel, to please Cisco, she went and sat down at their table he had secured. Smiling at him, she took a sip of her coffee and instantly felt it warm her up. She tried to ignore the tremors in her hand.

"So what's with breakfast at the crack of dawn?" Caitlin inquired and Cisco chuckled.

"I was just up and figured you'd be either awake too or waking up," he replied and Caitlin nodded her head.

"You're right; I was waking up too. And I'll never say no to coffee," she replied with a laugh and Cisco rolled his eyes.

"I'm seriously concerned about your unhealthy obsession with coffee," he deadpanned.

"Could be worse," Caitlin said flatly.

"Too true."

Caitlin left the conversation there as she took another sip of her coffee. Cisco looked like he wanted to say something and, thinking she knew what it was, didn't want to encourage him to speak his mind any faster, so just waited.

"Look, Cait, there's a reason I asked you to breakfast so early," Cisco began and Caitlin looked at him.

"A reason besides my glorious company?" Caitlin asked and Cisco laughed.

"Yes, smart ass," he replied and Caitlin sighed dramatically.

"For shame, how will I ever go on?" Caitlin asked and Cisco just shook his head amusedly.

"You'll survive," he stated.

"Maybe," Caitlin said dryly.

"In all seriousness, I wanted to talk about your weight loss," Cisco said once he stopped laughing and the mood instantly shifted from light hearted to serious in a matter of seconds.

"Why?" Caitlin demanded and Cisco shrugged his shoulder.

"You look like a stick, Cait," Cisco muttered and Caitlin frowned. No she didn't, she looked like a house.

"You're wrong," Caitlin whispered. She didn't know what Cisco was playing at, telling her such vicious lies.

"I think you need help, Caitlin," Cisco said softly and wow, he didn't beat around the bush.

"You don't know what you're talking about," Caitlin said through gritted teeth.

"I don't want to see you dead," Cisco continued to push and Caitlin felt herself starting to lose her cool.

"Cisco, please stop talking," Caitlin begged but he was adamant.

"You know you're walking a very dangerous path, right? You could end up dead if you're not careful," Cisco said quietly.

"Well, my mom wouldn't care about that, would she?" Caitlin snapped. She felt her eyes grow wide at her mistake and took a sip of coffee to calm herself down.

"This is because of your mother?" Cisco asked and there was fury coloring his tone.

"It doesn't matter," Caitlin mumbled but Cisco shook his head.

"Oh, yes it does," he countered and Caitlin sighed.

"If you're on an extreme diet because of your dear mother, I have a few words for her," Cisco said and Caitlin knew he was serious.

"Look, can we just drop it?" Caitlin begged and Cisco winced at her tone. He studied her for a long moment before nodding his head.

"We can drop it _only_ if you agree to see the therapist on campus," he said and his tone left no room for argument. Knowing it was the best offer she was going to get, Caitlin sighed.

"Fine," she murmured.

"Fine," Cisco muttered.

What the hell had she just gotten herself into?


	20. Chapter 20

Caitlin tapped her foot impatiently against the floor as she waited for her name to be called. Today was the day she was supposed to see the on campus counselor and she was absolutely terrified. Barry, who had offered to go with her, placed his hand against her knee and stilled her leg.

"Try to remember to breathe, sweetheart," he murmured soothingly as he rubbed his thumb across her knee in comforting strokes. She exhaled shakily and nodded her head.

"Caitlin Snow?" A voice called and Caitlin's head snapped up. She saw a man who was probably in his mid-thirties smiling kindly at her.

"I'm Drew, the counselor for the campus. You can come into my office now," he said and Barry squeezed her hand gently before they stood up.

Drew inclined his head towards Barry questioningly and Caitlin hesitated for a moment.

"H-he's going to sit in on the session with me, if that's alright," she murmured and Drew smiled encouragingly.

"That's fine, these sessions are meant to be about your comfort," he replied gently and the three of them filed into his office. Caitlin perched herself on one of the comfortable looking chairs, Barry taking the seat next to her. Drew sat down opposite them.

Caitlin shifted around the chair, trying to find a position that made her feel relaxed before tucking a loose strand of hair nervously behind her ear. She couldn't make eye contact with Drew and felt her heart hammering against her ribcage. Barry interlocked their fingers together and held her hand gently.

"So, what brings you in today, Caitlin?" Drew asked and Caitlin stilled, unsure of how to explain why she was being forced to talk to someone. Drew picked up on her discomfort immediately and smiled soothingly.

"Why don't we start with how your classes are treating you?" Drew tried a different approach and Caitlin nodded her head. Classes, she could talk about classes.

"T-they're okay," she stuttered out and Barry squeezed her hand.

"Are you happy with your grades?" Drew prompted and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Yes, very," she said quietly and she was. While other things in her life may not be in her control, her grades and food were the two things she had control over.

"It says here in your file that you fainted in your class that Dr. Wells teaches?" Drew asked and Caitlin bit her lip.

"I just got exhausted," she said and Barry tutted. She looked at him before sighing.

"I also may not have had any food for a while on that day," she confessed and Drew kept his face impassive.

"Is that something that happens a lot?" Drew asked and Caitlin sighed.

"More often, lately," she admitted with a shrug, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal.

Drew nodded his head as he looked at her thoughtfully.

"What was your favorite thing to eat as a kid?" Drew replied and she thought about it.

"My dad's chocolate chip pancakes," she said, unsure of where this conversation was going.

"Do you think that if your dad made them for you now you could eat them?" Drew asked and Caitlin felt her jaw drop at the question.

"Absolutely not," she vehemently protested and Drew seemed satisfied about something.

"Are you close to your mother?" Drew asked abruptly and Caitlin wondered why the conversation had taken this turn.

"Not…not as close as I am to my dad," Caitlin hedged and Drew hummed thoughtfully.

"Has your mother ever made you feel less than good about yourself?" Drew asked softly and Caitlin blinked back the moisture in her eyes.

"I-I can't talk about that," she said in a wavering voice and Barry rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

"Why not?" Drew asked gently and Caitlin felt the first tear escape and accepted the tissue Drew handed her.

"I just _can't_ ," she emphasized and Drew nodded his head.

"We'll get back to that topic," he murmured and Caitlin sighed gratefully.

"Thank you," she breathed out.

"Do you have a scale, Caitlin?" Drew asked and she felt Barry stop rubbing her knuckles as he looked at her; she wished he wouldn't.

"Do you?" Barry asked softly and Caitlin knew better than to lie. Hanging her head, she sighed.

"Yes," she whispered.

"And how often do you get on it?" Drew asked quietly and Caitlin felt knots swirl around in her belly.

"Uh….I….a few times a week," she mumbled. She noticed her hands shaking right around the time that Drew did and he frowned.

"What's got you so nervous, Caitlin?" Drew inquired and Caitlin inhaled shakily.

"I don't like talking to people about myself," she muttered and Drew studied her for a long moment.

"How long have you had anxiety?" Drew asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Too long," she mumbled and Drew nodded his head.

"How would you feel about getting on a low dose medication for that? Something that you take as needed, not every day?" Drew replied and Caitlin bit her lip anxiously.

"I don't know…" she trailed off as Barry watched her.

She didn't want to have to turn to medication but maybe it could help her.

"If I didn't like it could I get off it?" Caitlin asked and Drew nodded his head.

"Certainly. There is no law saying you have to stay on it past your choosing. It's completely up to you if you want to be on or off it," Drew replied and Caitlin sighed.

"Maybe….a low dose wouldn't hurt," she muttered and watched as Drew reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a pad that he scribbled something onto.

"This is a prescription that you can turn into the receptionist at the front office. She'll know what to do with it. Just take it when you feel like you need to. That can be once a day, once every few days, or even once every few weeks," Drew assured as he handed the slip to Caitlin and she held it in her fist. She glanced at Barry who was smiling gently at her and she nodded her head.

"Thank you," she murmured. Drew looked at her for a long moment before glancing at his watch.

"Our time is just about up but I want you to strongly consider making another appointment," Drew advised her and Caitlin thought it over before nodding her head.

"Alright," she replied softly and Drew smiled encouragingly at her.

"Until next week, Caitlin," he said and Caitlin smiled as best she could.

Until next week.

 **Author's note** : I wanted the first session to center around her anxiety and not the ED yet.


	21. Chapter 21

"How'd it go?" Cisco asked Caitlin softly as she and Barry met him at their dorm. She locked eyes with Barry who nodded his head encouragingly.

"Well, I got put on medication for anxiety," Caitlin mumbled and Cisco squeezed her shoulder gently.

"That's alright," he murmured and she frowned.

"What if everyone judges me?" Caitlin whispered and Cisco squeezed her shoulder again.

"Listen to me Cait, the people who matter will not judge you and forget those who don't matter," he stated firmly and she looked at him.

"But my mother…"Caitlin trailed off with a sigh.

"Doesn't know you," Cisco replied simply and Barry nodded his head firmly.

"And I don't even know your mother but she doesn't sound very nice," Barry said gently.

"So why should her opinion matter?" Cisco added and Caitlin looked at the two of them before exhaling.

"You guys are right," she said softly and smiled as much as she could. She still wasn't sure how she felt about being put on medication but figured it couldn't hurt; especially if it ended up helping her combat her anxiety.

"What do you want to do now, sweetheart?" Barry asked softly and she didn't have to think twice.

"Coffee," she replied immediately and Cisco laughed.

"Shouldn't have even asked," Cisco rolled his eyes and Caitlin flashed him a grin.

"Are you coming with us?" Caitlin asked and Cisco nodded his head.

"Of course. Just because I don't drink coffee like its water, does not mean I don't need a cup every now and then. I also have Wells' assignment to finish tonight so I need the fuel," Cisco replied.

"Do you need any help with it?" Caitlin asked as they made their way out of the dorm and to the coffee shop. Cisco shook his head.

"No, I've got it. I'd also like for you to sleep some tonight, you're looking tired again," Cisco said softly and Caitlin sighed. She _was_ feeling tired and she knew that she wouldn't be able to sneak off to the gym without Lisa noticing. She nodded her head.

"Alright," she murmured and locked her fingers with Barry's. He smiled at her as he ran his thumb against the back of her hand.

Once they made it to the coffee shop, Caitlin immediately felt warmth hit her and smiled. She made her way up to the counter and ordered a large coffee before catching Cisco looking at her pointedly.

"And a bagel," she added with a sigh. Cisco smiled happily.

Once they had their orders, they made their way back to a table and sat down. Caitlin tore off a small piece of bagel and popped into her mouth, where she chewed it for an immeasurable amount of time, feeling guilty for having it in the first place. After she finished with that small bite, she took a long sip of coffee to get the taste of the bagel out of her mouth. She spotted Hartley sitting a few tables away from them and dipped her head in his direction and he returned the greeting before getting up and making his way over.

"Hey guys," Hartley smiled at the group. Caitlin smiled back and then made introductions to Barry and Cisco.

"This is Hartley; he's in our class with Dr. Wells," Caitlin said and Barry and Cisco smiled.

"You sit in the back, yeah," Cisco replied as he recognized him.

"I'm Cisco and this is Barry," Cisco added and Barry nodded his head at him.

"Hey," Barry replied. Hartley stood for a moment, torn, before looking at them.

"Mind if my boyfriend and I join you guys?" Hartley asked and the three of them nodded their heads.

Hartley raised his hand and beckoned the guy who was sitting with him over to their table.

"Guys, this is Charles, my boyfriend," Hartley said and Charles smiled at them. They then introduced themselves and quickly made room for them at their table.

"So, are you feeling any better, Caitlin?" Hartley asked and she frowned at him.

"What do you mean?" Caitlin replied in confusion and Hartley shrugged.

"I mean from when you fainted in class the other day," he replied and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Oh, yes, I am. I had almost forgotten about that," Caitlin replied with a chuckle and Hartley mirrored her smile.

"Well, glad to hear you're feeling better," he said and left it at that; not bringing up the fact that Hartley and Caitlin had spent three hours in the library, studying, and then about another half hour talking about her health.

Barry draped his arm over her shoulder.

"She gave us all quite the scare but we're glad she's on the road to feeling better," Barry said softly and she rolled her eyes fondly while Cisco nodded his head.

"Yes, she is, aren't you?" Cisco looked at her pointedly and she raised an eyebrow. He simply stared her down.

"I am," she admitted with a huff and Cisco laughed.

"Victory!" Cisco fist pumped the air and Caitlin shook her head amusedly.

"You, my friend, are ridiculous," Caitlin said and Hartley watched the interaction with a smile on his face.

"Are they always like this?" Hartley asked Barry who just smiled warmly in response.

"More often than not," he agreed lightly and they all shared a collective laugh. Caitlin was feeling calm, sitting with these guys, and she could easily see herself becoming better friends with Hartley, and maybe his boyfriend, too.

Throwing caution to the wind, and deciding to be truthful, Caitlin looked at Charles.

"So, Charles, Hartley told me one time, when we were in the library together, that you know the on campus counselor, Drew?" Caitlin asked and Charles nodded his head.

"Yes, I've worked alongside him while completing some of my studies. Nicest guy you'll ever meet," Charles responded back and Caitlin nodded her head.

"I had an appointment with him today," she added quietly and Barry rubbed her shoulder. Hartley looked at her and smiled softly.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but are you going back?" Charles asked and Caitlin looked at Barry and Cisco before nodding her head.

"I am," she replied and Charles smiled.

"Good. Drew's a good guy, really cares about the students here and making sure their college experience goes as smoothly as possible. He's not there to make you feel nervous or scared or whichever," Charles said and Caitlin nodded her head; that had helped some of her anxiety.

Hartley looked at her.

"I'm glad you made an appointment, Caitlin," he said and she smiled half a smile before looking at Barry and Cisco, not wanting them to feel out of the loop.

"Hartley and I met here one day and decided to go study for class together. It was him who originally suggested talking to an on campus counselor after we talked about my fainting episode," she said quietly and they both nodded their heads in understanding.

"Thank you, Hartley," Barry said sincerely.

"Yeah, thanks, man," Cisco added his own gratitude.

Hartley waved a hand as if to say it was nothing and the conversation was left there as the group finished their drinks, each absorbed in their own thoughts.

 **Author's note:** Just a short one to bring Hartley back into it. I also sprained my ankle today and am in quite a bit of pain so really didn't have the energy to write more. I'm sorry! I'll get back to AOSIL soon!


	22. Chapter 22

A couple of days passed, and Caitlin found herself falling into a routine. Get up, meet Barry and Cisco, head to the coffee shop, and meet Hartley and Charles, school, library, and more coffee, repeat. She had been stealthy about how she ate in front of those around her and they seemed pleased with what they saw. Little did they know, she was racing to the bathroom after any bit of food entered her system. She woke up Friday morning and smiled at the rumbling in her belly. Getting slowly to her feet, she made her way to the closet after making sure Lisa was still sound asleep, got her scale out and stood on it. Once the numbers had settled, she peeked down and smiled ecstatically. 95. She had lost four more pounds. It took all of her restraint to not jump up and down but she contained herself, knowing she still had a long way to go before she'd be satisfied. After she put the scale away, she went to the bathroom down the hall to shower where she saw a few other girls. They fell silent when she walked in and she tried to ignore the hammering in her heart.

After she had stepped in and turned on the shower, she felt the knots and tension in her shoulders and back loosen considerably. Until the talking began.

"Did you see her?"

"I did. Did you see her _body_? Disgusting."

"I know, if I looked like that, I'd be ashamed to show my face."

"Wonder what that boyfriend of hers' thinks?"

"Oh please, he's _way_ too good for her…"

Caitlin, having grown more anxious by the minute, had had enough. Finishing her shower quickly, she slammed the handle down to turn off her shower and wrapped the towel around her securely before throwing back the curtain and staring at the girls.

"I can _hear_ you, you know," she said in a trembling voice and felt the tension come back to her shoulders. Staring at them for one moment longer, she shook her head.

"Whatever," she muttered as she stepped past the gossiping girls and down to her room. She eased herself in and shut her door quietly. She glanced at Lisa and saw that she was still asleep, so pulled her jeans on before turning around and letting her towel fall to the ground. She quickly yanked on a tee shirt and then her sweater before looking at her reflection. She obviously wasn't working hard enough; the girls had seen what Barry and Cisco were too nice not to: her fat. Lip trembling, Caitlin willed herself not to cry as Lisa started waking up.

"M-morning, Cait," Lisa exclaimed through a yawn and Caitlin couldn't turn and face her, not yet.

"Morning," Caitlin whispered.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Lisa asked softly as Caitlin heard her bedsprings creak; she had obviously sat up.

Caitlin just shook her head as the first tear fell.

"Nothing, just feeling a little anxious, it'll pass," Caitlin muttered. She couldn't see Lisa, but she had a feeling that Lisa was calculating her. Sighing, she blinked back any more moisture in her eyes and turned around with a false smile on her face.

"You better hurry up and get in the shower before all the hot water is gone," Caitlin murmured and Lisa studied her for a moment longer before nodding her head.

"Alright," Lisa said quietly as she swung her legs out of bed and stood up.

"Oh, and Caitlin? If you're feeling anxious, go ahead and take a tablet; it's what they're there for, after all," Lisa smiled kindly at her and Caitlin nodded her head, knowing that telling Lisa hadn't turned out to be a bad thing.

Lisa left her and Caitlin quickly took a pill before drying her hair and wrapping her sweater around her.

She slipped on some flats and made her way down to the lobby where Barry and Cisco were waiting for her, as usual. She smiled as best she could but could only end up with a grimace. Barry noticed immediately.

"You alright, sweetheart?" Barry asked softly as he took her hand. She nodded her head, trying not to let the girls' words get to her any more than they already had.

Barry frowned. "No, you're not."

"You're right, I'm not, but let my anxiety pill take effect before I tell you; I don't want to end up having a panic attack or something," Caitlin sighed and Barry squeezed her fingers gently.

"Of course," he murmured and brushed his lips across her forehead. Cisco, who had heard the whole exchange, smiled encouragingly at her.

"Coffee?" Cisco asked.

"Coffee," Caitlin agreed and the three made their way out onto the courtyard and headed towards their favorite coffee shop. Once there, they placed their usual orders, with Caitlin adding a bagel so Cisco was pleased, and made their way to a table once they had their orders.

Caitlin was feeling significantly calmer, something Barry and Cisco both picked up on.

"So, want to tell us what happened?" Cisco asked gently with Barry nodding his head and Caitlin sighed before beginning to talk.

"Some girls in the bathroom were making comments about my body and it was just stressing me out," Caitlin said quietly and Cisco's eyes flashed dangerously.

"What kind of comments?" Cisco demanded and Caitlin dropped her eyes down to the table.

"They just said my body was disgusting and they'd be too ashamed to show their faces if they were me. They're clearly talking about how much I weigh," Caitlin said in distress and Barry ran his thumb over her knuckles in comforting strokes.

"I think you're right but for the wrong reason, sweetheart," Barry murmured and Caitlin looked up at him in confusion. There was nothing but gentleness swirling around in his orbs.

"How do you figure?" Caitlin asked and Barry continued rubbing his thumb against her knuckles.

"I think they were referring to how thin you are. I'm not saying they chose the right words to express it or that they should've even been talking about it in the first place," Barry said and Caitlin stared at him.

"No, they were clearly talking about how big I am," Caitlin said but Barry shook his head.

"You're wrong," he replied gently.

"You can't know that," Caitlin whispered, feeling like she was in such inner turmoil she had no clue which way was up and which way was down.

"I _do_ know that," he countered and she decided to not push the subject.

"Its fine, I got over it. I just took me by surprise," Caitlin said with a sigh and Barry and Cisco smiled at her sympathetically.

"It would take anyone by surprise, Cait," Cisco said and Barry hummed in agreement.

They fell silent as they drank their coffees and ate their bagels; as much as Caitlin could force into her stomach.

Once they were finished and Caitlin had returned from the bathroom, they made their way to class, the girls' words not completely forgotten. Caitlin knew Barry was wrong and vowed to work harder so she didn't give anyone the chance to make fun of her again.


	23. Chapter 23

A couple of weeks later and Caitlin had realized she had made it through three appointments with Drew and each one was easier than the last. They talked mainly about her anxiety but he also talked to her about her eating habits. She tried to redirect the conversation each time that happened but he was adamant so she let it happen. He had gotten her to admit that she had a problem with food, and then had convinced her to try and eat a little more with each meal. She wasn't satisfied with her body, not yet, but she did have to admit: it felt nice not having constant hunger pains. She still would expel whatever she ate, which helped keep the majority of the weight off, but she had gone back up to 100 pounds, something she wasn't too thrilled with. However, she knew it was probably for the best; things had started to spin out of control.

As Caitlin got ready to meet the guys for coffee, her phone rang and she glanced down. Upon seeing that it was her mother, Caitlin debated ignoring it but answered it with a sigh.

"Hello?" Caitlin asked cautiously and was surprised to hear her mother's voice trembling.

"Caitlin, are you sitting down?" Caitlin's mother asked and what a wonderful way to begin the conversation. Caitlin eased herself down onto her bed and nodded her head.

"I am now, what's going on?" Caitlin demanded, trying to ignore the knots swirling in her belly.

"It's your father, he's had a heart attack," Caitlin's mother said quietly and Caitlin felt her stomach drop. She sat there, trying to gather her thoughts and collect herself. She took a steadying breath, nodded her head, and cleared her throat.

"I'll drive home today," she muttered, "be there for you guys."

"Oh, honey," Caitlin's mom gasped out and Caitlin knew she hadn't delivered the worst of the news, not yet; her mother had never been so gentle before. Caitlin sucked in a wavering breath as she listened intently but nothing was ever going to prepare her for what she heard next.

"He didn't make it, Cait," her mother cried and Caitlin felt her own tears slide down the tip of her nose and onto her bed.

"No," Caitlin whispered brokenly, "no!"

"Baby, I'm so sorry," her mother cried and Caitlin wailed, feeling inexpressibly grateful that Lisa had left early and wasn't here to see her breakdown. Caitlin clutched her stomach as she cried in earnest.

"I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye," Caitlin cried and she knew the pain she was feeling in her chest was just the beginning of the long road she was going to walk.

"You need to come home," her mother said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"I know," she whispered and she did. She needed to be home to support her mother, even though they had never gotten along; she wouldn't leave her mother to deal with this on her own. Crying, Caitlin thought over everything she had to do to prepare for going home.

"I have to talk to my professors," Caitlin muttered, "clear it with them and get any assignments I'm going to miss."

"Alright, just _hurry_ ," her mother begged and Caitlin had never heard her sound this way before. So scared and lost. She knew that her mother was going to be relying heavily on her over the upcoming months and was determined to help her as best as she could.

"I'll be home by this evening," Caitlin promised. After a few more words, the two women got off the phone and Caitlin sat on her bed in shock. She couldn't believe this had happened; her father had always seemed so invincible to her. Crying for a few more minutes, Caitlin eventually got up and packed. She didn't know how long she was going to be staying so packed anything and everything she could get her hands onto. Next came her bathroom bag. When she was finally satisfied with what she had brought, she slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way out of her dorm and down to the lobby, where she knew Cisco and Barry would be waiting for her.

They were laughing at something when she got there but sobered up when they saw her tear stained face and bag on her shoulder.

"Caitlin, what happened?" Cisco demanded and she stood there for a moment, too lost and scared to know what to say.

"I…." Caitlin gasped out and then clutched her side as pain wracked her body. Barry pulled her in close and held her tightly.

"Take your time, sweetheart. Remember to breathe," he urged softly and she nodded her head.

Once she had cleared her head a little bit, she cleared her throat and tried again.

"My father died," she said numbly and felt like she was going to collapse; Barry held her up.

"Oh my god, Cait," Cisco whispered and squeezed her shoulder.

"I have to go home," she muttered, still too lost in what had happened. They nodded their heads and Barry hugged her tightly.

"When are you leaving?" Barry asked softly.

"Today, after I talk to my professors," she mumbled and he nodded his head.

"Can you wait for an hour longer while I talk to my professors and pack a bag?" Barry asked and she stared at him.

"What?" Caitlin repeated, certain she had misunderstood him.

"You're not going to deal with this on your own, sweetheart," he murmured.

"Barry, you can't come with me; you can't fall behind," she muttered but he shook his head.

"I'm already ahead in all my classes, and can take my work with me. I'm not leaving you to deal with your pain on your own," he replied firmly and Caitlin stared at him for a long moment before nodding her head.

"Alright," she breathed out. He brushed his lips across her forehead for a moment before nodding his head

"Go talk to your professors and I'll talk to mine, then we can talk to Wells together. Is that alright, baby?" Barry asked gently and she nodded her head, still in shock.

"I'll go with you, Cait," Cisco offered quietly and she agreed. She knew that this trip to her mother's was going to be a lot harder now that her father wasn't going to be there, but she hoped with Barry around she'd be able to survive it.

 **Author's n** ote:Just a short one to get the ball rolling in the direction I need it to. Hope you enjoy.


	24. Chapter 24

After Cisco had gone with Caitlin to all of her professors, who had given her their condolences and any class work she'd be missing, he dropped her off with Barry with a hug goodbye.

"Remember, call me if you need _anything_ , Cait," Cisco said softly and she nodded her head.

"I will," she promised.

"And you better come back with more weight on you," he added seriously and she didn't have it in her to argue with him. She was still in shock.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure she eats," Barry said and Cisco clapped him on the shoulder.

"You guys better go talk to Wells and then get on the road," Cisco murmured and Barry nodded as he interlocked his fingers with Caitlin.

"C'mon, sweetheart, we need to go," he said softly.

"Bye Cisco," she murmured and then allowed Barry to lead her away. Once they made it to Wells' classroom, Barry wasted no time in explaining what happened once he realized Caitlin had started retreating back into herself.

After saying everything that had happened, Wells took no time in giving Caitlin and Barry their paperwork.

"I'll even give you both an extension on it; just focus on taking care of yourself Caitlin," Wells murmured.

"And my mother," she mumbled.

"No, I mean you," Wells stated and she looked at him.

"Look," Wells began as he took his glasses off and wiped them on his coat, "I know what it's like to lose a parent so early in life and feel like it's your sole responsibility to make sure your other parent goes on without them but you have to also look after yourself."

Caitlin just studied him before slowly exhaling.

"I will," she whispered and Barry squeezed her hand.

"And I'll help her to do that," he added and Wells smiled slightly.

"I have no doubt, Mr. Allen. Now you guys better get on the road, beat the evening traffic," Wells said and they left after another moment and made their way to Caitlin's car in the parking garage. She was just about to head to the driver's side when Barry placed his hand on her arm, effectively locking her in place.

"Maybe I should drive, sweetheart," he murmured.

"You don't know where I live," she replied in a monotone.

"You see, technology made this cool new thing called a phone and placed this nifty tool called GPS inside of it. If you just type in your address, it'll direct me to your house," Barry joked and Caitlin felt herself smile for the first time that day.

"You're a goof, Barry Allen," she said softy before taking his phone and typing out her address. After checking that everything was correct, she handed him back his phone and walked around to the passenger's side and eased herself in, her limbs still feeling too numb to be able to support her.

Barry climbed in after her and adjusted the mirrors before smiling softly at her.

"Do you want to try and sleep some?" Barry asked gently but she shook her head.

"No."

"Sleep is good for you, sweetheart," Barry murmured but she was adamant.

"I'm not ready for the nightmares to begin," she said quietly and he left it at that and started the car before driving out of the garage and off the main street on the campus. The car ride was spent with little conversation but Caitlin knew that wasn't because they didn't know what to say; they just didn't have anything to say. The three hour drive passed in relative quickness, making no stops as Barry had already picked them up coffee to go at the shop on campus. Once they pulled up into her driveway and Barry cut the engine, he turned to look at her.

"Listen to me, baby," he started and Caitlin turned to look at him.

"Just because we're here to help your mother doesn't mean I won't help you too, or that I'm going to let her belittle you," he said gently and she nodded her head.

"Thank you," she said quietly and he brushed his lips across her forehead.

"Let's get in there," he murmured and they got out of the car and made their way up to the house. Caitlin took out her spare key and let them in only to find her mother sitting on the bottom stair leading up to their second landing, silent tears streaming down her face.

"Oh, mom," Caitlin whispered as she dropped her bag on the floor and made her way to her mother. She hesitated, unsure of what to do for a moment before squeezing her shoulder gently. It was a sign of how bad their relationship had gotten that Caitlin's mother didn't hug her but merely squeezed the hand that was on her shoulder.

"T-thank you for coming," Jane said softly and cleared her throat. Caitlin blinked back her tears and reminded herself to be strong for her mother.

"Of course," she murmured and tightened her sweater around her more tightly. Jane's eyes landed on Barry and she looked between him and her daughter.

"Caitlin, who's this?" Jane asked and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

"I'd like you to meet Barry, Mom. Barry's my boyfriend," she said and Caitlin knew that if it wasn't such tragic circumstances, her mother would be ecstatic. All she could manage, however, was a small smile.

"Nice to meet you, Barry. Thank you for bringing my daughter home," she said quietly and Barry nodded his head.

"Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Snow," Barry replied. Her mother didn't say anything else and Caitlin hesitated, torn on what to do, before helping her mother stand up.

"When's the last time you've eaten?" Caitlin asked softly and her mother shrugged.

"Last night, before your father had his heart attack," she said quietly and Caitlin tutted.

"Let's get some food in you, then," she murmured.

"And get some food for you, too," Barry added.

"I'm not hungry," Caitlin dismissed but Barry shook his head.

"Just a little bit," he encouraged and Caitlin, not wanting her mother to catch wind of her diet, nodded her head. She made her way into the kitchen and began preparing the ingredients for homemade chicken noodle soup as her mother sat at the table and Barry sat next to her, talking to her quietly. Caitlin couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, but knew it must have been the right thing because her mother squeezed his hand gratefully.

"Thank you," Jane murmured tiredly and Barry smiled.

It was then that Caitlin realized no matter how hard this trip home was going to be, she was relieved to know Barry was with her. And that? That was good enough for her.

 **Author's note:** So, I may have started another story called "Spells"; I just couldn't help myself. Read it if you so wish and let me know what you think. These will be my two main stories once AOSIL finishes! XOXO


	25. Chapter 25

After Caitlin had made sure her mother had eaten a reasonable amount of soup, and she had half a bowl herself, Caitlin cleared up the kitchen with the help of Barry who worked next to her easily. Jane had retreated to the living room with a glass of wine and, while she questioned her mother's coping mechanisms, Caitlin didn't try to talk her out of the glass. She knew people coped with grief in different ways but it was something she was going to be wary about, just for the time being.

Once the kitchen was back to its original clean state, Caitlin dropped the sponge back in the sink and went and got herself a glass of water.

"Want some?" Caitlin asked Barry softly and he nodded his head.

"That'd be great, Cait," he murmured and she added a second glass before walking back over to him and handing it to him.

"We better go see what my mother is up to," Caitlin said softly and Barry hummed in agreement. They then made their way into the living room and spotted he mother sitting on the couch, taking occasional sips out of her wine glass.

"Hey mom," Caitlin said gently as she took the spot next to her on the couch, Barry following suit in the chair across from the couch. Her mother looked up at her and smiled through watery eyes.

"Hey, Cait," she murmured and Caitlin hadn't hear her mother call her that since she was a little girl. It brought long forgotten memories of happier times back to the forefront of her mind and made her smile softly.

"What?" Jane asked quietly and Caitlin shook her head.

"Nothing; I just haven't heard you call me by that nickname since I was a little girl," she murmured and a frown washed over Jane's face.

"I guess I haven't," she replied uncertainly and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"I forgot how much I used to love it when you and da-," Caitlin broke off her sentence with a gasp as she stared at her mother with frightened eyes. Now was not the time to be reminiscing about her father, not when the heartache was still so fresh.

Her mother smiled tightly and skipped over her mistake.

"I'm getting tired, maybe I'll go up to bed now," her mother said and she sounded as distant as Caitlin had ever remembered. Sighing, Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright," she agreed softly and watched as her mother stood up from the couch, wine glass still in hand, and made her way up the stairs. Sighing, Caitlin tucked her feet up underneath her as she stared blankly before her. She didn't pull out of her trance until she felt gentle fingers underneath her chin and blinked up at Barry who was trying to gain eye contact.

"Where'd you go?" Barry asked quietly and she shook her head.

"Nowhere, just thinking about how stupid it was of me to bring up a happier time with my dad right in front of my mom." She mumbled. Barry kissed her forehead.

"That's not stupid; we all grieve in our own ways. To be honest, I'm glad that your form of grieving is to remember the happy times you shared with your dad," Barry replied.

"As opposed to…" Caitlin prompted and watched as Barry grew slightly uncomfortable. He looked determined all the same.

"To resort back to your anorexia and bulimia," he murmured and Caitlin froze. He knew about that?

"You know about the bulimia?" Caitlin demanded in a shocked whisper.

"I had a hunch but wasn't completely sure and didn't want to force you to talk about something you may or may not be talking to Drew about," he replied softly.

"How'd you get the hunch?" Caitlin asked incredulously and Barry shrugged.

"You were always disappearing to the bathroom literally any time you ate something," he said and Caitlin frowned; she hadn't realized he had been paying that close of attention to her.

"I didn't think you had noticed," she said and he nodded his head.

"I noticed a lot more than you think," he murmured and she frowned again.

"What does _that_ mean?" Caitlin demanded and Barry sighed.

"Just that I still noticed the excessive amount of weight you have lost over the course of a month, or how you pull apart your food and hide it in your napkin when you think no one is looking, or how you have to go to the restroom after every meal," he said gently and it was Caitlin's turn to sigh.

"I'm sorry," she muttered but Barry shook his head.

"Nothing to be sorry about. I know you're working on things with Drew. I just wanted to let you know that I _did_ notice those things, even when you thought you were being sneaky. It's also led me to studying a lot about eating disorders between studying for my classes and hanging out with you and Cisco," Barry said and Caitlin was taken by surprise.

"You...you're studying about eating disorders?" Caitlin asked timidly and Barry nodded his head.

"Yes, I am," he said gently, "I want to be able to help you in any way I can."

Caitlin stared at him for a long moment before tucking herself into his side and leaning her head on his shoulder.

"You're too good for me," she murmured and Barry laughed softly.

"It's the other way around, sweetheart," he replied and they left the conversation there for a few minutes before Barry spoke up.

"You _are_ trying to get better, right?" Barry asked quietly and Caitlin swallowed passed the lump in her throat. She knew he didn't mean with her anxiety but rather with her eating disorder and wow that was the first time she was able to admit it to herself. She thought things over for a moment before choosing her words carefully.

"I'm trying to get better at living my life," she replied and left it there, suddenly too tired to explain exactly what she meant. Perhaps Barry had noticed because he sat her back up.

"You should get some sleep," he soothed and she nodded her head, fighting back against the overwhelming grief that threatened to crush her.

"Alright," she murmured and got up, him following suit. They made their way up the stairs and Caitlin pointed out the guest room and bathroom before kissing him good night and retiring to her childhood bedroom, the room where everything had started spinning out of control for her.


	26. Chapter 26

When Caitlin woke up the next morning she felt pain weighing down her bones and her heart beating heavily against her ribcage. Every movement she made was like an ache she felt in the deepest parts of her soul. She was shattered and she didn't know how long it was going to take to put herself back together. Laying there for a few more moments, she eventually decided it was time to get up and go see how her mother was. Sitting up caused the pain to embed itself further in her bones. Caitlin eventually got herself out of bed and moving around. She slid on a pair of jeans that hung loosely around her waist and slipped her sweater on and watched as it hung even more loosely on her frame than her jeans did. Sighing, she stepped up to the mirror and looked at her reflection. Sunken cheeks, tired eyes, dark circles around her tired eyes, and pale skin. She didn't know a diet could do that to a person. Shaking her head, she left her room and made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen where she spotted her mother sitting, sipping out of a cup of coffee.

"Morning, mom," Caitlin said softly as she grabbed her own cup of coffee and joined her at the table.

Jane looked up and stared at her daughter. Caitlin shifted some of her hair forward to partially hide her face from her mother's prying eyes but didn't comment on it.

"You've lost weight," Jane stated and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"A little bit, yeah. Finally joined a gym," she replied and smiled at the irony behind joining a gym at three in the morning as opposed to three in the afternoon. Jane nodded her head but didn't comment. Caitlin assumed she was still processing everything about his death; she knew she was.

Soft footsteps alerted her to Barry entering the kitchen and she smiled as much as she could.

"Morning," she murmured."

"Morning, Cait, Mrs. Snow," Barry replied back as he took the last coffee cup off the counter and made his own cup. He then sat down next to Caitlin and placed his hand on her knee, squeezing it comfortingly.

"Did you sleep alright?" Caitlin asked quietly and Barry nodded his head.

"Your guest bed is a lot comfier than a dorm bed," he replied and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

"Good," she said and left the conversation there. Her mom was looking at the two of them with an unrecognizable expression in her eyes and Caitlin wondered what she was thinking. She didn't ask, however, not when her mother still had so much pain etched across her features. She squeezed her hand gently, wondering if she was crossing a line; however, her mother just placed her free hand over Caitlin's and left it there, simply holding it. Caitlin stared down at their hands and smiled hesitantly at her mother, which was returned. She dipped her head to acknowledge the effort her mother was making and left it alone after that.

"We need to talk to the minister, plan a funeral," Jane muttered and Caitlin could see how much pain that caused her mother as fresh tears welled up in her eyes.

"I-I don't think I can, Caitlin," her mother added in a trembling voice and Caitlin squeezed her hand again.

"That's okay, mom, I'll do it," she whispered and Jane nodded her head.

"Thank you," she breathed out and Caitlin smiled. She knew it was going to cause her massive pain to have to do this, but it would hurt her mother more, something she was not willing to let happen. After they finished their coffees, her mother stood up from the table and walked off without another word, leaving Barry and Caitlin to watch her retreating form.

"Look at me baby," Barry murmured and Caitlin turned her eyes on him, fresh with tears.

"Oh, Cait," he said softly, "do you want me to call the minister?"

Caitlin shook her head.

"I have to do this, Barry," she said quietly and he nodded his head.

"Of course, just, let me be there for you?" Barry pleaded and Caitlin nodded.

After sitting there for a few more moments, Caitlin went upstairs to where her bag and school bag were both sitting in her room. After rummaging around in her school bag for a moment, she pulled out her planner which had numbers saved in the back of it and made her way back downstairs, her numb limbs still having trouble supporting her.

Once she got back into the kitchen, she poured herself another cup of coffee before silently looking up her minister's number and calling him. Barry held her hand through the painful conversation, that gesture a constant reminder that he was helping her to stay afloat.

When the conversation was over, Caitlin looked at Barry.

"Funeral's in three days. I need to get out notices to some of my dad's old friends," she said and Barry nodded his head.

"What can I do, sweetheart?" Barry asked gently and she looked at him.

"This. What you're doing. Being here, with me," she stated and closed her eyes as he traced her upper lip.

"I'm not going anywhere," he promised firmly and she smiled.

"Think you can eat something?" Barry asked softly and she thought about it before shaking her head.

"I don't even have an appetite," she said and he nodded his head.

"Figured that'd happen and it's okay, as long as you eat at some point today," Barry replied quietly and she sighed before agreeing to his request.

"Alright," she sad and he smiled at her.

"Thank you, sweetheart," he murmured and she smiled half a smile. It was always so easy to make her boyfriend happy, something she felt proud of. To see that smile light up his whole face, even in this dark time, made her happy. Something she knew she was going to be lacking in her life a lot as she navigated her way through this difficult time. It helped to know that Barry was there with her, however, and that's what kept her surviving.


	27. Chapter 27

Caitlin planned the funeral perfectly, down to the beverage of choice for the people who would be coming back to their house after the actual funeral. Barry helped as much as she let him, not wanting to over cross lines or step on any toes; Caitlin was forever grateful. She didn't know how she'd be surviving this trip home without him. He was her life vest in an endless angry ocean that was tossing her about.

The day of the funeral came around, bringing the storm the weatherman had promised the night before. Caitlin slipped on her dress in her room, while Barry got ready in his room. They met at the end of the hall. Barry smiled at her softly as he moved back to let her go down the stairs first, placing his hand on the small over back lightly, to ensure she didn't trip.

Once they made it down to the kitchen, she spotted her mom in her dress as well, staring out of the kitchen window blankly. Caitlin walked up to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, not wanting to startle her.

"We better get going," Caitlin said softly and Jane turned to look at her with tears in her eyes.

"I'm not ready to do this," she whispered and Caitlin felt her heart clench. Never before had she seen her mother this lost and scared. Gone was the tough façade she lived by day in and day out; all that was left was a vulnerable woman who seemed unsure of herself. Caitlin squeezed her shoulder.

"It's okay, mom, I'll be right there next to you; we'll get through this together," Caitlin promised.

"I don't want to get through this together, I want your father back," Jane breathed as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. Caitlin watched as she wiped at them roughly.

"I know," Caitlin murmured as she stared at her mother. She didn't recognize this shell of a woman. She found herself missing her abnormally tough mother and was surprised at herself; she never thought she'd miss that part of her. Sighing, she jerked her head to the front door.

"We better get going," she stated and Jane allowed her to direct her through the house and out the front door, Barry right behind them. Once they got settled in the car, Caitlin cut off the music and began the drive to the cemetery, trying not to think of how much pain she was about to be in. Caitlin would glance in the rearview mirror every so often and spot Barry smiling at her softly and she would pool strength from his strength; she had to.

When they reached the cemetery, Caitlin parked the car and Barry got out of the backseat, opened her mother's door, and offered a hand to help her out of the car with. Caitlin felt warmth flutter around in her belly at his constant gentleness, even towards a woman who was partly to blame for her eating habits. Caitlin eased herself out of her seat and walked around to where her mother and Barry were waiting for her. Barry automatically interlocked their fingers and they made their way to where the minister was waiting for him.

"Pastor James," Caitlin smiled. It had been a long time since she had seen him last but knew he was still a close friend to his father. Well, was. He smiled at her gently.

"Caitlin, my dear, you're all grown up," he replied and she chuckled.

"You're looking well, Pastor," Caitlin complimented and he smiled.

"As sweet as you once were. I'm terribly sorry for the circumstances which reunite us," Pastor James said softly and she smiled tightly.

"Thank you," she said.

"Your father was a good man," the pastor added and Caitlin nodded her head.

"He was the best," she replied and felt Barry squeeze her hand, giving her strength. It wasn't too long before their other relatives and family friends showed up and then the ceremony got started. Caitlin listened as the pastor said his part, then inviting other people to come up and say something. She glanced at her mother when he turned his attention on her.

"Jane, dear, would you like to say anything?" Pastor James asked her softly but her mother merely shook her head as tears dripped off the end of her nose. The pastor nodded and then turned his eyes on Caitlin, who stood torn. She knew this would be the last time she would get to say goodbye to her dad but she didn't know if she was ready. Swallowing her pain, she nodded her head and released Barry's hand and walked up next to the tombstone, staring down at the coffin.

"My father was a good man, loved with his whole heart," she began and then had to clear her throat as she collected herself.

"He taught me that there was no such thing as too much learning, no such thing as too much reading. He simply wanted my education to expand each day and I hope that I have made him proud. I hope he can look down on me and realize that I'll always be carrying him with me," she said softly before kissing two of her fingers and laying it against his coffin.

"I love you, daddy," she whispered and felt proud for not letting the tears escape. She walked back to Barry and tucked herself into his side as the funeral carried on. Eventually, like all things must, it came to an end and the procession made their way back to her house, not wanting to get caught up in mindless chatter when her mother might need help to make it through the rest of the day.

At the house, Caitlin played the hostess, making sure everyone had a drink in their hand and were granted the appropriate amount of conversation time. She smiled at everyone who came so much she felt like her muscles were going to lock into place. She had lost Barry at some point and was just about to go find him when she walked by a picture on their mantle. She stared at it for a long moment, not recognizing the girl who stood next to her father. It was her, of course, but she didn't look anything like herself. She looked fuller, happier, had some of the sparkle she missed seeing in her eyes, and she wondered where the hell that girl had gone. Taking a gasping breath, Caitlin backed away from the photo, turned on her foot, and made her way up the stairs and to her room. Once there, she went directly to her closet and buried herself behind her clothes, determined to forget the picture, even if only for a minute. _What_ happened to her? That girl in the picture looked so happy and it couldn't have been taken more than year ago. She bit her lip as the tears welled up in her eyes. She missed her father, missed him so much it caused her an actual ache in her stomach. She thought over how concerned he'd be if he saw her diet and that caused the tears to flow out and she gasped before quickly covering her mouth with her hand; she didn't want anyone to hear her, especially her mother.

She didn't know how long she had stayed in the closet, crying, but a gentle knocking brought her back to her surroundings.

"Sweetheart, are you in there?' Barry asked and of course he would come looking for her.

"No," she cried and he paused his knocking before sighing.

"I'm coming in, alright?" Barry asked gently and she thought about protesting the idea but she was simply too _tired_ to do anything. The door eased open and Barry looked down on her with a saddened expression and she wondered what she looked like.

"Oh, _Cait_ ," Barry murmured as he sat down next to her.

"I-I'm so-sorry," she stuttered and he pulled her tightly into his chest.

"Hush, sweetheart, you're okay," he soothed as he rocked them back and forth and she held onto him tightly as he anchored her in place.

"I miss him, so much," she gasped and Barry nodded his head.

"I know, sweetheart, I know," he whispered and she continued to cry. He simply held her until there were no more tears left, just a dull ache in her heart.

"I should go check on my mother," she muttered but Barry shook his head.

"In a few minutes. Right now this is your time. You've been staying so strong for your mother and I'm so proud of you baby, but now it's your turn to grieve," he replied softly.

Too drained to argue with him about it, she simply nodded her head and closed her eyes, wanting to wake up from this horrible nightmare.


	28. Chapter 28

After hiding in the closet for a little while longer, Caitlin eventually pulled herself to her feet and wiped her eyes.

"I have to get back out there, see how my mother is doing," she muttered and Barry stood up, too.

"Alright, I'll be right there with you," he murmured and she nodded her head gratefully.

"Thank you, Barry," she whispered and he kissed her forehead softly.

"Nothing to thank me for," he replied quietly and smiled as he brushed his lips against her forehead one more time before squeezing her hand.

"Let's go, sweetheart," he murmured and she took a deep breath before pushing open her closet door and making her way out of her room, Barry following right behind her.

Once they made it downstairs, Caitlin glanced around and spotted her mother sitting at on the couch with a faraway look in her eyes. Sighing, she made her way over to her and eased herself down on the couch next to her.

"Mom?" Caitlin asked gently and Jane turned towards her.

"Caitlin," she murmured and placed her hand against her cheek. Caitlin's eyes closed upon contact.

"I'm here, mom," she whispered, knowing her mother needed to hear those words.

"Don't leave me too, please," Jane asked softly and Caitlin wondered how long her mother was going to remain being this gentle. She nodded her head as she placed her hand against the one on her cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere," she promised with conviction and Jane smiled.

"I'm tired, Cait," Jane murmured and Caitlin studied her mom's face.

"I know you are, mom," she murmured and watched as she stood up.

"Please make all these people leave; your father wouldn't want them making a fuss over him," Jane requested before walking up the stairs and into her room, shutting the door softly behind her.

Caitlin stared at the closed door for a long moment before turning to Barry.

"Now what?" Caitlin asked quietly and Barry smiled at her.

"Now, you need something to eat," he murmured and Caitlin's stomach lurched. She had absolutely no appetite; couldn't even force something down if she wanted to.

"I'm not hungry," she replied softly and Barry kissed her forehead.

"Not anything too big, sweetheart, just enough to give you some fuel to push through the rest of the afternoon," he encouraged and she sighed, knowing he would be adamant about this.

"Fine, I'll have some fruit," she murmured and he nodded his head approvingly.

"Sounds good to me, sweetheart," he replied softly and they made their way into the kitchen and Caitlin dug some fruit out of the refrigerator along with some water. She got a knife out of the kitchen drawer and went to go cut the fruit when Barry stilled her hand.

"Maybe try eating all of it, baby?" Barry asked gently and Caitlin stared at the fruit for a long moment before nodding her head slowly.

"I'll-I'll try," she breathed out and he squeezed her hand.

"Thank you," he murmured and she took a bite of the strawberry she had grabbed and chewed it slowly, trying not to grimace. She repeated this process with all five pieces of fruit she had gotten until it was all gone. She then took a long drink of water before looking down guiltily,

"What's wrong?" Barry asked softly as he tilted her chin back up to maintain eye contact.

Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"I just feel guilty for eating that and knowing I- I won't be able to expel it," she whispered and Barry kissed her forehead gently.

"You're right, you won't be able to but it's okay. You did amazing, and we'll tackle dinner when it arrives, together," he promised and she just nodded her head.

After she had thrown away her trash and finished her bottle of water, she walked out to where the other guests were and started thanking them for coming. It wasn't long before she was showing the last one out and shut the door softly with a sigh. She kicked off her heels and left them by the stairs before walking to the couch and sitting down. She knew she needed to change and make something for her mother to eat but she just wanted to sit and enjoy the quiet for a moment. She sat perfectly still, aware that Barry was watching her but this was her moment to herself and he seemed to understand and respect that; he didn't push her to talk. The first tear escaped, followed by another and all Barry did was hand her a tissue. She nodded her thanks as tears continued to flow. She thought she had gotten all of her crying out when she was hiding in the closet but apparently she was wrong. Barry sat down next to her.

"I'm just going to make sure you're more comfortable, baby; you don't have to talk," he murmured and she let him ease her down onto his chest as he laid back on the couch. She curled herself into a tight ball and cried against his chest.

"When's the pain going to go away?" Caitlin whispered and Barry ran his fingers through her hair.

"I don't think it ever will, baby," he said honestly, "but with each passing day you'll get better at managing it."

Caitlin nodded her head.

"That sounds nice," she whispered and Barry just continued running his fingers through her hair; she found it incredibly comforting.

They stayed there for a solid half hour before Caitlin's tears ran dry and she sat up.

Barry looked at her and she realized how bad she must look and tried to turn away but he stilled her.

"No. no, don't turn away from me, baby," he whispered and she looked at him.

"You're beautiful," he added and she blushed.

They sat there, looking at each other before she leaned forward and kissed him.

"Thanks for coming with me," she murmured and he kissed her gently one more time.

"Of course," he replied softly. She left the conversation there, knowing that her heart was nowhere near healed but with his help, she could overcome this tragedy and that was good enough for her.

 **Author's note:** Just a short one to highlight Caitlin's strength and depression. Her strength for her mother, and her depression for her father. Thanks to everyone who's reading this story. Means a lot.


	29. Chapter 29

After Caitlin had pulled herself together for a second time, she stood up and made her way to the kitchen, where she began preparing dinner for her mom. Barry followed her in wordlessly and began helping her. She liked the fact that they worked well as a team together and could see them making dinner together during happier times. It wasn't long before the sandwiches were ready and Caitlin was taking the bread out of the toaster She made her mom's the way she liked it and headed upstairs to give it to her. She wasn't going to force her to sit in the kitchen to eat when it was clear she wanted to be alone for a while.

She knocked on her mother's door and heard a soft voice telling her to come in. She opened the door quietly and brought the sandwich to her.

"Made you something to eat, mom," Caitlin murmured and crouched down next to her bed.

Jane took the sandwich from her with a soft thanks. "I'm not hungry but I know I have to eat."

Caitlin nodded her head. "Yes, you do."

Jane sighed as she took the first bite and Caitlin knew her mother well enough to know that she still wasn't ready for company so just told her she'd be downstairs if she needed hear and left the room quietly.

Once back downstairs and in the kitchen, Caitlin spotted Barry putting the finishing touches on two sandwiches.

"Hungry?" Caitlin asked and Barry shook his head.

"One's for you, of course," he replied and Caitlin furrowed her brow.

"I'm…" she trailed off, wondering if she could possibly get away with saying she wasn't hungry.

"Sweetheart, all you've had today is five pieces of fruit and a water bottle. It's seven in the evening. You need something more than that," he murmured and Caitlin hesitated, torn, before sighing and sitting down at the table.

"Bring the stupid thing here," she mumbled and Barry smiled softly at her as he brought her the sandwich.

She picked it up with shaking hands and looked at it before slowly shaking her head.

"I can't," Caitlin whispered but Barry nodded his head.

"Yes, you can, baby," he encouraged softly and Caitlin swallowed around the nerves that had fluttered up inside her throat and took a small bite. She chewed it for a long moment before taking a drink of the water Barry had placed beside her plate on the table.

She looked at the sandwich sadly and then at Barry.

"Please, don't make me eat this," she whispered as tears filled her eyes. Barry crouched down by her and ran his hand along her arm soothingly.

"Just try, baby. If you can only eat half of it, that's fine too. But I want you to eat at least half of that sandwich. I don't care how long it takes you," he said softly. She stared at him for a moment before exhaling shakily and nodding her head. She took another small bite, followed by a sip of water. She refused to look at the clock while she chewed, knowing she was taking longer than normal to eat. Once she had eaten half the sandwich, she pushed the remainder of it away from her and stood up.

"Bathroom," she blurted out but Barry wound his arm around her waist and held her in place.

"No, sweetheart, no," he whispered in her ear and oh how she fought him.

"Please, B-Barry," she gasped but he held her in place.

"You're not doing that yourself, baby. I won't allow it," he promised softly and she was left to wonder why he was once again being so _gentle_ with her. He eased her back into her chair and crouched down on the floor beside her, waiting for her to give him her attention. Once she did, he started speaking.

"I know you're talking to Drew and I know that he might have been mentioning treatment plans to you," he began and she nodded her head wordlessly; they had talked about it briefly before she found out her father had died.

"I want you to know I will stand by you if that's something you have to do, I'll look after you," Barry promised and Caitlin stared at him. No one had ever been this gentle with her, had ever wanted to. They had always expected her to be the perfect Caitlin she knew she could be, had never wanted anything less from her. Then there was Barry, who had accepted her just the way she was, flaws and all. It left her overwhelmed. She took a deep breath before speaking softly.

"Yes, I told you Drew and I _had_ discussed that; he seems to think I've reached that point," she murmured and Barry rubbed her arm. She drew strength from that.

"However, he said if I could put on at least ten pounds over the next month, he'll consider dropping the subject," she added.

"Do you think you can do that, sweetheart?" Barry asked her softly and she thought about it. Could she?

Sighing, she shook her head.

"No," she whispered and closed her eyes, wondering how in the hell her life had gotten so out of control.

"I don't want to go to a treatment center, Barry," she exclaimed and he cradled her cheek in his hand.

"We'll consider that a last resort. If you're willing to _try_ and get better on your own, I'll be here every step of the way," he promised. She knew it was going to require a lot of effort to eat, knew she'd want to give up some days, probably every day, but she wanted to get better. If not for herself, then for Barry at least.

"Alright, she whispered as she leaned into his touch. Barry stroked his thumb across her cheek bone before leaning in for a sweet kiss.

"So, we'll call dinner done, and then try again with breakfast tomorrow," he murmured and she hummed in agreement, knowing it was the best option she was going to get if she wanted to stay out of a treatment center.

 **Author's note:** I was listening to "Look After You" by The Fray while writing this chapter and it provided me with all the feels. Enjoy!


	30. Chapter 30

Caitlin woke up the next morning to a growling stomach and smiled momentarily before frowning. She wasn't supposed to be happy about an empty stomach, not if she wanted to avoid being in a treatment facility. Sighing, she got out of bed, went to her bathroom and took care of everything that needed to be done in there, before making her way back to her bedroom. After sliding on some jeans and a t-shirt, she made her way downstairs, slipping her sweater on over her shoulders as she went.

Once she made it downstairs and into the kitchen, she spotted Barry at the table, drinking his coffee.

"Couldn't sleep?" Caitlin asked softly as she poured her own cup and sat down next to him.

"I think I just slept myself out," he murmured and she nodded her head before taking a sip of the much needed liquid. They didn't say anything else for a few moments as they each enjoyed the morning quiet. Eventually Barry looked at her and smiled.

"Think you're up for some toast and eggs?" Barry asked softly and Caitlin swallowed nervously.

"J-just a small serving?" Caitlin asked and he nodded his head.

"Just a small serving," he verified and she sighed before nodding,

"Alright," she agreed quietly and they both got up and worked together to make the food. Once again, Caitlin found herself smiling at how easily they worked together. It all just felt so domestic and….natural, something that took her completely by surprise. She didn't comment on it, either, not wanting to scare him off. Once the food was ready and served, Caitlin and Barry sat down and began eating. Barry matched her pace, despite how slow she was going and her protests against it. He shook his head each time she tried to get him to eat his food while it was still warm.

"I told you I was going to be with you every step of the way, sweetheart," he murmured and she just looked at him.

"If that means you eat your food slow, I eat my food slow, too," he added and she was left wondering once again what she had done to deserve this man in her life. She smiled gratefully.

"Thank you," she murmured as she scooped up another piece of egg and popped it into her mouth. She chewed it as much as she dared before washing it down with a long sip of coffee. Caitlin worked incredibly hard to keep the grimace off her face as she ate, knowing that it wasn't going to help her at all. Eventually, both plates were cleared of food and Barry nodded his head approvingly.

"Good job, baby," he murmured and she sat at the table as she drummed her fingers against it, feeling antsy to get to the bathroom and expel it.

He stilled her fingers when he placed his hand over hers' and smiled gently at her.

"Try not to beat yourself up for eating a meal," he murmured and she sighed; he knew her too well.

"I just feel so _guilty_ ," she muttered and Barry ran his thumb along her knuckles comfortingly.

"I know you do, baby, but I would feel just as guilty if not more if you had skipped another meal," he murmured and she stared at him for a long moment before nodding.

"You're right, I know you're right," she replied softly and he squeezed her hand before brushing his lips across her forehead.

"How about we get some school work done today? That way, we're not behind when we head back next week?" Barry asked and she hummed her agreement. They both went upstairs and retrieved their bags, with Barry actually walking with her to her room.

"I know what you're doing, Barry," she stated and he looked at her.

"What am I doing?" Barry asked and she rolled her eyes.

"You're making sure I don't go to the bathroom, aren't you?" Caitlin asked and Barry bit his lip.

"Guilty," he murmured and she swatted his shoulder playfully.

"I know it's only because you care," she replied softly.

"Absolutely, sweetheart," he said gently and the conversation was left there as they made their way back down the stairs with their book bags and school work in tow.

Once they had set up all of their schoolwork at the table, they began working on their homework and assignments, not speaking much except to check in with how the other person was doing. About two hours later Caitlin found herself needing another cup of coffee. She made one for herself and one for Barry and had just sat back down when her mother appeared.

"Hey, mom," she murmured and Jane stared at their table.

"What are you guys doing?" Jane asked and Caitlin shrugged.

"Homework," she replied.

"They give it to you a semester in advance?" Jane asked incredulously and Caitlin frowned as she glanced at Barry.

"No, mom, this is homework that's due next week, when we go back," she murmured and Jane stared at her.

"You're going back after only being home for three weeks?" Jane demanded and Caitlin truly had lost track of time.

"We've already been here for three weeks?" Caitlin checked with Barry and he nodded his head.

She looked back at her mother.

"Yes, mom, we were only granted three weeks off if we had wanted to be able to finish the semester," she said quietly and Jane blinked.

"You didn't take the semester off?" Jane asked and folded her arms across her chest. Caitlin suddenly felt like she had been transported back to times when her mother would judge her for things out of her control. Barry squeezed her knee under the table and cleared his throat.

"No, Ms. Snow, we couldn't if we wanted to stay on track," he stated.

"I get it for you, but Caitlin, why didn't you ask for a whole semester off?" Jane's voice raised and Caitlin could tell it was taking every ounce of her mother's control to not completely shout at her. Sighing, Caitlin pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Mom, if I had to take a semester off, I'd just have to repeat the whole semester. Dad wouldn't have wanted that," she murmured and Jane turned red.

"Don't you dare talk about your father," she snapped and Caitlin shook her head.

"I'm sorry," she murmured and she was, she didn't mean to make her mom mad.

Jane stared at her for a moment longer before jerking her head towards the front door.

"Get out," she said quietly and Caitlin blinked.

"What?" Caitlin asked.

"Get. Out." Jane repeated and Caitlin stood up.

"Mom, don't, you need me here," she said softly but Jane shook her head.

"I don't need you here if you're not willing to be here for as long as I need you," Jane argued and Caitlin blinked back tears.

"Don't do this, mom," she muttered but Jane was adamant.

"Get your stuff packed and leave. I don't want you here anymore," she said and left the room. Caitlin stared after her for a long moment before turning to Barry, completely overwhelmed with what had just occurred. He simply stood up and hugged her.

"Let's get our stuff packed, baby," he murmured and she nodded her head. She knew it would be pointless to try to convince her mom to let them stay for that final week; she wasn't even sure if she wanted to at this point. Looked like her mother wasn't capable of being nice for too long, something that greatly disappointed Caitlin.


	31. Chapter 31

After they had packed up and left, Caitlin found she didn't have much to say on the drive back. She stared out of the window, feeling Barry's eyes on her every once in a while, but still couldn't bring herself to say anything, She didn't know _what_ to say. Her only living parent had just kicked her out of the house, proving, yet again, that Caitlin wasn't good enough. She sighed as she pressed her forehead against the window, hoping to ease some of the tension that popped up along her neck and shoulders.

"What are you thinking about?" Barry's gentle voice broke into her thoughts and she blinked as she looked at him. She shrugged a shoulder.

"Nothing amazing," she murmured and watched as he took one hand off the wheel and gripped her hand tightly.

"I still want to hear about it, sweetheart, if you'll tell me," he said softly and she thought about it before nodding her head in agreement.

"Just how once again, I'm proving myself to be a disappointment," she muttered and Barry squeezed her hand, chancing a glance at her before looking back at the road.

"You're definitely not a disappointment and that's the last time I want to hear you say that, alright?" Barry replied and Caitlin sighed.

"Bar-"she began but he cut her off before she had a chance to say anything else.

"No, listen to me, Caitlin," he murmured, "You're not a disappointment. You're _not_. Just because your mother was expecting something other than you could provide does not make you a disappointment, do you understand me?"

Caitlin stared at him for a long moment before exhaling shakily.

"Yes," she whispered and she did believe that, deep down. He squeezed her hand again and then interlocked their fingers.

"Good," he murmured and nothing else was said for the rest of the drive. Once they made it back to campus and had gotten out of the car, Caitlin smiled.

"Feels good to be home," she said softly and Barry mirrored her smile.

"Yeah, it does, baby," he agreed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder. She leaned back into him and sighed contentedly as the quiet enveloped her for a few moments. They stood like that, each lost in thought before the pinging of Caitlin's phone startled them out of their peaceful moment. Glancing down, she laughed fondly at the text message from Cisco.

 _Caitlin, I can literally see your car from where I'm at on the campus. If you and that ridiculously charming boyfriend of yours' are not at the coffee shop in ten minutes, I'm no longer letting you decide which ice cream we eat with our Walking Dead marathons –Cisco_

Barry laughed out loud as she read the text to him and rolled his eyes.

"We better go if you ever have the hope of eating mint chocolate chip ice cream again," he said and she nodded her head.

"Let's just drop our stuff off at my dorm really quick and then you can get it when you head back to your dorm tonight?" Caitlin checked and he agreed, so they passed by her dorm first and deposited their stuff before making their way to the coffee house. As if on cue, Cisco came bounding up to them.

"Thank God you guys are here, don't ever leave me for three weeks again," he sighed dramatically as he placed a kiss on Caitlin's cheek and she giggled.

"Sorry, Cisco," she smiled warmly and he returned it before jerking his head to a table.

"I may have ordered your coffees for you. We're over here," he stated and Caitlin rolled her eyes as she allowed herself to be dragged to the table.

Once she was sitting down, she took a long sip of her coffee and hummed happily.

"God, I missed you," she whispered to her cup and glanced up when she heard Cisco and Barry laughing.

"What? I have," she shrugged her shoulder and they only laughed harder. Ignoring them, she went back to drinking her coffee until Cisco asked her a direct question.

"How was your mom?" Cisco asked hesitantly and she shrugged.

"Good until she found out I was only staying for three weeks. Then turned back into the piece of work I know her to be," she replied bluntly and Cisco winced at her tone as Barry rubbed her arm soothingly.

She sighed.

"Sorry Cisco, I didn't mean to snap," Caitlin apologized softly but Cisco shook his head.

"That's the last time I want to hear you apologizing for something your mother did," he replied firmly and she accepted that. She knew that out of everyone, Cisco knew her mother best, meaning he knew how awful she could be with just a few words. Sighing, she dipped her head gratefully in his direction.

"Thank you," she murmured and he smiled softly.

"How did, I mean did you….eat?" Cisco asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"As much as I could," she replied and he didn't ask any more about it, nor did she talk any more about it. They left it alone for the rest of the night, which, was a surprisingly short one.

About an hour later, Caitlin couldn't stop yawning.

"S-sorry, guys, I'm just exhausted," she mumbled as she felt her eyes start drooping. Barry looked at her and nodded his head.

"I think it's best if we just grab an early night tonight," he added and Cisco agreed. They threw away their trash and made their way back to their Caitlin and Cisco's dorm. Once there, Caitlin leaned against the door tiredly as Barry and Cisco talked for a few more moments. Then Barry was next to her, cradling her cheek in his hand.

"Night, baby," he murmured and she blinked her eyes open.

"Night," she replied softly and brushed her lips across his. He then brushed his across her forehead, cheek, and nose before ending at the corner of her mouth. She laughed softly.

"Get some sleep tonight, alright? I'll get my stuff tomorrow," Barry said and she nodded her head.

"Sleep," she muttered and he laughed quietly and he dropped his hand from her cheek.

"Cisco, make sure she gets to her dorm, alright?" Caitlin heard Barry ask and Cisco must've agreed cause next thing she knew, they were walking to her dorm. Once there, she paused outside of the door and smiled at Cisco.

"Night," she murmured.

"Night, Cait, see you in the morning," he replied and she let herself into her room. A quick glance around told her Lisa wasn't anywhere to be seen. Good, she had something she wanted to do before she fell asleep. Pulling the scale down, she got on it and waited for the numbers to settle. 99. She was back down to the 90's but she wasn't sure how when she had consumed as much food as she had. However, she wasn't going to challenge it and just set out to make it to 90 over the next two weeks, Barry's wishes for her to eat more be damned. Afterwards, she climbed into bed and let sleep overcome her as she smiled at her new plan.

 **Author's note:** Just updating this one today. No updates tomorrow (probably), and then I'll be back on Saturday! Hope you enjoy!


	32. Chapter 32

Caitlin woke the next morning with fresh determination. Not only would she work harder with her diet and exercise, but she would also push herself harder in her classes. She had to be the absolute best and she wasn't going to achieve that by just sitting there, doing nothing. She glanced at Lisa's bed to find it empty and then at the clock on her nightstand. Five thirty in the morning. She had to be ready by seven. That gave her half an hour at the gym. Not the best but she wasn't going to question what she was being gifted with. She got out of bed and hastily rushed around, getting her gym outfit on and was all but flying out the door and down the stairs. She made it to the gym in record time and quickly walked over to her favorite cardio machine. She stayed on it for the full half hour and then looked down at the numbers on the screen. 350 calories, 100 fat calories. Sighing, she knew she'd have to go back to waking up several hours earlier than her alarm if she wanted to get back into the gym.

She left and quickly made her way back to her dorm and into the showers. None of the other girls were in there yet, leaving her to choose the shower she wanted. She let the hot water loosen some of the stiffness in her muscles and enjoyed the shower as much as she dared, considering her time crunch. When she finished, she headed back to her room to find Lisa still nowhere in sight. She slipped on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt from her high school days. It was a little tight on her during that time but now it hung loosely around her frame. It still wasn't enough to make her happy. She slid her feet into her flats and then grabbed her sweater before walking out of the room. She'd studied her appearance tomorrow morning, after she got her full hour at the gym. When she got downstairs she spotted Cisco and Barry waiting for her and made her way to them, sliding her bag up over her shoulder.

"Hey guys," she greeted them and they smiled warmly at her.

"Breakfast?" Cisco asked and Caitlin worked hard to keep the frown off her face as she internally cringed. She shook her head.

"I can't this morning," she murmured and Barry turned his eyes on her.

"Why not?" Barry asked softly and there was the accompanying gentleness. Caitlin thought fast.

"I have to go see Drew about setting up a new appointment now that I'm back," she said and Barry bought the story without hesitation.

"Alright, that's fair enough," he replied and she breathed a sigh of relief. She jerked her head towards the door.

"Let's go, I have time to grab a quick cup of coffee before I have to leave," she added and both guys nodded their heads. Caitlin led the way out of the dorm block and to the coffee shop where she stepped into line and waited for her turn, one ear listening to her boyfriend and friends' conversation. When it was finally her turn, she smiled at the girl behind the counter as she ordered a tall, black coffee.

After a quick glance at her watch she realized she had an exact hour before classes started. Perfect.

She took a sip of her coffee before looking at Barry.

"I have to go speak to Drew now, but I'll see you in Professor Wells' class, okay?" Caitlin asked softly, praying the Barry wouldn't volunteer to go with her. Luckily for her, he simply smiled at her and brushed his lips across her forehead before sending her on her way. She walked the long way to her car so he wouldn't see her going in the opposite direction of the student therapy center. She hated lying to Barry but knew he would do everything in his power to stop her from going to her real destination. She made it to her car and quickly backed out of the parking garage and was leaving campus in a little under two minutes. Since it was still relatively early in the morning, Caitlin didn't come across any traffic as she drove to the main grocery store of campus. Once there, she hurried inside and directly to the vitamin aisle. After a few moments of determined searching, she found the bottle she was looking for. After picking it up and studying it for a moment, Caitlin smiled softly at the diet pill bottle she was holding. She knew she was crossing into a whole new territory of dieting now but the bottle did say it'd help curb her hunger. She figured if she took one pill at each meal, she wouldn't need to eat as frequently as Barry tried to make her. Smirking slightly, she went to go check out and leave the store, a trip that took less than twenty minutes. Once back on campus, she realized she still had about twenty minutes until class started so decided to go actually talk to Drew.

Once inside the therapy center, she spotted Drew talking to the receptionist. As if sensing her, he turned around and smiled at her.

"Hello, Caitlin," he said and she smiled at him.

"Hey, Drew," she replied.

He looked at his watch before looking at her.

"I have about five minutes until my next appointment but do you want to make an appointment for later this week?" Drew asked and she nodded her head. She refused to talk about her habits with food but it'd be nice to talk about her anxiety and how her mom had seemed to bring the worst of it out.

"I'd like that," she responded and he nodded his head.

"Good, Thursday? I have a session available at ten," he stated and she hummed her agreement.

"That sounds good," she said and he waved his goodbye before heading into his office. She walked out of the center and briskly walked towards the physics building, popping a diet pill as she went, knowing that she had everything back under her control, exactly where she needed it.


	33. Chapter 33

The day of Caitlin's therapy session dawned bright and early for her when her alarm went off at four in the morning. She shut it off quickly before it could disturb Lisa too much and got out of bed. She hurriedly put on her gym outfit before tying her shoes and leaving her dorm. She ran all the way to the gym, to help get her heart pumping faster, and right up to her favorite cardio machine. She got on quickly and began her workout, pushing herself as hard as she could over the course of the hour. When her time was up, she looked down at the machine and smiled happily. Five hundred calories were burned, along with three hundred and twenty fat calories. She was definitely pleased with _those_ numbers. Stepping off the machine and back onto the ground, Caitlin willed for her legs to stop shaking as fast as they could. Soon enough, they were back to normal and she was making her way back to her dorm, where she eased herself in and spotted Lisa still asleep. Good. She headed to the shower a few moments later, getting ready to begin her day.

After she was showered and dressed for the day, she went back to her room to greet Lisa, who was on her way to the showers, before digging around in her school bag. After a couple of moments, she found what she was looking for and pulled out her diet pills. She had already thrown the label away the day she bought them and had no problem telling people they were vitamins if they asked. She tossed one in her mouth and grabbed her sweater, before slinging her bag over her shoulder and walking out of the room. Once she made it down to the dorm block, she spotted Barry and Cisco and made her way over to them.

"Morning," she greeted softly before kissing Barry gently. He locked their fingers together and brushed his lips across her forehead when they pulled apart.

"Moring, sweetheart," he murmured.

"You two are disgustingly sweet," Cisco rolled his eyes and Caitlin laughed.

"I'm taking that as a compliment," she replied and Cisco rolled his eyes again.

"Coffee?" Barry asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Coffee," she agreed.

They made their way to the coffee shop, talking quietly amongst themselves, with Cisco officially inviting Barry to join in on their Walking Dead marathons. Caitlin beamed as she nodded her head.

"You have to come," she exclaimed and Barry laughed at her enthusiasm.

"Alright," he said and she squeezed his hand.

Once they made it to the coffee shop, they waited for their turn before walking up and placing their orders. Caitlin opted out of ordering a bagel this morning to please her boyfriend and Cisco, something the two guys picked up on immediately.

"Sweetheart, no bagel?" Barry asked quietly and she shook her head.

"I actually have an appointment with Drew in about fifteen minutes, I only have time to grab a cup of coffee before I have to run," she replied and they bought her reasoning easily and dropped the subject.

Soon enough, she was saying her goodbyes and making her way out of the shop and towards the student help center. Once there, she made her way in and signed in with the receptionist who informed her Drew's current session was wrapping up and that he'd be with her shortly. She nodded her head and went and sat down, taking a sip of coffee as she waited. Not even five minutes later, Drew was calling her into his office and she walked in more confidently than she did when she first went to see him.

"Hello, Caitlin," Drew smiled at her.

"Hi, Drew," Caitlin greeted him back as she slipped her bag off her shoulder and sat down on the chair facing his desk. She crossed her legs and took a sip of her coffee, waiting for him to begin the session.

"So, last time we saw each other, you had told me you felt like you were starting to get a better handle on your anxiety," Drew murmured and she nodded her head.

"Yes, I do believe that. I feel like the anti-anxiety medication you gave me helps me when it gets too overwhelming but for the most part, I'm able to combat it pretty well," she replied softly and he smiled at her.

"That's a far cry from how you first felt about it and I think that's the most that we can ask for as far as progress goes," Drew said and she laughed quietly.

"Yes, I suppose so," she agreed. She thought over her days since she had been back since her father's funeral and sighed.

"There's a reason I haven't been back to therapy since four weeks ago," she muttered and Drew indicated that she should continue. She took a steadying breathe and willed herself not to cry.

"My father died," she whispered and wanted to slap herself when the first traitorous tear fell over. Drew simply handed her a tissue which she gratefully accepted.

"I want to extend my deepest condolences," Drew said softly and she nodded her head in thanks. It took her a moment to gather herself before looking at Drew and sighing.

"The school only said they could give me three weeks off if I didn't want to have to repeat the semester and my mom, well, she wasn't happy with that," Caitlin muttered as another tear fell. Drew frowned at her.

"Mind me asking what she said?" Drew asked quietly and Caitlin thought about it before shaking her head.

"No. It was just something along the lines of I should've taken off the entire semester to be with her. I felt…I felt like a failure," she murmured and Drew nodded her head.

"When we lose a loved one, it's easy to lash out at those closest to us. I know you never really had the ideal relationship a mother and daughter should have, but I'd be willing to bet your mother was just feeling lonely and angry at her husband for leaving her and she was projecting it onto you," Drew said and Caitlin thought his words over.

"That makes sense," she said cautiously and it did. She had to understand how her mother was feeling right now and had to take everything she said to her with a grain of salt. Sighing, she looked back at Drew.

"How is it that I can sit down and try to make answers appear out of thin air about why my mother acts the way she does for hours but you can come up with a better answer in less than ten minutes?" Caitlin asked with a laugh and Drew shrugged a shoulder.

"Years of experience," he said and Caitlin nodded her head. That made sense.

Drew tapped his pen against his clipboard as he studied the few notes he had jotted down before looking up to Caitlin.

"How have you been eating since the news of your father's passing?" Drew asked softly and Caitlin frowned. She really didn't want to talk about eating food at the moment.

"Well, Barry made sure I ate whenever I got my mom to eat something and that was at least twice a day, so that's good," she muttered and Drew hummed in agreement.

"And how's your eating now that you're back at campus?" Drew questioned and Caitlin sighed.

"About the same," she lied and Drew studied her.

"You remember our agreement, Caitlin?" Drew asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

'I have to put on ten pounds if I don't want you to recommend a treating facility," she stated automatically and he nodded his head.

"And have you?" Drew inquired.

"I've put on about five," Caitlin lied through her teeth. Luckily, Drew bought it.

"That's better than none. I really want you to try and get that second five added on over the course of the next week and a half," he replied and Caitlin worked hard not to gasp.

"A week and a half?" Caitlin asked and he nodded his head. She bit her lip for a moment, trying to come up with an excuse as to why she needed more time to do that but finding none, she nodded her head.

"Alright," she muttered and Drew dipped his head towards her.

"Alright," he replied. The conversation was left there as their time came to a close.

"Remember, Caitlin, if you need to take your anxiety medication for whatever reason, don't hesitate to do so. It's there to help aid you during the midst of an anxious period," Drew said as he stood up and headed towards his door. She nodded her head as she followed suit.

"I will," she replied softly. She left then, with the promises of seeing him in a week before bundling her sweater tightly and around her. She had about twenty minutes until her class began so she went and got a second cup of coffee, knowing she was going to need the fuel for the day if she didn't plan on eating. Hesitating for only a moment, she quickly took out another diet pill and tossed it into her mouth, knowing that two pills to curb the hunger pains were better than one. Feeling empowered, she quickly got her coffee before making her way towards the building her class was in. Taking two pills back to back didn't mean she had the beginning of a problem and that? That was enough to allow her to keep the diet pills, which made her incredibly happy.


	34. Chapter 34

Caitlin waited until her class was over before taking her third diet pill. She wasn't worried about the rate that she was taking them at. It wasn't like she had taken five in one sitting. She swallowed it down with a sip of coffee before heading out of her class and to the library, where she really needed to spend the afternoon and well into the night studying for her test for Professor Wells. She made a detour to the coffee shop and refilled for her fuel and then headed on towards the library. She sat down at her favorite desk and pulled out all of her notes and spiral for his class and began studying, occasionally taking sips from her coffee.

About an hour into it, her phone alerted her to a new text message. Sighing, she placed her finger on the spot she was at on her page and quickly opened the text.

 _Dinner? –Cisco_

 _Already ate –Caitlin_

 _Come sit with me then –Cisco_

 _Studying for Prof. Wells' test, which I suggest you do the same –Caitlin_

Caitlin closed her phone then and pushed it to the side before picking up where she had left off. She knew that she could absolutely not get distracted from studying for this test. It was the test that decided if she could opt out of taking the last one right before the final and she really wanted to do that. After getting immersed in her studies for several hours more, Caitlin shut her book with a snap around midnight. She was absolutely exhausted but knew she still needed to at least review over her work from her other classes so pulled out those spirals and quickly went to work. About two hours later, she smiled in satisfaction as she shut her final spiral. She stretched her arms high above her head and listened as her shoulders popped. Then she put all of her things back into her bag, discarded her coffee cup, and made her way out of the library.

She tightened her sweater to ward off the chilly night and hurriedly made her way towards her dorm. Once she was safely inside of her building, she walked up the stairs quietly, legs shaking the whole time. When she made it to her floor, she tried to get her heart rate to slow down, frowning as she did so. She worked out every day, she couldn't be _that_ out of shape. Pushing the thought to the back of her mind, she walked to her dorm and eased her door open. Lisa was already asleep so she slipped in quietly and hesitated, debating on if she really needed the two hours of sleep until her alarm went off or if she should just try to work out an additional hour today. Smiling slightly, she put on her gym outfit and left just as soon as she entered.

When she reached the gym, she eagerly made her way to her favorite machine and began her work out, pushing herself harder than she ever had. By the time her hour was up, she was absolutely coated in sweat and her legs were screaming in pain. Feeling rather proud of herself, she hopped down, looking around for a new machine to get on. Her eyes landed on the treadmill and she cautiously made her way over to it before getting on it slowly. She hadn't run since her gym days in high school and had hope she'd never have to. But, times were changing. She began running at a slow pace, casually building up speed as she went. Before too long, she was running fast and was watching the calorie number climbing up. She felt tired and shaky but knew it'd be worth it by the time her hour was up. After running for the solid hour, Caitlin slowed down to a walk, breathing heavily. Her heart felt like it was trying to beat it's way out of her chest. When she had come to a complete stop and turned off the machine, she stepped down just to fall down to the ground, her ankle twisting painfully.

"Ow," Caitlin muttered as she blinked back tears. She tried to stand up slowly and promptly fell back down, her ankle not able to support her. She sat and thought for a moment, trying to decide what to do before sighing. She grabbed her phone from where it clattered onto the ground out of her hand and quickly scrolled through her contacts until she landed on Cisco. Praying that he wouldn't be mad at her, she called him.

"Hello?" Cisco answered groggily after a few rings.

"Cisco, I need your help," Caitlin muttered and she heard the bedsprings bounce and assumed he had sat up.

"Cait? Where are you and why are you calling me at four thirty in the morning?" Cisco demanded, sounding more awake. Caitlin sighed.

"I-I'm at the gym, and I twisted my ankle, and now I can't walk," she whispered, trying to will the pain away.

"You're at the gym at four thirty in the morning? I thought you stopped doing that," Cisco stated and Catlin sighed.

"Can you just come help me?" Caitlin begged and was relieved when Cisco assured her he was on his way. She kept a light hand on her ankle, trying to ease some of the pain out of it while she waited.

It wasn't too long before he was calling her again.

"Hello?" Caitlin answered quickly.

"I'm here. Problem is, I don't know where you are," Cisco replied.

"Towards the back, by the treadmills," Caitlin said through a wince.

"On my way," Cisco assured her and she hung up. Not even two minutes later she saw Cisco running towards her.

"Okay, hey Cait, hey," he murmured as he dropped down to his knees next to her.

"Let me see your ankle," he said gently as he coaxed her to move her hand away from it.

He winced at how swollen it was.

"God," Cisco muttered and Caitlin breathed deeply through the pain.

"Alright, I'm going to have to get you up, okay?" Cisco asked and she shook her head hurriedly.

"No, it'll hurt too much," she muttered but Cisco was already wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Just real fast, on the count of three," he encouraged and she took a deep breath before nodding her head and gritting her teeth.

"One, two, three…"Cisco counted out and helped her stand up.

"Ah!" Caitlin gasped as she stood on her foot. She immediately lifted it up and balanced herself on her left leg.

"We've got to get you to the nurse's center," Cisco said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright," she breathed out. Luckily, the nurse's center wasn't more than a couple of minutes away from the gym and Cisco helped Caitlin hobble her way towards it. Once there, he eased her down in a chair and signed her in with the night shift nurse. Since she was the only one there, she was called back relatively quickly.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Cisco asked. Caitlin shook her head.

"I'll be fine," she murmured and they put her in a wheel chair and wheeled her down the hall, to the x ray department.

After getting x rays, they wheeled her back to a room and she waited, with nothing but her painful ankle to keep her company. Thankfully, the nurse walked in only a few moments later and smiled at her.

"Caitlin, right?" The nurse asked and she nodded her head.

"Emily. Let's talk about your x-rays. Luckily, your ankle isn't broken but it is a severe sprain. You're going to have to stay in a boot for about three weeks," Emily said and Caitlin stared at her.

"But I can still work out right?" Caitlin asked desperately.

"It's best to let the ankle heal completely before you work out again. Is that what happened this morning?" Emily asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"You were working out at four in the morning?" Emily checked and Caitlin felt herself grow warm.

"Uh, yeah, couldn't sleep," she muttered.

"How often do you work out and for how long?" Emily asked.

"About an hour every day," Caitlin replied.

"And do you eat enough to balance your workout schedule?" Emily asked and Caitlin swallowed nervously.

"Yes," she whispered and Emily frowned but didn't push the topic.

"The x-ray shows that your bone and the surrounding muscles are pretty weak," Emily commented and Caitlin cringed. She definitely did not want to be having this discussion.

"I..uh…." Caitlin trailed off and Emily held up a hand.

"It's fine Caitlin," she said gently, "you're not the first student I've seen in here with an eating disorder. Are you talking to one of the on campus counselors?"

"Drew," Caitlin muttered and Emily nodded her head.

"He's one of the best. You're going to have to explain your injury to him and I'll bet he's going to have to give you some advice about it but as far as my advice for you? Rest, ice, elevation, and food." Emily replied. Caitlin sighed and nodded her head.

"Thanks," she murmured and waited for Emily to fit the boot on her. When she was done, she walked around, testing out how much weight she could put on her ankle. Luckily, all of the boot held the weight and her ankle didn't take any of the pain. When she made it outside, she spotted Barry with Cisco and frowned.

"Barry?" Caitlin asked and he whipped his head around and stood up.

"God, Cait, are you alright?" Barry asked softly as he walked towards her. She nodded her head.

"You didn't have to come, you know," she murmured but he shook his head fiercely.

"Like hell I wasn't coming," he countered and she dropped it. She walked over to the nurse's desk and handed over the pain medication prescription Emily had ordered for her.

After all was said and done, the three of them made their way out and headed towards Caitlin's dorm.

"I already emailed Wells to let him know what happened. He said take today off and take it easy," Cisco said and Caitlin felt her eyes go round.

"I can't miss his class," she exclaimed nervously and Barry squeezed her hand.

"One day off is alright, baby," he murmured and she looked between the two of them before sighing.

"Alright, please get any work I miss and tell him I'll be studying all day," she replied and they nodded.

Once they reached the dorm, Barry looked at Cisco who nodded his head.

"I'm going to go get ready," he murmured and left them alone. Caitlin looked at Barry uneasily.

"What?" Caitlin asked softly.

"Why were you at the gym at four this morning, baby?" Barry asked gently and Caitlin closed her eyes before sighing.

"I needed to work out," she murmured.

"But you got hurt," Barry stated.

"I know," she replied.

"When's your next appointment with Drew?" Barry asked.

"Next Tuesday," she sighed and he nodded his head.

"Will you promise me something?" Barry asked quietly and she studied him before nodding her head softy.

"Will you promise me to tell him exactly how you hurt yourself?" Barry asked.

"Yes," she said in a trembling voice and he brushed his lips across her forehead.

"Thank you," he breathed out and she sighed. She was in trouble.


	35. Chapter 35

Caitlin spent the day in bed, with her ankle propped up on a pillow, studying as much as she could. Barry would text her in between his classes to check up on her and she smiled at each text she got. He really was a caring boyfriend. At around noon, he sent her a text saying he brought her lunch and it was the first time that his text messages didn't make her smile. Frowning, she sighed unhappily as she tried to think of a way around this. Her phone binged again.

 _Sweetheart, its alright, I promise. Please come hobble your beautiful face downstairs and eat lunch with me._ –Barry.

Knowing that he wasn't going to leave any time soon, Caitlin eased herself out of her bed and swallowed down a diet pill before hobbling out of her room and down to the elevator. When she reached the lobby in her dorm she spotted Barry standing outside with coffee and what looked like sandwiches. She hobbled over to the door and let him in.

"Hey, sweetheart," he murmured and winced when he saw how badly she was limping. He set down their food by the couches that were in the lobby with a quick "stay there", and then made his way back over to her before wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Let me help you," he said softly.

"You don't have to," Caitlin replied.

"I want to, baby," Barry said gently and if that didn't make her heart flutter, she didn't know what would. She allowed him to help walk her to the couch and ease her down gently. He then propped her boot up on a couple of pillows that he placed on his lap.

"Better?" Barry asked quietly.

"Much," Caitlin breathed out as she nodded her head.

She watched him pick up the food back and hand one of the sandwiches to her.

"Turkey, cheese, a few vegetables, packed between two pieces of whole wheat bread. Practically screaming healthy," Barry murmured as she inspected the sandwich. She sighed as she took a small bite and chewed slowly.

"I can probably only eat about half of this," she mumbled and Barry nodded his head.

"That's alright, baby," he murmured and she smiled as much as she could. Once again, Barry matched her eating pace even though he had an afternoon class to get to.

"Barry, you're going to be late," she muttered but he shrugged a shoulder.

"Who cares, I have an A in that class and the professor tolerates me and he doesn't tolerate anyone; figured one day late wasn't going to break me," Barry replied matter of fact and Caitlin just rolled her eyes fondly. Nothing more was said until they had both eaten their food. Caitlin knew there was no way Barry was going to let her expel the food from her system so just pulled out her bottle of diet pills.

"What are those?" Barry asked quickly with a frown and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"Vitamins," she replied nonchalantly and Barry looked at the bottle warily.

"Why don't they have a label, sweetheart?" Barry asked and she could've sworn he knew exactly what they were but wanted her to admit it.

"I took it off," she replied in a voice of forced calmness, hoping he couldn't hear the trembling behind her words. He stared at the bottle for a long moment, then up to her face, which she hoped was impassive, before nodding his head.

"Alright," he replied and she smiled tightly as she took the diet pill and swallowed it. She did a quick count and realized this was the sixth one she had had that day alone and vowed to slow down a bit. She didn't want to end up in the hospital due to heart complications or something. Barry studied her as she took a sip of coffee.

"Well, since they're vitamins, you only need to take one once a day, correct?" Barry asked and Caitlin felt like he was still attempting to call her out on a lie. Painting a smile on her face, she nodded her head.

"Yes, one a day," she replied and Barry mirrored her smile.

"Good," he murmured and the conversation was left there, leaving Caitlin to breathe out a sigh of relief. Barry glanced at his watch and looked at Caitlin apologetically.

"I've got to go, baby," he said softly and she nodded her head.

"Alright, I'll walk you out and then head back upstairs. Thanks for lunch," she murmured, trying to ignore the rapid beating of her heart. She wasn't sure _why_ it was beating so fast but she knew she needed it to calm down. She walked him to the entrance of her dorm and took a deep breath, hoping it'd help slow her frantic heart.

"Are you alright, sweetheart? You look kind of anxious," Barry murmured and she nodded her head.

"I'm fine, probably need to cool it on the coffee," she muttered and he laughed.

"You? For shame," he replied and Caitlin swatted his shoulder playfully.

"Oh, quiet," she laughed and he caught her hand and held it before brushing his lips across her forehead.

"Take it easy the rest of the night, alright?" Barry asked softly and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Just a bit more studying," she promised and Barry kissed her forehead again and held his lips there for a moment.

"God, I can hear your heart from here," he muttered with a frown and Caitlin felt her cheeks heat up.

"Are you _sure_ you're alright, sweetheart?" Barry asked and Caitlin tried to nod her head but suddenly it felt like her brain was caught between two pieces of thick cotton.

"I-I'm alright," she stuttered out, trying to calm her heart down.

 _What_ was going on with her? She blinked a couple of times and stared around. Barry placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it.

"How many diet pills did you take?" Barry asked softly and she cut her eyes to him.

"H-how did you know?" Caitlin whispered and Barry shrugged.

"I just did. Now how many, baby?" Barry asked and she sighed.

"S-six, today," she muttered as her heart continued to try and jump out of her chest.

" _Six_?" Barry demanded incredulously.

"And how many yesterday?" Barry asked hurriedly and she felt her knees give out. He caught her before she could fall.

"Stay with me, sweetheart," he murmured as he helped her up.

"How many yesterday?" Barry asked in a rush as he yanked out his cell phone and called someone.

"Five," she whispered, eyes already closing.

"You mean to tell me you took eleven diet pills in the course of twenty-four hours? God, baby," Barry groaned and Caitlin felt black pinpricks pop along her vision.

"It-it probably didn't help to add a lot of coffee to that mix," she muttered before the darkness took over completely and she welcomed it with open arms.

Author's note: Just a short one because my laptop keeps crashing on me and I have to wait to get my new one later today. But, I shall be back tomorrow! Hope you enjoy! Spells will be updated soon, along with the .me/view_ ?member_id=1276009 final chapter of AOSIL. XOXO


	36. Chapter 36

Caitlin wasn't sure how long she drifted in and out of consciousness but it wasn't too long before she awoke with a start. She glanced around, taking in her surroundings, and realized she was in a hospital. Glancing to her left she saw Barry sitting right next to her.

"Barry?" Caitlin asked in confusion, trying to remember what happened.

"Hey, baby," he murmured and she frowned.

"What…what happened?" Caitlin asked, feeling tired and out of it. He sighed as he ran a hand through her hair.

"You passed out after taking _eleven_ diet pills in under twenty-four hours," he muttered and she felt ashamed.

"I-I'm sorry," she murmured and looked down. It was then that she realized there was a strap next to her wrist, wrapped around the railing around her hospital bed. Her wrist wasn't wrapped in it but she was still confused. Barry followed her line of sight and squeezed her hand.

"I need you to listen to me, Caitlin," he said urgently and she looked at him.

"The doctors said you're severely underweight and are talking about having to feed you through a tube if you resist help," he said and Caitlin felt her heart thump unevenly.

"W-what?" Caitlin whispered, horrified. Barry rubbed his thumb against her forehead.

"Baby, _please._ Don't resist treatment," he whispered and she blinked back tears. Just then a doctor walked in and Caitlin turned her eyes on her.

"Afternoon, Caitlin. I'm Abby, the head doctor on your treatment plan," Abby said and Caitlin immediately figured out this woman wasn't someone you crossed. Caitlin nodded her head nervously.

"Hello," she said softly and Abby stood at the foot of her bed. She looked at Barry before looking at Caitlin, wordlessly asking if she could talk to her in front of him. Caitlin nodded her head shakily.

"Alright, Caitlin, let's cut to the chase. You're a woman of about a 5'5" height and your weight is around 95 pounds. That's not healthy and I think you know that," Abby stated plainly and Caitlin gulped.

"You're right, I-I do know that but-," she trailed off as Abby shook her head.

"No buts," she replied firmly and Caitlin sighed. She looked at the restraint wrapping around her bed rail again and then back up at Abby, feeling terrified. Abby sighed.

"Look Caitlin, I don't want to have to restrain you and force feed you through a tube, but I will, if that's what it comes down to," Abby said and Caitlin blinked back tears. Barry held her hand tightly.

"Is there any way around that?" Barry asked softly and not for the first time, Caitlin wondered why he was still with her.

"Certainly," Abby replied, "Caitlin goes to an inpatient treatment facility."

Caitlin felt her heart drop.

"I-I can't do that, I have classes to attend," she pleaded but Abby just shook her head.

"Your health is more important to me than your college experience," she replied and Caitlin sighed. Barry squeezed her hand.

"How long would she have to stay there?" Barry asked.

"The minimum requirement is a month. Then, depending on if she's complying with the rules they have and has put on enough weight, she can leave. If not, they'll extend her stay to however long they see fit," Abby stated and Barry nodded his head before looking at Caitlin, who had tears rolling down her cheeks. He wiped them away softly.

"Baby, I think it's the best option we're going to get," he murmured and she just continued to cry. Barry looked at her with a pained expression before glancing up at Abby.

"Can we have a few moments?" Barry asked quietly and Abby studied Caitlin before nodding her head.

"Sure, I'll go prepare her lunch," she said softly and for the first time, Caitlin felt like she had dropped her icy exterior and was dealing with a nicer person. She walked out of the room and shut the door softly.

Barry wordlessly got into the bed next to Caitlin and she laid her head on his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. He didn't seem to mind.

"Tell me where your head is at, sweetheart," he murmured as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and held her tightly.

"I feel like I-I don't e-even have a choice," Caitlin muttered and Barry rubbed her shoulder.

"Baby, it's just for a month. If you follow their rules and show them that you're willing to get better, they'll have you out of there in no time," he soothed.

"What about school?" Caitlin whispered and Barry continued to rub her shoulder.

"Cisco and I can talk to all of your professors, see if they can give you extensions on your work. They should since you're probably the best student in each of their classes," he murmured and she nodded her head. She wiped at her tears fiercely.

"A-alright," she breathed out and Barry looked at her.

"Alright you'll go?" Barry asked hopefully and she sighed before nodding her head.

"Yes. I've made a mess of things and my life and it's time I get back on track," she muttered and Barry kissed her forehead.

"Thank you, sweetheart," he murmured and she nodded as she snuggled into his chest.

"How's your ankle feeling?" Barry asked softly a few moments later.

"Hurts but nothing unmanageable," she replied with a shrug and he squeezed her shoulder. The conversation was left there for a few moments before Caitlin peeked up at Barry.

"Will you come visit me?" Caitlin asked hesitantly.

"Every time you're allowed to have a visitor," Barry replied quickly and Caitlin smiled in relief.

"Thank you," she murmured, "I don't know what've I done to have gotten so lucky to have you in my life. Or why you've stuck around this long when you've had every right to leave but thank you."

Barry looked at her before brushing his lips along her forehead.

"I love you. It's that simple," he murmured and she felt her heart soar.

"I love you too," she replied softly. There was a knock on her door and Abby peeked her head around when Caitlin told her to come in.

"I've brought you your lunch, Caitlin," Abby said and Caitlin looked at Barry before nodding her head firmly.

"Alright," she murmured. Abby set the tray down and Caitlin looked over the food. A sandwich, some milk, and some fruit. Sighing, she got ready to tear the sandwich in half, like she normally does, but Abby stopped her.

"You can't tear the food in half," Abby murmured and Caitlin looked at her before glancing at the sandwich and sighing.

"Alright," she muttered before taking a small bite and chewing. Abby stayed in the room with her as she ate, watching her. Caitlin felt on display and vulnerable but with Barry's constant arm around her, she ate as much of the sandwich as she could. When she had eaten all that she could, she pushed it to the side and glanced up at Abby.

"I'm through," she murmured and Abby looked at the plate.

"They'll teach you how to finish a full plate of food in treatment," she said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright," she muttered.

Abby looked between Barry and Caitlin and smiled slightly.

"I'll leave you two alone while I set up the paperwork for the treatment facility. I expect to have you admitted by tomorrow, Caitlin," Abby said and Caitlin bit her lip.

"I-I need to pack," she murmured and Abby studied her.

"Can you get anyone else to pack for you?" Abby asked and Caitlin thought about it before looking at Barry.

"Maybe Lisa can and Cisco can bring my suitcase tonight?" Caitlin asked and Barry nodded his head.

"I'll text him," Barry replied as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Caitlin watched as Abby gave her approval before leaving the room. She laid her head back on Barry's chest, trying to ignore the throbbing in her ankle. Yes, she had made a mess of things and now it was time to rectify her mistakes. Sighing, she closed her eyes as she waited for the next part of this journey to begin.


	37. Chapter 37

It didn't take Cisco long to bring Caitlin her suitcase. By the time he had arrived at the hospital, she was starting to feel tired again. He opened her door softly and peeked his head around the corner.

"Can I come in?" Cisco asked gently and she nodded from where she was laying on Barry's chest.

"Of course, Cisco," she murmured and he eased himself inside the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

"I brought you your clothes but I'm sure the nurse will need to make sure all of the extra stuff I packed can go with you into the treatment facility," he muttered and Caitlin could tell he was working hard to suppress his pain over the fact that she had to go at all.

"Oh Cisco," she murmured and he blinked his eyes rapidly.

"Eleven diet pills, Caitlin Snow? Are you insane?" Cisco demanded in a quiet voice and she had to blink back her own tears.

"I'm sorry. I need help," she muttered and Cisco stared at her for a moment longer before walking towards her and hugging her fiercely.

"At least you can finally admit it," he murmured and she laughed as tears escaped. He kissed her on her forehead before releasing her. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and held her hand tightly. Caitlin smiled softly at how safe she felt; the first time she had felt safe since her father's death. Sighing, she squeezed Cisco's hand.

"You'll come visit me, right?" Caitlin asked quietly.

"Every day," he replied with conviction. Caitlin dipped her head gratefully in his direction.

"Thank you," she murmured and he squeezed her hand.

"You don't have to thank me, Cait, we're best friends. You'd do it for me," he replied gently.

"In a heartbeat," she murmured. The conversation was left there and she felt herself drift off to sleep, head resting against her boyfriend's chest and hand being held by her best friend. She was safe.

Caitlin woke up a few hours later and heard Barry and Cisco talking.

"I just want to say thank you, for not leaving her," Cisco said quietly. She didn't open her eyes, not quite ready to alert them to the fact that she was awake.

"I'd never leave her," Barry replied softly and Caitlin felt her heart beat warmly.

"I just want you to know that she's really going to be needing us over the next few months, Cisco. We can't disappoint her; no matter how many bad days she'll have," Barry added and Cisco hummed his agreement. Deciding it was best if she got up, Caitlin started shifting around and the two men fell silent. She peeked one eye open and looked around to spot both smiling gently at her.

"Good nap, baby?" Barry asked softly and she nodded her head.

"Yes," she replied quietly and he smiled gently at her. Just then there was a light knock on her door and Abby poked her head in. She smiled slightly at the three of them before walking inside the room.

"Caitlin, you've been admitted and will be driven over to the patient facility first thing in the morning," Abby said and Caitlin sighed before nodding her head. She knew she needed help bigger than Cisco or Barry could provide her with and she was determined to get her life back on track.

"Alright," she murmured. Abby smiled encouragingly at her.

"Remember, be on your best behavior for the first month and do exactly as your doctors tell you and you'll be out of there in no time. This isn't a life sentence, Caitlin," Abby added and Caitlin knew this was her way of helping. She smiled as much as she could.

"Thanks, Abby," she replied quietly. Abby went to the hallway and rolled a tray in.

"It's dinner time," Abby stated and Caitlin felt her stomach lurch. Barry must've noticed how she had visibly tensed, because he rubbed soothing circles into her shoulder from where he sat behind her. Caitlin drew strength from that and nodded her head.

"Alright," she agreed softly and Abby brought the tray over to her. It held some spaghetti, with a small side salad and a dinner roll. Then, add a glass of milk and Caitlin was staring at some heavy carbs, minus the salad and drink.

"Is it too much of a dream to ask if I can just eat the salad?" Caitlin asked cautiously and Abby looked at her pointedly.

"I'll take that as a yes, then," Caitlin murmured as she opened her silverware. Much like she had done at lunch, Abby stayed in the room with her while she picked her way through the meal. It was harder to eat than her lunch had been and she had to force the desire to expel it out of her mind. When she had eaten as much as she dared, she pushed the plate away from her. Abby frowned but nodded nonetheless and took away the food.

"Like I said, they'll teach you how to eat an entire plate," she stated and Caitlin smiled as much as she could. That's what she was afraid of. Once Abby had rolled the tray out into the hallway and had come back into the room again, she looked at Caitlin.

"How does your ankle feel, Caitlin?" Abby asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Still hurts but I know that's because the muscles and bones are weak," she muttered and Abby nodded her head.

"You're right, but with a little time, they'll be strong again. I can give you crutches to use for the next month but you'll have to have an aid with you so you're not using them for any form of exercise," Abby said and Caitlin almost laughed.

"You're joking, right? How would I be able to exercise in a place like that?" Caitlin demanded incredulously and Abby just smiled.

"You'd be surprised what people can come up with if they're really determined," Abby murmured and Caitlin suddenly wondered if she was speaking from experience. However, it wasn't her place to ask, nor any of her business so she just promised to not use the crutches as a form of exercise and agreed to have an aid with her whenever she used them. Which, would be all the time.

Barry and Cisco were told they had about half an hour left until visiting hours were over and Caitlin frowned. Cisco agreed to go but Barry shook his head adamantly.

"No offense, but I'm not leaving my girlfriend alone the night before she goes to treatment. Give me my next option," Barry stated firmly and Abby stared at him before sighing.

"Alright, I can bring a cot in here for you to sleep on tonight. We'll make an exception considering the circumstances," Abby agreed and Barry smiled as he squeezed Caitlin's hand. Before too long, their half hour was up and Cisco was kissing her on the forehead with the promise of seeing her the instant she was allowed visitors. When it was just Barry and Caitlin again, Caitlin sat up so he could get into his cot. Once he did, they faced each other and Barry traced her upper lip soothingly.

"Tell me where your head is at, sweetheart," he encouraged softly and she sighed.

"I'm really scared about going," she admitted in a trembling voice and Barry interlocked their fingers together.

"I know you are but I'm so proud of you for admitting you need help and willing to do something about it. I'll visit you every time I'm allowed, as will Cisco. And, like Abby said, if you're on your best behavior, you only must be there for a month. It'll be okay, baby," Barry promised softly and it was that promise that eased Caitlin into a dreamless sleep, filled with hope for the first time in a long time.


	38. Chapter 38

Caitlin woke the next morning with a heavy weight on her chest. Today was the first day of her month long (hopefully) stay at the treatment facility and she wasn't sure _what_ to feel. She sighed as she glanced at Barry who was starting to wake up, too.

"Morning," he murmured without opening his eyes and she smiled as much as she could.

"Morning," she replied around the lump that had wedged itself in her throat. Barry noticed immediately and sat up.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. A month is nothing," he promised gently and she nodded as the first tear escaped.

"I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this," she muttered as she looked down at the floor.

"Look at me," Barry said softly. When she didn't comply, he placed his hand underneath her chin and titled her chin up so their eyes could meet.

"That's the last time I want to hear you apologizing for any of this, alright?" Barry whispered and Caitlin stared at him as her nose ran. She took a shuddering breath and nodded her head.

"Alright," she replied quietly, knowing there was no way to argue the point with him. Sighing, she looked up when there was a soft tap on the door and Abby poked her head in.

"Good morning, Caitlin," Abby said softly and frowned when she caught sight of her tear stained face.

"What's wrong?" Abby asked and Caitlin chuckled humorlessly.

"Everything? I'm going to a treatment facility today?" Caitlin asked and Abby nodded her head.

"You are," she confirmed, "but remember, this isn't a life sentence. This is just to get you healthy again."

Caitlin sighed as she nodded her head. She knew that. She _knew_ that. It was still hard to accept that this is what it had come to. She watched as Abby handed over a pair of her clothes.

"I grabbed an outfit out of your suitcase for you but upon hospital regulations, the patient is not actually supposed to go through their stuff until they're checked into their room," Abby said and Caitlin frowned but nodded nonetheless.

"Thank you," she said quietly. Barry helped her stand up and hobble her way to the bathroom to get dressed. It didn't take too long to appear and Barry was there to help her hobble back to the bed.

"Can…can I have my sweater? It makes me feel better…safer," Caitlin murmured and Barry squeezed her hand softly. Abby nodded her head.

"Sure, I only saw one sweater on the top so I'll go grab it and then bring your breakfast up. Then we will have ten-minute session to make sure you know how to use the crutches appropriately. Then we'll leave," Abby replied. Caitlin agreed so Abby walked out of the room and came back about ten minutes later with her sweater tucked under her arm and a breakfast tray in her hands. Caitlin sat down on her bed wordlessly and accepted the breakfast tray. She looked it over. A few pieces of bacon and some scrambled eggs. Sighing, she began to eat slowly, taking her time with the food. She ate about one fourth of the meal and pushed the plate away from her.

"Can I have some coffee?" Caitlin asked but Abby shook her head and her heart sank.

"Sorry, Caitlin, but we typically ween people who have eating disorders off coffee because they use it as food substitutes.

"But…" Caitlin trailed off as Abby shook her head again.

"Coffee is not a food group, Caitlin," Abby stated firmly and the topic was dropped.

It wasn't too long before she was saying goodbye to Barry.

"Remember baby, I'll visit you as soon as you're allowed visitors," he promised softly as he kissed her gently. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against his chest; Caitlin used him as her anchor. They waited for Abby to go get the van that would take Caitlin to the treatment facility. She sighed as she saw it pull up.

"I guess this is goodbye," Caitlin muttered. Barry shook his head.

"It's see you soon," he clarified and she smiled as much as she could. He dropped a quick kiss to her forehead before releasing her and she used her crutches to help her over to the van and eased into the front seat. She tightened her sweater around her and waved to Barry softly, who returned the wave with an encouraging smile. She took a deep breath and nodded her head as the van pulled away from the curb and Barry was soon out of her line of sight.

They pulled up to what appeared to be brick studio of some sort thirty minutes later and she frowned.

"This doesn't look like a hospital," she murmured and Abby chuckled.

"That was the goal," she said as she cut off the car. She looked at Caitlin for a moment.

"Remember, Caitlin, you can do this," she murmured.

"I can do this," she replied.

"You've already survived the hard part. Now all you must do is focus on healing," Abby said encouragingly and Caitlin smiled half a smile before unbuckling. She pulled the crutches she had place on the back seat out and climbed out of the car, while Abby went to go get her suitcase. She stared up at the studio and spotted a few people sitting on their windowsills, watching her curiously. She dropped her eyes as Abby came around the van.

"Come on, Caitlin," she said softly and Caitlin used her crutches to help aid her walk up to the door. They were greeted by a motherly looking receptionist.

"Hello, Matilda. This is Caitlin," Abby greeted her and Matilda smiled.

"Hello, Caitlin, dear," Matilda said warmly and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

"Hello," she murmured back. Matilda had Caitlin fill out some paperwork, just promising that she'd comply by the rules or she'd risk having to leave, and any allergies she may have (none). Then, once it was handed over, Matilda picked up the phone that sat on her desk and called someone.

"Charlotte? Your roommate is here, why don't you come down and greet her?" Matilda asked, listened for a moment, then clicked off the phone.

"Charlotte is on her way down, Caitlin," Matilda said and then glanced meaningfully at Abby. Abby nodded her head.

"This is where I leave you, Caitlin. However, I'll be back next week to see how you're doing and then once a week after that," she stated and Caitlin nodded her head.

"A-alright," she stuttered out. Just then a girl came bounding down the stairs.

"Hi, you must be Caitlin, I'm Charlotte. It's so nice to meet you, my last roommate was a complete bore and snored too much. I hope you don't snore, but you don't look like you snore. Not that I can judge that by how you look. Oh my god, what happened to your ankle?" Charlotte asked breathlessly and Caitlin was left feeling overwhelmed by the girl's sheer energy. She took a deep breath before painting a smile on her face.

"Hi, Charlotte, nice to meet you too. I don't think I snore. And, I fell and sprained my ankle," Caitlin replied and Charlotte bobbed her head.

"Was it because you were exercising too much?" Charlotte asked wisely and Caitlin wasn't sure how she was supposed to answer that question.

"I, uh…" she trailed off as Matilda cleared her throat.

"Charlotte, what did we say about asking too many questions?" Matilda asked and Charlotte bobbed her head again.

"Right you are, Matilda. Sorry Caitlin, I talk a lot when I meet new people. I get nervous and that's just my way of expressing it. But, you don't have to tell me how your hurt your ankle, it's none of my business," Charlotte apologized and Caitlin smiled at her.

"It's alright," she promised. Charlotte looked at Abby just then and took the suitcase out of her hands.

"C'mon, I'll show you our room. It's on the second floor," Charlotte explained and Caitlin nodded at Abby who had waved goodbye, then made her way up the stairs to begin her "not a jail sentence". She knew she was in for a long experience. Great.

Author's note: I can only update this one tonight but I hope to get to Spells tomorrow sometime. In the meantime, I posted a standalone one shot if you want to read it. Then, I'm still accepting prompts in the comments for all my other one shots. Let me know if you have any!


	39. Chapter 39

Caitlin let Charlotte show her around the place, taking in all the details of her new home for the next month. If she was lucky. She met some of the other girls and guys who slept on their floor and smiled as much as she could at each one of them. One, a brown-haired boy, appeared next to Charlotte and smiled at Caitlin.

"Hey, I'm Michael," he said softly. Caitlin nodded her head at him.

"Caitlin," she murmured and he studied her.

"Anorexia by the looks of it but I'm guessing bulimia nervosa as well?" Michael stated and Caitlin nodded sheepishly.

"Something like that," she replied softly.

"Don't worry, I'm here for bulimia, too. They want me to put on at least twenty pounds before I go home but I just constantly laugh in their faces," Michael added and Caitlin frowned.

"Isn't the reason for being here is to get better?" Caitlin questioned and he laughed.

"Oh honey, that's only if you admit to having a problem that's not actually there. You see, these doctors want us to admit that there's something wrong with us when in fact, we're perfectly fine," Michael said and Caitlin's frown intensified.

"Seems a pretty miserable way to live your life," she murmured and Charlotte bobbed her head.

"I agree with Caitlin. Besides Michael, isn't your girlfriend coming to visit later? Don't you have to get ready to see her?" Charlotte asked and Michael smiled.

"Yes, I'm about to go get ready actually. Just wanted to say hi to the new girl," he replied before looking at her.

"I'd get settled for a bumpy ride, Caitlin, it looks like you'll be here for a while," he added before turning on his foot and walking away. Caitlin gulped as she looked at Charlotte nervously.

"Don't listen to him," Charlotte soothed, "Michael makes it his goal to scare all the new faces. Just because he's been here for six months doesn't mean the rest of us are going to."

"Six months?" Caitlin asked incredulously and Charlotte bobbed her head again.

"Yep," she sighed, "he keeps refusing treatment. Will purge every day after meals even though he's got a monitor with him. He's sneaky about it."

Caitlin bit her lip. Was that going to be her in a handful of months if she refused treatment? Charlotte must've seen the worry etched across her features because she squeezed her arm gently and jerked her head down to the end of the hall.

"Our room is the last one on the right," she murmured and began walking, with Caitlin following behind her on her crutches. At long last, they reached their room and Caitlin noticed there was no door.

"No door?" Caitlin questioned and Charlotte shook her head.

"Nope, it's a security precaution," she replied and Caitlin sighed.

"Of course, it is," she muttered as she made her way into the room. Upon closer inspection, it wasn't as bad as it could've been. Two twin size beds, with one side decorated in what looked like Christmas lights and drawings. Caitlin looked at them, realizing they were all really drawn well.

"Helps pass the time," Charlotte explain and Caitlin smiled.

"You're a very good artist," she complimented and Charlotte beamed.

"Thank you," she replied before placing her suitcase down on the other bed and looking at Caitlin.

"Dinner is at six, but they'll want to do an evaluation with before then," Charlotte said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright," she murmured and Charlotte squeezed her arm again.

"It's not as terrifying as it seems," she promised and Caitlin smiled as much as she could muster. She glanced at her watch and realized she still had several hours before six, so figured her evaluation would be later. Just then, a woman in scrubs appeared.

"Caitlin Snow?" She asked gently and Caitlin nodded her head.

"I'm Ronnie, I'm here for your evaluation," she replied and Caitlin frowned.

"But it's not six yet," she replied softly and Ronnie smiled.

"I see Charlotte already filled you in on the protocol. No, I know, it's just I need to do your evaluation and then introduce you to your team of doctors," she stated and Caitlin nodded as bravely as she could.

"Alright," she said and followed Ronnie out of her room on her crutches.

Once they made their way to an empty room a little down the hallway, Ronnie held the door open for her and Caitlin made her way in.

After sitting down on two couches facing each other, Ronnie smiled at Caitlin.

"So, Caitlin, first things first: welcome." Ronnie stated and Caitlin worked hard to suppress the eye roll that wanted to emerge.

"Thank you," she murmured.

"You know this isn't forever, right?" Ronnie asked and Caitlin laughed softly.

"You sound like my other doctor," she replied and Ronnie smiled.

"It's not, you're only here for a required month and then however long you stay after that is up to you," she said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Now, down to business. I've been looking over your charts and weight and what I can deduce is that you suffer from purging and anorexia nervosa," Ronnie said and Caitlin sighed.

"I swear, I didn't mean for it to get so out of control," she muttered.

"No one ever does," Ronnie said gently and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Now, we have strict treatment plans to enforce but for the most part, we let our patients do what they want within reason," Ronnie said and that comforted Caitlin somewhat.

"You get free time throughout the day, along with one on one therapy and group therapy. You'll have a therapist assigned to you; you'll meet her tomorrow. Then you'll have a dietician and doctor to monitor your health. Women who are usually as malnourished as you have different physical issues that they don't even know about so your doctor will go over all of that with you," Ronnie carried on and Caitlin hummed in agreement.

"Breakfast is at eight, lunch at noon, and dinner at six, with snacks throughout the day. Not all snacks are mandatory but you do have to eat at least two of them to comply with our rules and regulations," Ronnie said and Caitlin sighed.

"T-that might be challenging," she muttered and to her surprise, Ronnie laughed softly.

"No one ever said treatment was going to be easy," she replied gently, "but you've already overcome the toughest barrier by just showing up. Everything else will fall into line."

"Do you have any questions for me?" Ronnie asked and Caitlin nodded.

"When can I have visitors?" Caitlin asked promptly.

"Typically, the second week into your stay at the treatment facility. If all is on track by then, you can have two visitors, every day, for an hour and a half," she replied and Caitlin smiled. She could see Barry and Cisco by the beginning of next week if she was lucky.

"You'll meet your doctor after dinner tonight, and then your therapist tomorrow in the morning. Both are very good at their jobs and care a lot about their patients; you're in very safe hands," Ronnie encouraged and Caitlin sighed before smiling.

"Let's get me healthy," she murmured and Ronnie mirrored her smiled.


	40. Chapter 40

Caitlin ended up waiting with Ronnie until she met her doctor. He was a gentleman around his mid-forties and smiled at Caitlin gently as he walked into the room.

"You must be Caitlin. I'm Phillip," he said and Caitlin smiled hesitantly.

"Hello, Phillip," she murmured and the doctor walked over to her.

"I'm going to have to ask you to get onto the scale, Caitlin," he said softy and Caitlin sighed but nodded her head. She eased onto the scale, placing as much pressure as she dared on her sprained ankle, which, wasn't a lot. Phillip waited a moment for the numbers to settle before tutting and helping Caitlin ease off the scale. He handed her the crutches.

"Take a seat on the couch there, Caitlin," Phillip indicated to the couch with a nod of his head and Caitlin hobbled her way over to it. After she was seated, Phillip took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

"May I speak plainly with you, Caitlin?" Phillip asked softly and, feeling nervous, Caitlin nodded her head.

"For a woman of your height, you're severely underweight. Dangerously underweight," Phillip stated and Caitlin sighed.

"I know," she muttered and Phillip looked at her.

"Do you?" Phillip asked and Caitlin frowned. He continued.

"Do you know the extreme malnourished stage your body is in? All your fat has just about melted off and next to go are tissue and organs. Your body is in survival mode right now, fighting to hold onto any nourishment it can," Phillip explained and Caitlin bit her lip.

"I-I guess I didn't know it was that bad. I just knew I had been losing some weight," she said softly.

"Not some; a lot. A lot that I bet you didn't really have to lose in the first place. Have you always been petite?" Phillip asked curiously and Caitlin nodded her head slowly.

"Yes, I get it from my mom," she replied uncertainly and Phillip nodded his head in response.

"You're already small by genetics," he explained and Caitlin nodded in understanding.

"So, where do we go from here?" Caitlin asked and Phillip smiled.

"Well, I put you on a food plan and we spend the next month getting thirty pounds back on you," he replied and Caitlin felt her jaw drop.

"T-thirty pounds?" Caitlin whispered.

"Yes," Phillip stated firmly and Caitlin was left feeling miserable before she got an idea.

"How about we come up with an agreement? I promise to follow your rules and you drop ten of those pounds?" Caitlin asked hopefully and Phillip let out a laugh that seemed to travel all the way from his belly.

"Oh, if only you were the first patient who tried to hoodwink me into dropping their goal," he replied as his laughter died out and Caitlin sighed.

"Fine, I'll try to see if I can put on the thirty pounds," she mumbled dejectedly.

"Well, you're going to see if you can put on the thirty pounds in a month; that's what you've got to put on by the time I sign your release papers," Phillip amended and Caitlin frowned unhappily.

"You're not making me feel better," she muttered and Phillip laughed again.

"I'm not here to make you feel better, I'm here to get you healthy so you can live your life," he reminded her gently and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright, thirty pounds, got it. Anything else?" Caitlin asked quietly and Phillip study her for a moment.

"How'd you sprain your ankle, Caitlin?" Phillip asked and Caitlin sighed.

"By exercising too much," she muttered and he nodded.

"Well, we do offer therapeutic yoga to help give injuries some physical therapy. It's not meant as a weight loss class and each patient attending must have either their doctor or therapist present to monitor the class. I'd be happy to sign you up for some sessions if you wanted to work on strengthening your ankle back up," Phillip offered and Caitlin thought it over.

"I don't know…I'm kind of obsessed with working out," she muttered.

"Which is why you must have a monitor present, to make sure it doesn't turn into a work out session. It's typically a few stretches for half an hour. Not at all strenuous activity," Phillip promised gently and Caitlin thought for a moment longer before agreeing.

"Alright. It'd be nice to build the strength back up. I can barely put any pressure on it," she murmured and Phillip smiled.

"We'll add that onto your goals sheet as well," he replied and Caitlin hummed in agreement.

There wasn't much more to discuss between the two of them and when Caitlin finally got up to leave, she was feeling more encouraged about being in the treatment facility than she did when she first got there. She made her way back down to her room where Charlotte was busy drawing. She looked up as Caitlin entered the room.

"Well, you survived your first evaluation! How'd it go?" Charlotte asked and Caitlin let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding.

"Alright. My doctor is Phillip. He's nice enough and I really liked Ronnie. She made me feel more at ease," Caitlin replied and Charlotte bobbed her head.

"Yeah, she's good with the patients. Treats us like we're actually people, not diseases," she replied and Caitlin laughed softly at that. She glanced at her watch.

"Dinner is in an hour, what do we do until then?" Caitlin asked and Charlotte jerked her head to Caitlin's side of the room.

"I suggest you go about decorating your side," she stated and Caitlin frowned.

"I didn't bring anything to decorate with," she said and Charlotte smiled softly.

"You can borrow some of my Christmas lights until we go to the store this weekend. We each have a fifty-dollar budget that the facility covers. You can go shopping then," she replied and Caitlin nodded her head in thanks as she went about stringing up Christmas lights around her bed.

Her sheets had already been put on the bed and they looked comfortable enough. Caitlin then opened her suitcase and smiled at some of the knickknacks Cisco had put in along with her clothes. Some of her favorite books, some knitting needles and material, along with a few other odds and ends. She set up her books in alphabetical order on the shelf above her bed and placed her material and needles in her drawer. It took her less than fifteen minutes and she looked at her pathetically sparse side of the bedroom.

She eased herself onto a bed and decided to make the most of her time before dinner by beginning to knit a blanket. She had a feeling she'd have enough time to finish it by the time her month was up. Sighing, she settled in to wait out her time in the treatment facility, not knowing just how hard it was about to get.

 **Author's note:** Just updating this one today. I didn't get a chance to get to one shots but don't worry, I'm still writing them! Leave prompts if you wish. XOXO


	41. Chapter 41

Caitlin eventually made her way down to the dining room for dinner, with Charlotte giving her words of encouragement the whole time.

"It's okay if you can't eat a full plate on your first night here; we're humans and they don't expect miracles. Also, avoid sitting next to Michael at all costs. He likes to shout out random food facts about what we eat," she whispered and Caitlin nearly laughed because it all seemed so _absurd. How_ did she let her life get to this point? And all over a few comments her mother had said.

Sighing, she nodded her head and hobbled her way into the dining hall and sat down at a chair closest to the door, with Charlotte following suit with the chair next to her. Caitlin looked around, wondering what she was supposed to do now. Before she could ask Charlotte what the protocol was, Ronnie walked in.

"Alright, guys, welcome to dinner! As you can tell, we have a new face with us tonight. Everyone, this is Caitlin," Ronnie chirped and Caitlin blushed as every head turned to her and studied her for a moment.

"Anorexia nervosa!" One girl exclaimed.

"No way, my money is on binging and purging," another called out and Caitlin felt herself shrinking in on herself.

"Mary, Beth, will you two shut up?" Charlotte snapped and both girls fell silent. Caitlin looked at Charlotte nervously and she squeezed her shoulder.

"Don't worry about them, they're always like that with the new faces," she said softly and Caitlin exhaled shakily before nodding her head. She looked at her plate, then the empty table, then at Ronnie, wondering how the process for dinner would be. Ronnie caught her curious eye and smiled encouragingly.

"Charlotte, do you want to tell Caitlin how we do dinner here?" Ronnie asked and Charlotte bobbed her head.

"Sure. Cait, we all must be present at the dinner table every night, and no one can leave before the last person is finished. We get an option of a salad with each meal, but we all must eat the main course we're served. Or, at least part of it if you're new," Charlotte stated and Caitlin felt her heart thump harshly against her rib cage.

"A-all of it?" Caitlin stuttered and Charlotte quickly shook her head.

"Not you, since you're new and haven't done any food therapy with your therapist yet. You can eat however much you can; you just need to eat _some_ of it," Charlotte amended and Caitlin sighed in relief. She could do that.

"So, what's our meal of torture?" Beth piped up and Ronnie chuckled.

"You ask that every meal, Beth, and since when have we ever been known to torture you?" Ronnie asked and Beth rolled her eyes.

"Group therapy was torture," Mary and Beth replied simultaneously and Caitlin looked at them.

"A-are you guys related?" Caitlin asked hesitantly and they grinned.

"Fraternal twins," they replied and Caitlin laughed softly.

"You can tell," she murmured and left the conversation there. Just then, people began pushing trolleys with food out and started to set up the table. Caitlin peeked at each dish that was brought out: salad, hamburgers, pasta, and chicken. Caitlin felt her heart clench.

"D-do we have to eat some of each?" Caitlin whispered to Charlotte and the perky girl quickly shook her head.

"No, no, a portion from one of the main dishes, and some salad if you feel like it," Charlotte soothed and Caitlin felt her heart rate return to normal. She looked at Ronnie who was handing out silverware before catching her eye.

"Caitlin?" Ronnie asked softly, "What would you like?"

Caitlin gulped before looking at the food again.

"Some-some salad and a little bit of chicken," she murmured, wishing her heart wasn't beating rapidly at the idea of food. This was the first time she would be eating without Barry or Cisco to help guide her through it and she was petrified. Ronnie nodded her head encouragingly as she made up a serving of the requested food. She then handed the plate to Caitlin.

"Just try to eat as much as you can," Ronnie said gently. Caitlin unrolled her silverware and started cutting the chicken into tiny bites.

"Hey, if the new girl gets to cut her chicken into tiny pieces, I want to be able to as well," Beth complained and Caitlin froze as she looked up at Ronnie.

"Am I doing something wrong?" Caitlin asked uncertainly and Ronnie smiled kindly at her.

"You're alright, Caitlin. We just typically ask our patients to cut the food into normal sized bites," she replied and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Alright," she agreed and stopped cutting the pieces so small. She popped one piece into her mouth and chewed slowly, washing it down with a sip of water. She glanced around at the table, taking in everyone who was sitting there. There were guys and girls of all different shapes and sizes, something that gave her some comfort. It seemed an eating disorder could strike anyone, no matter what they looked like. She took a bite of salad and pushed some of it around on her plate while she chewed. Charlotte tapped her wrist and she looked at her.

"Don't push it around on your plate, we get called out for that; trust me, I know," Charlotte advised out of the corner of her mouth and Caitlin smiled gratefully.

"Thanks," she whispered and stopped playing with her food. Soon enough, she had eaten as much as she could and pushed her plate away from her.

"I'm finished," she told Ronnie quietly and Ronnie nodded as she picked up the plate and walked away. Not before everyone got a look though.

"Anorexia nervosa, definitely," Mary grinned smugly and Caitlin looked down.

"Mary, stop calling Caitlin out on a disorder she may or may not have," Charlotte exclaimed and Mary frowned but stopped talking. Caitlin smiled at Charlotte who nodded her head encouragingly.

"Good job, Cait," she murmured and Caitlin laughed softly.

"No, it wasn't, but thanks for trying to make me feel better," she replied and Charlotte parroted her laughter. Caitlin followed the rules, and sat at the table until the last person was done. Then, they were all dismissed. Ronnie stopped Caitlin before she had a chance to hobble back upstairs on her crutches with Charlotte.

"Caitlin, good job tonight," she praised and Caitlin smiled.

"Thank you," she murmured.

"You'll meet Claire, your therapist tomorrow morning at nine. She's an absolute delight to work with; you two should have no problem," Ronnie stated and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Thanks, Ronnie, for everything," she replied and Ronnie gave her one more smile before sending her on her way. Caitlin hobbled up the stairs and back into her room, where Charlotte said they had free time until ten. Caitlin sat down on her bed and propped her ankle up on her pillow.

"Do you journal?" Charlotte inquired and Caitlin shook her head.

"You may want to consider buying one when we go shopping this weekend. It's not for everyone and I get that, but it's saved my life more times than I can count," Charlotte said.

"I've always wanted to do it, just never found the time," Caitlin admitted with a shrug and Charlotte smiled.

"Well, we have eons of time here. Might as well start now," she laughed. Caitlin nodded her head and left the conversation there, feeling tired and overwhelmed from her first day. She pulled the blanket she had started knitting towards her and picked up where she left off, hoping that by the following Monday, she'd be able to see Barry and Cisco again.

 **Author's note:** Just a quick chapter about the dinner process and to introduce some more characters. Don't worry, Barry and Cisco will be returning. I also started writing another story for One Tree Hill called Infinity. It's for Brooke and Haley. If that's something you're interested in, give it a shot. You don't have to follow the show to understand the plot. Its an AU. Also, spells will be updated soon, as will One Shots. Any prompts you have for me, leave in the comments! XOXO


	42. Chapter 42

Caitlin had survived her first week and weekend at the treatment facility. The best part was she had met her therapist, Claire. She was about thirty-five and had struggled with anorexia in her college years as well. Seeing someone on the recovery side of it gave hope to Caitlin. She was also able to spend the fifty dollars she was granted and had bought some of her own lights, along with some books. Then she used some of her own money to buy herself another sweater.

She woke up Monday morning feeling happier than she had the whole week she had been there because Monday was the first day she could have visitors. That meant Barry and Cisco would be seeing her this evening after dinner. She slipped on a pair of jeans, along with a t-shirt and her sweater before looking over at Charlotte who was drawing.

"Will you teach me?" Caitlin asked quietly and Charlotte looked up at her curiously.

"How to draw?" Charlotte clarified and Caitlin nodded.

"Sure," Charlotte smiled and Caitlin parroted it. She sat back down on her bed after glancing at her watch. She had an hour until her session with Claire and wanted to get some more of her blanket knitted. She had been making steady progress on it and was quite pleased with the way it was turning out.

"Will you teach me how to knit?" Charlotte asked a moment later and Caitlin smiled.

"Sure; we'll get you knitting needles and materials this weekend and I'll show you the basics," she replied. The two friends fell into comfortable silence, busy with their own activities, until it was time for Caitlin to go see Claire. She stood up and placed her blanket back in her closet.

"I'll see you at lunch," she murmured to Charlotte who sent her an encouragingly smile.

"Good luck in session," Charlotte replied. Caitlin grabbed her crutches and hobbled her way down to therapy, with her aid following closely behind her. She still thought it was ridiculous that she needed an aid to make sure she didn't work out in an eating disorder treatment facility but she supposed that was what she deserved. Especially considering she had hurt her ankle because of her eating disorder. Sighing, she knocked on Claire's door and waited for it to open. It did so a moment later, with a smiling Claire emerging from behind it.

"Caitlin," she greeted and Caitlin dipped her head in her direction.

"Claire," she murmured. Claire held the door open for Caitlin wider so Caitlin could make her way in. After she was inside and sitting on the couch with her ankle propped up, Claire sat down in the chair across from her.

"So, first session of the new week!" Claire enthused and Caitlin couldn't help but laugh softly.

"Glad you're excited," Caitlin replied and Claire grinned.

"You've made a lot of progress this week; you should be excited, too," Claire mentioned and Caitlin thought it over. She had been able to eat more at last night's meal, the first time this week. She had been limited to one aid who had to follow her around, instead of two, and, most importantly, she had been approved to have visitors.

"You're right, I have made some progress," Caitlin agreed.

Claire flipped open her notes to Caitlin's section and looked it over.

"I was told last night was the first night that you actually ate more than the required amount. That's huge progress, Caitlin," Claire praised and Caitlin felt an odd warmth flutter inside of belly. It felt almost like…pride. Like she was proud that she had accomplished that. Not knowing how to make sense of the new feeling, she spoke up.

"I want to say I feel proud about that but I haven't been proud of eating food in a long time so I'm not sure if that's actually want I'm feeling," she admitted. Claire nodded her head.

"Sometimes, when we've denied ourselves things that keep us alive, we're often left feeling unsure of ourselves once we start accepting them into our lives again," she replied wisely.

"Is…is that how you felt when you were fighting to control your eating disorder?" Caitlin asked hesitantly, unsure if she was prying into matters that were none of her business. Claire had made it abundantly clear that Caitlin could ask any questions about her eating disorder to help get a clearer idea of how to begin the healing process.

"I did feel that way," Claire hummed in agreement.

"What did you do to make yourself feel more at peace with food?" Caitlin asked quietly and Claire thought it over.

"Do you want my honest answer?" Claire asked softly.

"Please," Caitlin replied.

"It took me many years to feel comfortable with food, still struggle with eating a hamburger on occasion, but that doesn't mean I also don't have good days, too. Far more good days in fact. I love to say for every bad day I have, ten good days are ready to follow," Claire said.

Caitlin thought over her words for a moment before sighing.

"I want to get to that point," she murmured.

"We'll get you there," Claire promised.

The two women continued talking, with Claire asking Caitlin if she was excited to have visitors. She said she was. Before long, her session was up and Caitlin was hobbling back to her room and getting ready for lunch. The rest of the day passed relatively quickly and soon, Caitlin found herself sitting inside of the living room, waiting for Barry and Cisco to come.

She knitted some more of her blanket to occupy her mind but she was undeniably nervous to see her boyfriend and best friend. What if they had decided they were tired of her struggles and decided not to come? To prevent a full-on panic attack, Caitlin continued to steadily knit, watching as the blanket began to truly take shape.

"Cait?" A soft voice asked and Caitlin looked up to see Barry smiling gently at her, with Cisco standing right behind him. She wasn't sure why but tears filled her eyes and she rushed to blink them out.

"Hi," she said in a choked voice as she stood up to go hobble over to them. They were quicker, though, and raced to her. Barry enveloped her in his arms and she hugged him back tightly, pushing her head into the crook of his neck. Despite her best intentions, her tears soaked his shirt.

"Shh, baby, it's alright," Barry soothed her.

"It's just so good to see you both," she murmured. Barry let her go and she barely had the chance to get a proper look at him before Cisco was hugging her tightly.

"God, Cait, I _miss_ you," he breathed out and she laughed softly.

"I miss you, too," she replied quietly as she pulled away from him and wiped her eyes. She sat back down on the couch with Barry sitting next to her and Cisco taking the chair across from them. Barry pulled her into his side and she rested her head against his chest, feeling at home.

"How have you been, sweetheart?" Barry asked softly.

"I've been good, missing you guys," she replied equally as soft and Barry rubbed his thumb in soothing circles against her shoulder. She sighed contentedly.

"Are they nice to you here?" Cisco demanded and Caitlin laughed at his overprotectiveness.

"Yes," she smiled, "I really like my roommate and therapist."

"What's your roommate's name, baby?" Barry asked.

"Charlotte," she replied. Just then the quirky girl peered her head around the corner.

"Someone call my name?" Charlotte asked curiously and then took a closer look at who was sitting with Caitlin and rushed over.

"Oh my god, hi. You guys must be Barry and Cisco," she greeted energetically and they all laughed.

"Charlotte, this is Barry, my boyfriend; and Cisco, my best friend," Caitlin introduced them and they both shook Charlotte's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Charlotte," Barry said and she bobbed her head.

"You too," she replied, "it's nice to finally put faces to the names I hear about."

The group chatted for a few more minutes before Charlotte left them and Caitlin was resting against Barry once more.

"So…how's treatment going?" Cisco asked hesitantly and Caitlin smiled softly at how shy he was about asking the question.

"It's going. Last night was the first night that I was able to eat more than the required amount of food, which was huge progress; I've also been reduced to one aid to walk around with me when I use my crutches," she said. Cisco beamed at her with pride.

"I'm so proud of you," he stated and Barry kissed her forehead.

"Me too, sweetheart," he added then looked around.

"Where is your aid?" Barry asked curiously and Caitlin jerked her head to a nurse sitting in the far corner, trying to be discreet.

"Amber is giving us as much space as she can without actually having to leave the room. She wants me to be able to enjoy my time with you guys," she explained and Barry and Cisco grinned at Amber, who grinned back.

They continued to talk and catch up, with Cisco and Barry choosing to not mention what she was missing at school, something she picked up on but not finding the need to ask about. All too soon visiting time was up and Barry and Cisco were standing up.

"Let me walk you to the door," Caitlin murmured as she blinked back tears for the second time. Barry noticed and kissed her forehead gently.

"We'll be back tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. In fact, we'll be back every day you're in treatment," he promised firmly and she nodded her head.

"I know," she whispered as she hobbled her way to the door, with Barry's hand a constant on her lower back. Once she reached the door, she kissed Barry gently and smiled at Cisco.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," she murmured and they both nodded their heads firmly.

"Tomorrow," Cisco stated. She watched as they left and felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and saw Charlotte standing behind her, smiling sympathetically.

"It's always hard saying goodbye the first time. But just remember: follow the rules, and Barry and Cisco can visit literally every day until you get out," Charlotte encouraged and Caitlin wiped her eyes.

"You're right," she replied. The two friends made their way to their room, where they retired once again until lights out at ten.


	43. Chapter 43

"How'd your first visit with Barry and Cisco go?" Claire asked and Caitlin smiled as she tucked her free leg up to her chin.

"Really well. I may have cried," she replied sheepishly and Claire chuckled warmly.

"I did that every time I got a visit from my mom and boyfriend," Claire said. Caitlin felt glad that she wasn't the only one who cried.

"Speaking of moms', I've noticed you don't talk about yours' very often," Claire added gently and Caitlin fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Uh…" she trailed off as she looked helplessly at the ground.

"Let me take a wild guess and say it's partly your mother's fault for you being in here?" Claire asked softly and Caitlin's head snapped up.

"She…she may have been the first person to tell me I was fat," she muttered and Claire winced sympathetically.

"How much pressure does your mother put on you and how much pressure do you put on yourself to meet your mother's expectations?" Claire asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Too much," she murmured and Claire nodded.

"I used to think the world would come crashing down around me if I didn't make my father happy," she said, "but guess what? It didn't the first time I truly disappointed him."

"My…my father died recently and I didn't take off enough time to be with my mother, according to her," Caitlin whispered.

"I bet you took off as much as you could, Caitlin," Claire said wisely.

"It still wasn't enough," Caitlin mumbled dejectedly. She went back to staring at the carpet.

"Caitlin, please look at me," Claire said gently. Sighing, Caitlin raised her eyes up to Claire's.

"If you're looking for someone to berate you about not taking enough time off, you've come to the wrong person," Claire said simply.

"Trust me, my mother berated me enough for the both of you," Caitlin chuckled dryly.

"Do you have a fond memory with your mother?" Claire asked randomly and Caitlin thought hard.

"The only memory I can think of happened recently and it was in response to my mother being devastated over my father's death. We were simply sitting in the kitchen, holding hands. It's the only time I can ever recall my mother just simply being present in my life. How messed up is it that it took a tragedy for that to happen?" Caitlin muttered. To her surprise, Claire chuckled.

"Happens more often than you think," she promised and that made some of the ache to lessen in Caitlin's chest.

"If you could say anything to your mom, what would it be?"

Claire inquired.

"D-do we have to talk about this?" Caitlin whispered, still finding it very difficult to expose that part of her life.

"You're only going to truly begin to heal when you address every problem in your life," Claire reminded her and Caitlin sighed.

"Fine, but be warned: I'll probably cry," Caitlin replied.

"I have tissues ready and willing to be used," Claire said and immediately pushed the box on her table towards Caitlin. Caitlin exhaled shakily before squaring her shoulders. It was time she talked about her mother.

"I guess what I really want to tell her is I'm doing the best I can, given everything I have to do. Honors student in college, maintaining the perfect body, maintaining a good relationship and friendships, trying to take care of her during her time of need when my father passed, etc. It just gets to be too much from time to time and I'd very much like it if she could be someone I could talk to, instead of someone I had to defend myself against," Caitlin murmured as she thought over conversations she had had with her mother.

"What else?" Claire asked quietly.

"I'd tell her I want her to love me. Me. Not some version she thinks I need to be because if that's what she's looking for, neither one of us will ever attain happiness," Caitlin whispered and then reached down and grabbed a tissue. She wiped at her eyes fiercely, trying to stop the embarrassing tears.

"It's okay to cry, Caitlin," Claire reminded her gently.

"Good, because now the dam's been opened, they're about to come pouring out," she muttered as she grabbed another tissue.

"What else?" Claire inquired.

"I'd tell her that it's not _fair_ to put so much pressure on her only kid. I've always been expected to do better than my absolute best and do you know how damn _exhausting_ that is?" Caitlin demanded. She wasn't sure where she found the power to say these words, but knew that now she started, she wouldn't stop until she got everything off her chest.

"I'd tell her that it wasn't fair to have one parent love me unconditionally, the way a parent is _supposed_ to love, while the other one just gives out love when she deems it necessary!" Caitlin shouted and she wasn't sure when her tears had turned into anger but Claire simply let her continue.

"I'd tell her that I miss my father so much and she wasn't even there to support me, like a parent should! I had to take care of her and even then, it was _never_ enough. Never good enough. Nothing I do is and I just…hate her sometimes." Caitlin was exhausted by the time her rant was over and her nose was stuffy. She took deep, calming breaths to help slow down her heart and she realized she must have been stomping down hard on her boot because her foot was throbbing.

"Do you need some ice for your ankle?" Claire asked.

"Yes, please," Caitlin said tiredly. Her outburst had left her drained and she was suddenly thinking longingly of spending the day in her bed, with covers pulled up over her head, until Barry and Cisco came. Claire nodded her head as she glanced at her watch.

"Our session is up. Tomorrow we are going to break down your comments and start solving the problem. I'll tell your group therapist you're sitting out this session," Claire murmured as she stood up.

"I don't want to lose my visitor privileges," Caitlin whispered.

"Trust me, you won't. You made a lot of progress today and we are simply going to give you an afternoon off. Barry and Cisco can still come for their visit after dinner. You go to your room and rest, and I'll go get ice from the kitchen," Claire murmured and Caitlin nodded. She stood up and hobbled her way outside where Amber was waiting for her. One look at her face told her she had heard everything.

"Way to go, Cait," she grinned and Caitlin smiled back hesitantly.

"I feel better," she hummed and Amber laughed.

"I bet after unleashing all of those emotions," she replied and walked with her back to Caitlin's room where she crawled into bed, a nap demanding all her attention now.

 **Author's note** : The guys will be back next chapter. I just needed to let Cait say all of that about her mother.


	44. Chapter 44

"I heard you finally stuck it to your mom," Charlotte enthused when she came back from group therapy. Caitlin looked up from her knitting.

"Yeah, I did," she laughed softly, still feeling reasonably pleased with herself for getting everything off her chest.

"That's fantastic, Cait, I wish I could stick it to my brother," Charlotte sighed as she sat down on her bed. Caitlin looked at her curiously.

"Your brother made you feel less than spectacular, too?" Caitlin asked quietly and Charlotte hummed.

"Every day since I was eleven. I always thought older brothers were supposed to be protective. Mine just likes to put me down every chance he gets," Charlotte sighed and Caitlin frowned sympathetically.

"Sounds like my dear mother," she rolled her eyes and the two friends shared a smirk. She went back to knitting, pleased with the progress the blanket was making. Charlotte made her way over to her bed and looked at the blanket.

"Hey, nice job, Cait," she complimented and Caitlin smiled graciously.

"Thank you," she murmured. Charlotte looked like she wanted to say something else but seemed torn. Caitlin laid her needles down and peered at her friend.

"Charlotte, what is it?" Caitlin asked softly and Charlotte sighed.

"Your therapist is probably going to recommend to you a session with your mother present," she muttered and Caitlin felt her heart thump unevenly. Her mother was supposed to be coming to the treatment facility?

"She's coming _here_? To the treatment facility?" Caitlin gasped. Charlotte looked at her apologetically.

"It's not required but it's definitely recommended. I know that Claire is going to want to talk to you about it in your next session," Charlotte murmured and Caitlin sighed.

"Well, that's just lovely," she snapped and then winced.

"Sorry, Charlotte, that wasn't against you," she apologized and Charlotte just squeezed her shoulder. Caitlin sighed.

"I-I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk to my mother about this face-to-face," she whispered.

"No one ever is. I wasn't ready when I had to have my face-to-face with my brother, but I'll let you in on a little secret: as soon as I started telling him how he made me feel, it was very cathartic for me. It was a healing process in and of itself," Charlotte promised. That helped ease some of Caitlin's anxieties about it and she nodded her head.

"Alright, I'll just see what Claire says at our session tomorrow," she murmured. The girls left the conversation there until it was time for dinner. Caitlin and Charlotte made their way down to the dining room. Once there, Caitlin sat down and waited until the meal got brought in. She noticed the twin sisters were subdued but didn't mention anything about it, knowing that it wasn't any of her business.

Ronnie walked in and smiled at everyone.

"Hey guys, hope we're all doing well tonight!" Ronnie exclaimed.

"Just lovely," Mary grumbled. Caitlin looked at her curiously.

"Everything alright, Mary?" Caitlin asked hesitantly.

"If I wanted your help, new girl, I'd have asked for it by now," Mary snapped and Caitlin recoiled as if she had been slapped. Beth frowned at Mary before looking at Caitlin.

"Sorry about that, we're just mad because our stay has been extended for an additional two weeks and counting," Beth muttered. Caitlin felt her heart clench and she wanted to tell them she understood what it was like to be disappointed with lack of progress but knew now was not the time to say that, nor was she particularly the right person to say that as well so she just smiled sympathetically.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Caitlin murmured and Beth dipped her head in acknowledgement. Dinner was served then, occupying Caitlin's attention. Tonight, she was brave enough to have some spaghetti, with garlic bread and salad. Much like the past two nights, she ate more than the required amount, receiving praise from everyone at the table, excluding Mary; she decided to not take it personally.

When dinner was over, Caitlin and Amber made their way to the living room, where Caitlin went back to knitting her blanket, waiting for Barry and Cisco to show up. Not even ten minutes after dinner were they there.

"Hi, baby," Barry murmured and she looked up, smiling.

"Hi, yourself," she greeted him softly as he sat down next to her and kissed her gently. Cisco, as expected, took the chair across from them and smiled at Caitlin.

"Second day of visitors so hopefully that means you had another productive day?" Cisco asked hopefully and Caitlin thought over her outburst in her therapist's office.

"You could say that," she laughed and Cisco and Barry smiled at her warmly.

"Share it with us?" Barry asked softly and she nodded her head before going into detail about the conversation she had with Claire about her mother. She didn't leave anything out, including all the shouting and crying she had experienced during her break down.

"It was really, I don't know, empowering to be able to say all of that," Caitlin finished with a sigh and Barry squeezed her hand.

"I'm proud of you, sweetheart," he smiled at her and Caitlin parroted his smile.

"Me too," piped up Cisco.

"Thanks, guys," Caitlin murmured.

"What's the next course of action?" Cisco asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Charlotte, my roommate, said they're going to want my mother and I to be face to face to talk," Caitlin muttered and Barry squeezed her hand again.

"Can you see if you can have other people sitting in on that session? If so, I want to be there," Barry stated firmly and Caitlin smiled.

"Barry, I love you for wanting to make sure nothing happens, but I think this time, this is a battle I have to face on my own. It's time to get some things straightened out with my mother, and I have a feeling it won't be pretty until everything is said," Caitlin replied. Barry looked at her for a long moment before nodding his head.

"Alright," he breathed out. "Just make sure to know that so many people love you and, despite whatever horrible insults she can think of, what your mother thinks of you does not define you."

Caitlin thought over his words for a few minutes before smiling.

"I'll try," she promised and he kissed her forehead gently.

"All I can ask of you," he replied. The three of them sat there, talking about everything that was going on back at campus.

"I think the coffee shop has seen a serious decline in their profits since you haven't been going," Cisco teased and Caitlin smirked.

"Isn't that the truth." Caitlin deadpanned and the two friends shared a smile.

"How is Professor Wells?" Caitlin asked hesitantly, not sure if she needed to be focused on her studies more than her recovery.

"He's good, sends you his well wishes," Barry replied and Caitlin nodded before dropping that topic.

"I can't believe you're already in your second week, by the way. Congratulations," Cisco praised and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

"Oh, yeah, congratulations for surviving my first week in treatment," Caitlin teased and Cisco laughed.

"It's something to be proud of," he defended and Barry hummed in agreement. Caitlin thought about that for a moment before smiling.

"Yeah, I guess it is," she replied. Much like the night before, visiting hours ended all too soon and she was saying goodbye to her boyfriend and best friend again. Trying to not feel dejected about that, she smiled as much as she could.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow, right?" Caitlin checked, unsure if they were still planning on coming.

"Of course, sweetheart. We're not letting you face this alone," Barry replied firmly, with Cisco backing him up with his own promise. Relief swirled in Caitlin's belly, leaving her giddy for a moment.

"Alright, then," she said softly.

Barry kissed her.

"Until tomorrow, sweetheart."

"Until tomorrow."


	45. Chapter 45

Caitlin sat on the edge of Claire's couch, nervously waiting for the session to start.

"Are you alright, Caitlin? You seem nervous about something," Claire said gently and Caitlin swallowed past the painful lump that had lodged itself in her throat. She took a moment to think over her words before speaking carefully.

"I'm anxious about what you may or may not suggest that I do," she whispered and Claire furrowed her brow.

"What do you mean?" Claire asked gently and Caitlin sighed.

"Charlotte may have mentioned that you guys suggest we have a face to face with people who aren't good for us," Caitlin murmured and Claire nodded wisely.

"In this case, you're meaning your mother," she replied.

"Yes," Caitlin whispered.

"Look, Caitlin, we don't force our patients to do anything you guys don't want to; it's ultimately your decision if you have a conversation with your mother or not," Claire replied.

"Really?" Caitlin asked hopefully.

"Really," Claire chuckled. "However, I strongly urge you to think about it. You don't know the kind of relief you could get simply by telling your mother how you feel."

Caitlin thought over her advice for a few moments.

"Would you still be in the room with us?" Caitlin asked softly.

"I will be," Claire replied firmly. "It's my job to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible."

Caitlin thought it over for a few more moments before squaring her shoulders.

"Call my mother, please," she stated firmly and Claire smiled encouragingly at her.

"Let's get this show on the road," she replied and Caitlin laughed softly at her enthusiasm.

Before long, Caitlin found herself sitting back down in her bedroom, drawing her knee into her chest and staring out of the window. She got lost in her thoughts about how her mother was going to react to her being in a treatment facility. So much so that she didn't hear Charlotte come in and talk to her until she was right next to her bed.

"Earth to Caitlin!" Charlotte called, waving her hand in front of her face. Caitlin blinked, startled, and looked at her.

"Hmm?" Caitlin asked and Charlotte laughed softly as she went and plopped down on her own bed.

"I asked, how did your session go?" Charlotte repeated herself and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

"Well, you were right; Claire wants me to meet with my mom," Caitlin said and Charlotte smiled sympathetically.

"Did you agree to a meeting?" Charlotte inquired and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Yes," she murmured and left it there, too wrapped up in her thoughts to completely absorb herself in the conversation. Charlotte seemed to notice because she didn't say anything more; she just grabbed her sketch pad and began drawing. Not too long after that, Caitlin took out her knitting needles and went back to the blanket, smiling slightly at the progress she had made.

The two girls got wrapped up in their work, occasionally talking, but for the most part sitting in a relative silence. They passed the time until group therapy by working hard on their hobbies. When it was time for group therapy, they made their way down to the living room, with Amber following right behind them. As soon as Caitlin reached the living room, she made her way to her favorite chair, something the other patients had picked up on; they were kind enough to let her sit there each session.

Sophia, the group therapist, was already waiting for them and smiled at each of them as they walked in.

"Afternoon, guys," Sophia said as soon as everyone was seated. Caitlin smiled as much as she could and glanced around the room to see who all was there besides her and Charlotte. She spotted Beth and Mary sitting opposite of each other, Michael next to Sarah, and then Anne and Greg on the floor, next to the door.

"Let's start our session as we usually do: with one good thing that has happened to us all," Sophia encouraged. They went around the group, each of them saying one good thing that had happened to them that day. When it was Caitlin's turn, she spoke up bravely.

"Claire and I had a breakthrough during yesterday's session. Now, Claire has suggested a one on one with my mother," Caitlin murmured. The group smiled at her and Sophia jotted down some notes before looking back at her.

"Congratulations, Caitlin, that's fantastic," Sophia replied and Caitlin smiled back. She liked Sophia. She was a good therapist who made sure everyone had a chance to speak up or vent or whichever they preferred. Group usually lasted about forty-five minutes, covering a variety of topics, typically how the patients ended up sick and how they felt about it. Today was no different.

When it was her turn, Caitlin went into detail about how her mother had made her feel less than perfect, and how she required so much from her. She wordlessly accepted the tissue Charlotte handed her as she started crying. She normally didn't cry in front of people unless it was necessary, but she felt safe with the people next to her; they were all struggling with the same illness.

When group ended, Caitlin felt drained but proud of herself. She stood up from the couch, getting ready to head back to the room with Charlotte when Sophia called to her.

"A minute of your time, Caitlin?" Sophia asked and she nodded her head before smiling at Charlotte.

"I'll be up there in a moment," she said and Charlotte bobbed her head before going on her way. Caitlin looked at Sophia curiously as the therapist made her way to her.

"Congratulations on your breakthrough in your private therapy, and then again in session today," Sophia praised her and Caitlin smiled.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"Are you alright with having to talk to your mother?" Sophia asked and Caitlin sighed.

"Yes and no. Yes, because it's been a long time coming; no, because she's still my mother. I still value what she has to say to me," she muttered.

"I understand that. Just remember: this is about your recovery, not her approval of you. You call the shots here," Sophia reminded her and Caitlin smiled.

"You're right, thanks Sophia," she murmured.

"One final thing: you've been cleared to do yoga this evening after visitation if Amber goes with you. Would you like to do a session?" Sophia asked and Caitlin agreed to doing a session quickly.

"Yes! It'll be great to get some strength back into my ankle," she replied.

With that, Sophia sent her on her way and Caitlin hobbled up the stairs and to her room, where she and Charlotte waited for dinner. Dinner came and went without any difficulties and, once again, Caitlin found herself waiting for her boyfriend and best friend. Right on time, the two guys showed up and smiled at her as they made their way over.

"Hi, sweetheart," Barry murmured and Caitlin hugged him tightly before turning around and giving Cisco an equally as strong hug.

"Hello," she murmured. The trio sat and talked about their day, with Caitlin filling them in on everything that had happened at the facility.

"Oh! Sophia, the group therapist, said I've been cleared to do yoga!" Caitlin enthused and then noticed Barry and Cisco sharing a quick look before looking back at her with frowns.

"What?" Caitlin asked.

"Is yoga a good thing for you, sweetheart?" Barry asked gently.

"I'm with Barry, are you really supposed to be working out while recovering from an eating disorder?" Cisco asked.

Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly. "Relax guys, it's only to help build up strength in my ankle and I'll have Amber with me the whole session."

That immediately cleared the worry from their faces.

"Well, that's alright then," Cisco chuckled. Barry squeezed her hand gently.

"I'm glad Amber will be sitting in on the session with you," he murmured and Caitlin laughed.

"That doesn't surprise me," she replied amusedly. Barry just shrugged a shoulder as he grinned at her. The trio continued talking for the rest of the hour and half with the guys keeping the topic from straying to school or her mother. When it was time for them to go, they stood up and Barry kissed her softly on the forehead.

"Only two more weeks, baby," he encouraged and Caitlin nodded with a smile.

"I know," she murmured, then hugged Cisco.

"See you guys tomorrow," she added as she walked them to the door.

"Tomorrow," they promised in unison.

Just then, Amber came up to her.

"Reay for yoga, Cait?" Amber checked.

"Yep," Caitlin verified and the two women made their way to where the class being held. Amber stood off to the corner of the room and Caitlin made her way to the middle of it after taking off her boot and grabbing a yoga mat. The session was easy, not too strenuous, and Caitlin found herself thinking she'd have to pick this up as a regular thing when she got out of treatment – something to replace how often she was doing intensive cardio.

When their hour was up and they were on their way back upstairs, Caitlin bumped into Claire.

"Caitlin! Just the woman I was looking for. I got ahold of your mother and she has agreed to come to a session. Tomorrow's session, in fact," Claire greeted her.

"Tomorrow's?" Caitlin questioned nervously and Claire squeezed her shoulder encouragingly.

"Yes. And, remember that you can do this," she replied softly.

"I can do this," Caitlin reiterated firmly and the two women shared a smile. Caitlin then made her way to her room where she showered and worked on her blanket until lights out.

 **Author's note:** Thanks for much for reading! This story is getting ready to start wrapping up. Hope you all have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed writing it! More to come, though!


	46. Chapter 46

Caitlin woke the morning of her meeting with her mom with knots in her stomach. She took steadying breaths to calm her erratically beating heart and smiled slightly when most of the anxiety was held at bay. She glanced at Charlotte who was looking at her curiously.

"Are you alright, Cait?" Charlotte asked softly.

"Mhm, just nervous about my session this morning," she murmured.

Charlotte smiled encouragingly at her. "Work on your blanket until breakfast."

Caitlin knew it was the best plan of action she had so pulled out her blanket and knitting needles and began knitting. Charlotte cleared her throat.

"I also got you a present for being the best roommate I've ever had," she laughed and Caitlin smiled gently at her.

"You didn't have to do that," she said.

"But I wanted to," Charlotte smiled at her and got out of her bed before rummaging in her chest of drawers. She got what she needed and brought it over to Caitlin who looked at it curiously.

"It's your first journal!" Charlotte enthused and Caitlin laughed at her excitement.

"Thanks, Char, I really appreciate this. I'll write in it as soon as my session is done today," Caitlin promised and Charlotte bobbed her head.

When it was time for breakfast, Caitlin, Charlotte, and Amber made their way downstairs and into the dining hall. Caitlin tried to eat as much of her eggs as she could but even she had to admit it was smaller than normal.

"Not hungry?" Ronnie asked gently and Caitlin sighed.

"More nervous. Today's my session with my therapist and my mom. I don't really have much of an appetite," she muttered. Ronnie hummed as she thought.

"Why don't you just try to drink our protein shake that we give when people don't want to eat a meal? It's allowed every now and then but I do want you to try and eat more at lunch and dinner, alright?" Ronnie asked and Caitlin thought over the compromise before nodding her head.

"That sounds fair," she murmured and accepted the shake Ronnie handed her. She drank it slowly, trying to get the knots to untangle themselves in her stomach. Charlotte squeezed her should encouragingly.

"Remember, you're in control of what happens in that session today," she reminded her and Caitlin sighed. If only it were that easy.

As if reading her thoughts, Charlotte carried on. "You get to say what's on your mind and if your mother retaliates and gets out of line, Claire will interfere. It's about your recovery and comfort level."

Caitlin managed a smile as she sipped the last bit of her drink and threw it away. Once everyone was finished with breakfast, Caitlin made her way back up the stairs, pausing outside of Claire's office with Amber, while Charlotte made her way back to their room.

"I'll see you after okay, Cait?" Charlotte reminded her and Caitlin nodded her head in agreement. Then, taking a deep breath, she knocked on Claire's door and waited a few moments before it was opened. Caitlin was greeted with a smiling Claire. She returned it as much as she could.

"Come on, Caitlin. Your mom is already inside," she murmured. Caitlin wondered when her mom had gotten there that morning but didn't have much time to dwell on it as she came face to face with her mom for the first time since her father's funeral.

"Caitlin…" Jane trailed off as she looked at her daughter. It looked like she was seeing her for the first time by the way she took in all the details.

"You look so small," Jane murmured and Caitlin looked down as she hobbled her way to the couch.

"What happened to your ankle?" Jane asked and Caitlin shrugged a shoulder.

"Accident," she muttered and left the conversation there, not wanting to go into detail about how the accident had happened. Not yet, anyway.

Caitlin sat down on the couch with her mom following hesitantly on the other side, and Claire took her usual seat across from them.

Claire cleared her throat.

"So, Jane, there's no point in beating around the bush as this is a treatment center you're currently sitting in. Caitlin suffers from Anorexia nervosa and Bulimia," Claire stated bluntly and Caitlin swallowed nervously as she played with the hem of her shirt. She was too scared to look at her mom but when she heard incredulous laughter the next moment, her head snapped up.

"No, she doesn't. Caitlin wouldn't ever let something like that happen to her," she replied and Caitlin stared at her.

"I'm not sure what story you're trying to feed my daughter but you've clearly done a good job if she believes she needs to be here," Jane carried on and Caitlin felt like she had had the wind knocked out of her as Claire frowned.

"Jane, you just said yourself that Caitlin looked so small. Surely, that must make you worried?" Claire demanded and Jane cut her eyes back to her daughter before sighing.

"Fine, I'll give it to you that she may be on a diet but my daughter would never skip meals. She's smarter than that," Jane stated.

"Did you see me eat at the house when I came home for the funeral?" Caitlin spoke up for the first time. She looked at her mom who was staring at her.

"I really want you to think about that, Mom," Caitlin continued. Jane frowned as she continued to look at her.

"No, but you had just lost your father; appetites tend to diminish when something like that happens," she muttered.

Caitlin nodded her head. "Alright, let me ask you this: did you see me eat the last four days of the Christmas holidays? Didn't you notice that I only came out of my room for coffee and then went straight back to studying?"

"I thought you were just eating later," Jane's frown intensified.

Caitlin laughed humorlessly. "You really don't pay any attention to your only kid, do you?"

"You're skipping a few meals here and there, I'll admit that; it still doesn't mean you have a problem," Jane insisted.

Caitlin took a steadying breath. "The first time I ate a solid meal was when I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital after consuming eleven diet pills in under twenty-four hours. You can check with my doctor who had to admit me here. You can ask my best friend, my boyfriend, my on-campus counselor; hell, even Dr. Wells. They'll all verify that truth for you."

"Why wasn't I told then?" Jane demanded and Caitlin just laughed.

"You don't get it, do you? I'm a grown girl, I don't have to tell you everything that goes on in my life. And, after the way you treated me after dad's death, do you honestly think I'd come to you about something like this?" Caitlin asked incredulously.

Jane looked like she was ready to cut in again so Caitlin held up a hand.

"No Mom, you're going to listen to me for once. You called me fat during the holidays and told me to join a gym to get a better body. Who says that to their daughter? So, guess what? I took your advice and joined a gym. After staying at the library every night until about three, I'd go to the gym, work out for an hour, prepare to go to class, and live off coffee all day. I did that, for about two solid weeks until I got busted. I didn't sleep much during that time, and the times I did, I was hungry I couldn't really sleep that well in general. Then, my roommate told Barry and Cisco what was going on and Barry sat me down and talked to me about my extreme exercising," Caitlin said and at this point, angry tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"So, I had to break up when I would work out and make sure I slept a bit more. You want to know what happened to my ankle? It happened a few days after we came back home. I went to go work out, pushed myself too hard, and sprained my ankle as soon as I stepped off the machine. I'm in a boot as a result and have to have an aid walk around with me so I don't try to exercise on my crutches," Caitlin added. She took a deep, steadying breath.

"What do you want me to say, Caitlin?" Jane, who had tears in her eyes as well, whispered.

Caitlin laughed bitterly. "Oh, I don't know, Mom. How about, I'm so sorry I said those horrible things to you. I'm so sorry I put so much pressure on you to be perfect. Or, better yet, how about I'm so sorry I couldn't love you unconditionally, the way a parent is supposed to?"

Jane bit her lip as a couple of tears slipped out but Caitlin was too mad to notice.

"Or, how about, I love you. You're wonderful just the way you are and I shouldn't have made you work for my approval," Caitlin carried on.

"I love you. You're wonderful just the way you are and I shouldn't have made you work for my approval," Jane whispered and that shut Caitlin up. She looked her mom who had two rivers pouring out of her eyes.

"Mom…" Caitlin trailed off, now that her anger had evaporated.

"No, let me get this out Caitlin. You're right. I should have never put so much pressure on you. I just wanted the very best for you," she murmured.

"Look where the best put me in. A treatment facility," Caitlin muttered as she wiped at her eyes.

She felt better now, now that she had said those things but she knew she still had a long way to go for recovery.

Claire glanced at her watch before clearing her throat softly.

"Well, we're just about finished for today. Jane, if you'll agree to it, I'd appreciate it if you came back for a few more sessions. Really get to the root of the problem," Claire said. Jane looked at her daughter.

"What would you like, sweetheart?" Jane asked softly and Caitlin sighed.

"A mom who loves me," she mumbled tiredly. Jane squeezed her hand.

"I do love you, you have to believe me. Is it alright if I come back?" Jane asked hesitantly and Caitlin nodded her head.

Claire set up for her to come back the following day, hoping to get all their issues on the mend considering Caitlin was due to leave the facility in about a week and a half. She thanked Claire as she bid her mother farewell. This was only the beginning but it felt like so much more than that. Sighing, she would accept what would come her way with open arms.


	47. Chapter 47

After session, Caitlin made her way back to her room, where Charlotte was waiting for her.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Charlotte asked when she looked up from sketch pad. Caitlin sat down on her bed and propped her foot up.

"Really well, surprisingly. After I got everything off my chest," Caitlin replied. She was still shocked that she told her mother and her mother had asked if she could come back.

"My mom even asked if she could come back," Caitlin admitted and Charlotte smiled at her encouragingly.

"That's good!" Charlotte enthused and Caitlin laughed softly at her enthusiasm.

"Yeah, I guess it is," she agreed.

"And think, we're both out of here in a week," Charlotte added and Caitlin beamed.

"I know! I can't believe I've actually put on pounds," she replied with a laugh. Charlotte bobbed her head.

"You look great, Cait," she said and Caitlin laughed.

"Thanks," she murmured. Nothing more was said between the two friends as they waited until group session. When group session came around, they made their way downstairs and into the living room, taking their usual seats. Caitlin glanced around at the group, realizing she would miss these people more than she had originally thought she would. Sighing, she focused her attention back on Sophia, who had started the session.

"So, guys, how's everyone's day going?" Sophia asked and Caitlin couldn't help but admire how she always sounded so cheerful. Caitlin wanted to get to that point in her recovery.

Beth smiled as she spoke up. "I've put on one-fourth of my required goal, finally."

Caitlin smiled at her as Sophia beamed.

"That's fantastic Beth! What about you, Mary?" Sophia asked.

"Well, I've finally accepted that it's okay to be putting on weight, too. So, I have been as well," Mary declared and the group clapped politely for them. Sophia continued to address everyone in group before she got to Caitlin.

"Caitlin, would you like to share?" Sophia asked and Caitlin nodded her head before taking a deep breath.

"I had a session today with my mom," she admitted and Sophia smiled gently at her.

"Would you like to share how that made you feel?" Sophia asked softly and Caitlin thought about it for a moment.

"I guess it just made me feel profoundly relieved to finally be able to get things off my chest. I finally told my mom things that I had kept bottled up," she admitted and Sophia nodded.

"Well, I'm really proud of you for being able to have your mother in a session with you. I know that couldn't have been easy yet, you did it," Sophia replied and Caitlin smiled. She felt proud of herself, too.

The rest of the group was spent talking about their different goals and what they had in mind for their recovery after they were out of the facility. Much like she had done at the end of the last group session, Sophia asked for Caitlin to stay back for a few minutes.

"So, Caitlin, you're getting out of here in a week!" Sophia beamed and Caitlin laughed at her excitement.

"I am," she verified.

"I'm proud of all the accomplishments you have made during this month," Sophia praised and Caitlin smiled.

"Thanks, Sophia," she replied.

"I know Claire will talk to you about it during your session with her, but you guys will go over the fact that you're going to need a mentor once you get out of treatment. Just for the first six months," Sophia added.

"A mentor?" Caitlin asked in a confusion and Sophia nodded her head.

"Yes, someone who can help you stay on the path of recovery and you can call during times of stress," she replied and Caitlin understood then what she meant.

"Will you guys already have someone picked out for me?" Caitlin asked.

"We will," Sophia verified. "However, you get to meet them before you leave."

Caitlin nodded her head. "Alright, that makes sense."

"I also want you to consider signing up for a gentle yoga class once you get back to school. Your mentor will be able to go with you to each session if you want them to, or fear that you're going to start obsessively working out again. Again, Claire will talk with you more in detail about all of this," Sophia continued.

"That sounds doable," Caitlin agreed.

"Your yoga session is tonight. Again, Amber will have to sit in on it with you but I heard from the instructor that you're a natural and didn't push yourself too hard, so good job for that," Sophia smiled.

The two women continued talking for a couple more minutes before Caitlin headed back on upstairs to her room. The afternoon passed quite quickly, with Caitlin working on her almost completed blanket and Charlotte drawing. The two friends occasionally stopped what they were doing to teach the other about their favorite hobbies, like they had promised they would do.

Then, it was dinner time and Caitlin was able to eat her meal instead of drinking a protein shake, something that left her undeniably happy. That surprised her; she never thought she'd be happy to eat food again. Laughing quietly, she continued to eat her meal, getting praise from everyone around the table. Once dinner was over, Caitlin made her way to the living room to wait for Barry and Cisco. Per usual, they were there as soon as visiting time started.

"Hey, sweetheart," Barry murmured as soon as he saw her. They hugged each other tightly with Barry placing a soft kiss on her lips. Then, she hugged Cisco, who brushed his lips across her forehead and she smiled at the two of them.

"You look great, Cait," Barry murmured as he took her in and Cisco nodded his head.

"You do," he confirmed and they all sat down, with Caitlin and Barry taking their usual spot on the couch and Cisco occupying the chair across from them.

"How did the session with your mom go?" Barry asked, not beating around the bush.

"Well, at first she denied the fact that there was a problem, even though she herself said I looked tiny. Although, she should've been here at the beginning of treatment to see how small I really looked before I started getting healthy again," Caitlin said.

"I think I can go the rest of my life never seeing you that small again," Cisco stated and Caitlin smiled at him.

"I think that's the thing about recovery; sometimes, I might be that small. Other times, I might look happy and healthy and full of life," she replied. Barry squeezed her hand.

"We'll take every stage of your recovery as they come, sweetheart," he said and Cisco nodded his head firmly.

"We will," he reiterated and she didn't know how she had gotten so lucky to have these two incredible people in her life but she knew she'd be counting her blessings every day.

The conversation then switched to what she'd be doing once she got out.

"Well, I'll be immersing myself back in my school work to catch up on what I've missed. Then, I'll be joining a yoga class if my mentor goes with me to the sessions the first few months," she said.

"Mentor?" Barry asked.

"Someone who will help me stay on my treatment plan and in recovery," Caitlin clarified and both he and Cisco nodded in understanding.

"When will you meet them?" Cisco asked.

"Next week sometime, I think. Before I leave," she replied.

"Will they be on campus with you?" Barry asked and Caitlin shook her head.

"I only think they'll be on campus when I go to my yoga sessions. Other than that, they're there if I need to call them for help or just to talk about my recovery," Caitlin stated.

The three of them continued talking and catching up, with Cisco informing her that as soon as she got out, he was going to buy her the largest cup of coffee since she couldn't have any in treatment.

"That'd be amazing," she sighed happily and he laughed.

"Can't have the coffee addict off coffee forever," he replied and she rolled her eyes.

"Nope, we sure can't," she verified.

They eventually had to leave. Barry kissed her gently before placing a kiss on her forehead and then again at the corner of her mouth. She smiled softly as she walked them to the door.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," she murmured before waving them off. She thought over how far she had come in just the past three weeks. Eating food again, sleeping, not obsessively working out…yes, she had come a long way. And that? That left her undeniably proud of herself. Smiling slightly, she met up with Amber to go to her yoga session, counting down the days until she was living her life again.


	48. Chapter 48

Caitlin took a deep breath before knocking on Claire's door. Today was her last day with her therapist. She was getting out tomorrow, and, while she was incredibly happy about that, she knew she'd miss the friends she had made in treatment.

Once Claire had opened the door, she walked in, spotting her mom on the couch already. Her mom had sat in on three sessions with her, and the amount of progress they had made was mind boggling. Jane had really put forth the effort to try and change her ways, something that Caitlin couldn't quite believe. She wondered how long it would last outside of treatment but she supposed that was just something she'd have to wait and see about.

"Hello, Caitlin," Claire smiled as she sat down next to her mom. Jane smiled hesitantly at her, which Caitlin returned as much as she could. Progress. Claire cleared her throat.

"So, I just want to congratulate the two of you on the progress you have made this past week," Claire said and Caitlin dipped her head in appreciation. She knew Claire wasn't lying about that; when Jane had broken down and cried in the last session about all the ways she had made her daughter feel less than good about herself, Caitlin knew they had reached an understanding.

"Thanks, Claire," Caitlin murmured, with Jane humming in agreement. Claire turned to Caitlin.

"So, last day of therapy! How are you feeling?" Claire asked and Caitlin thought about it. _How_ was she feeling?

"A little scared," she admitted honestly and to her surprise, Claire laughed gently.

"I'd be shocked if you weren't," Claire replied.

"I'm just not sure what to do now that I'm about to be out of treatment," Caitlin continued.

"Go on living your life," Claire answered promptly. "Go back to school, get involved with your studies. Join a yoga class but make that your only form of working out. Get your ankle completely healed. But, most importantly, enjoy your time with your loved ones and don't push yourself too hard; especially if you make mistakes along the way."

Caitlin thought over her words for a long moment before smiling.

"That sounds like a good plan," she agreed and Jane nodded her head.

"What can I do for my daughter once she gets out of treatment?" Jane inquired.

"Be there for her, support her," Claire replied immediately.

"I can promise to do that," Jane stated. Caitlin looked at her.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Mom," she reminded her mother quietly. Jane squeezed her hand.

"I can keep this promise," she said firmly and Caitlin studied her for a moment, looking for any hints of dishonesty. When she couldn't find any, she nodded her head.

"Thank you," she breathed out. Claire then went on to talk about the recovery out of the treatment facility.

"You're going to need Emily to be on speed dial," Claire informed her and Caitlin laughed. Emily was her sponsor, whom she had met the night before after dinner. She was twenty-seven and completely laid back, something that Caitlin wasn't expecting. She was expecting someone who was stern and didn't tolerate nonsense; someone who expected that absolute best during one's recovery. Emily had proven to be the opposite, saying she understood that everyone had challenging days and that it was her goal to just make sure Caitlin didn't relapse; if she did, they'd deal with it as it happened.

"I'm already a step ahead of you. Put her on speed dial last night and exchanged emails, just in case we needed to have a general catch up," Caitlin said and it was Claire's turn to laugh.

"Good," she praised. Then Claire looked at Jane.

"Jane, is there anything you'd like to say to Caitlin during our last session?" Claire asked and Jane bit her lip.

"Just…just that I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you in the past but I promise to be better. Just please give me the chance to prove to you that I can be the mother you deserve," Jane said earnestly and Caitlin exhaled shakily as a tear slipped out and down her the tip of her nose.

"I promise, Mom. That's all I've ever wanted from you. For you to love me; not the idea of me," Caitlin replied quietly. Jane hesitated briefly before putting her hand over hers' and squeezing it gently.

"I may not have always shown it but you have to believe me: I've always loved you," Jane promised softly and Caitlin nodded her head, throat to tight to speak.

As the rest of the session progressed, Caitlin learned how the checking out process would be. Barry and Cisco could come pick her up, instead of Abby, and drive her back to campus. Jane had timidly suggested taking a few days off from school and spending time with her, but Caitlin couldn't afford to miss anymore school. She did suggest that, depending on how the rest of the year went with her mom, she might come home for the summer holidays for a bit.

Then, the session was ending, Caitlin was hugging her therapist goodbye, and sending her mother off with a final wave. She made her way back to her room, where she had already packed up most of her things. She had finally completed the blanket, and knew that she'd always keep it with her; a reminder of the time she spent getting her life back on track. The time at the treatment facility hadn't been easy by any means but she knew that it was what she needed. The number of tears she had shed when things got difficult or challenging just meant that she was building her strength up. The fact that she could eat a full meal without wanting to expel it spoke volumes about the amount of progress she had made.

"I'm going to miss you, Cait," Charlotte murmured as she continued to pack her own things. Charlotte was also due to be checked out the next day. Caitlin walked over to her and gave her a strong hug, Charlotte reciprocating the embrace.

"We promised to stay in touch, though, and maybe even meet up for a bite to eat," Caitlin reminded her and Charlotte nodded her head.

"I know. You were just the best roommate I've had here, and it was nice to see your progress," she murmured. Caitlin squeezed her shoulder gently.

"I couldn't have asked for a better roommate," she said sincerely. The two women finished packing their things, quiet chatter filling the room. When it was time for dinner, they made their way downstairs and ate with determination. Caitlin, for one, was pleased. She knew that she had made leaps and bounds of progress when it came to eating food again. She felt proud of all her accomplishments and was aware that other people were proud of her, too. That was enough to keep her pushing forward.

When dinner was over, she made her way to the living room where she waited for Barry and Cisco for her last visiting hour. She didn't have to wait long and laughed gently at the way Cisco flew into the room and hugged her before Barry even had a chance to greet her.

"Woah, Cisco, easy," she teased and he laughed as he unwrapped his arms from around her and kissed her forehead.

"I'm just so unbelievably excited that tomorrow you're coming back," he enthused and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Me too," she said earnestly. Barry then took his chance to have his own hug and kissed her deeply.

"We've missed you, baby," he murmured and she pushed her head into the crook of his neck as she hugged him back tightly.

"Thanks," she replied softly, voice being muffled.

They made their way to the couch and sat down, with Barry interlocking their fingers.

"How does it feel to know you'll be getting out tomorrow?" Cisco asked. Caitlin thought about it.

"Really good," she admitted with a grin, one that the two guys returned.

"However, I'm glad that I came here," she carried on. "I was pretty determined to not admit that I had a problem, pretty determined to not admit I needed help."

"We're so glad you finally did, sweetheart," Barry murmured and she hummed.

"Me too. I'm just sorry that it took eleven diet pills and a trip to the hospital to become aware of that," she muttered.

"Don't do that to yourself, Cait," Cisco stated firmly and she looked at him.

"Yeah, it may not have been the smartest idea on your part, but you were in a really bad place. The fact that you were able to admit that you needed help bigger than anyone outside of treatment could provide for you was the true turning point," Cisco added and she thought over his words before smiling.

"Thanks, Cisco," she murmured and he squeezed her knee. They continued talking for the rest of the hour and a half. Caitlin knew that as her recovery progressed, she'd have truly good days and truly awful days. It was a balancing act. But, she also knew that she was no longer shattered, something she didn't take for granted. She looked at the two closest people she had in her life, laughing at their conversation and inhaled deeply. Yes, she was finally on the mend; putting all her pieces back together. She knew she'd be just fine.


End file.
